Mom vs dad watching kids

amother

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 2:31 pm

If you saw a mom watch her kids on shabbos afternoon on the front porch, what would you think?
If you saw a dad watching his kids on shabbos afternoon on the front porch, what would you think?

For some reason, by mom, I wouldn't think twice and by dad I'd think " wow, what a great father/husband!". I'm sure I'm not the only one that would think like that...
But this kind of bothers me, because they are both the parents....

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 3:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Where I live there are couples that are in the park with their kids, not mother OR father, but both. Its a social thing and family time.
But if it was one parent and not the other on shabbat, I would think "that spouse is wonderful for letting the other one take a nap". And no, I would not think more of the father than the mother.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 3:16 pm

amother [ Blonde ] wrote:

Yes, and on the same note, I always feel complexed if DH helps too much in public. It’s frowned upon and makes me feel inadequate. Sigh!

Why would a father helping with his OWN children be frowned upon? IN what world does that happen? Thats very sad.

amother

Pink

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 3:26 pm

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

I've never heard such a think frowned upon....that is new to me!
in what society?
I'm typical yeshivish

Opposite!!! I hate that it’s lauded so much when it shouldn’t be! It’s normal for a father to care for his children!

Debbie

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 3:33 pm

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

Opposite!!! I hate that it’s lauded so much when it shouldn’t be! It’s normal for a father to care for his children!

Absolutely and I've even heard women saying "My husband is babysitting." Since when was a husband a babysitter!

amother

Salmon

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 3:43 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I wouldn't think twice of either scenario. In my parts, it's just as common for a dad to watch his kids on a shabbos afternoon as it is a mom.

Then again, I don't live in a place where people say the dad is 'babysitting'. Different worlds.

Blessing1

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don't understand this question. I wouldn't think anything. What's the big deal about either situation that it's something strangers think about when they see this?

zaq

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:48 pm

Blessing1 wrote:

I wouldn't think anything. What's the big deal about either situation that it's something strangers think about when they see this?

THIS. I don't see anything remarkable about a parent of either gender taking care of his or her kids, alone or together with a spouse. And as a person who generally minds my own business, I certainly don't feel the need to analyze the situation and have an opinion about it.

SuperWify

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 5:16 pm

I have a neighbor who is always watching her kids outside. Always.

I feel bad for her honestly and don’t think too kindly of her dh (though I probably shouldn’t judge...).

Last edited by SuperWify on Sun, Nov 29 2020, 5:34 pm; edited 1 time in total

honey36

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 5:35 pm

Where I live it is common to see either the father or the mother watching the kids.

For me personally, I often volunteer to take the kids Shabbos afternoons so my husband can get some rest/learning done (no so much recently b/c I'm pregnant and often nauseous/exhausted). My husband works hard all week, and doesn't have that much time to rest/learn. I also work, but very part time, so really he is much busier than I am. I've gotten comments though when I was out alone with my 3 little ones, like "can't your husband pitch in?" Why would someone say something like that? Maybe he took the morning shift and I'm doing afternoon!

I don't think it's weird to say the father is babysitting when their watching the kids. It depends on what the family dynamics are. I guess it seems weird nowadays b/c women's and men's roles in childcare have kind of balanced out, but think about how the world was 100 years ago. I'm assuming back then it would be considered "babysitting" if the husband stayed home to watch the kids since that was not their primary role.

My parents had a very "old fashioned" kind of marriage where my dad worked very hard, my mom was a sahm, and waited on my father hand and foot. For sure if my dad happened to need to watch us one day it was considered "babysitting" but I don't think there is anything sad or wrong about this type of family. He was still a great father and spent lots of time with us, did homework with us if needed etc. Just didn't watch the little ones too often.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 5:38 pm

honey36 wrote:

I don't think it's weird to say the father is babysitting when their watching the kids. It depends on what the family dynamics are. I guess it seems weird nowadays b/c women's and men's roles in childcare have kind of balanced out, but think about how the world was 100 years ago. I'm assuming back then it would be considered "babysitting" if the husband stayed home to watch the kids since that was not their primary role.

No, even 100, or 1000 years ago if a father watched a child, it was STILL NOT babysitting. Babysitting literally means "watching a child while the PARENTS are not there".

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 5:46 pm

Wow it’s such a pet peeve of some... I’m op of the pta thread and I davka used the term babysitting because that’s the time DH is at work so if he’s home with them instead it’s more like making sure everyone stays alive, whereas I’d be trying to get housework done too or dinner up whatever.
Speaking as someone whose husband is an extremely hands on daddy, roughhousing with the kids and sitting on the floor with them playing games type....

Debbie

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 5:47 pm

honey36

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 5:48 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

No, even 100, or 1000 years ago if a father watched a child, it was STILL NOT babysitting. Babysitting literally means "watching a child while the PARENTS are not there".

Ok, I don't really think of it that way, but I hear your point.

Brings to mind a story of a friend who moved to a new city. The wife found a job right away, but husband needed to look for a few months till he found something. They also happened to have had a baby home who the father watched (I guess after he found a job they got a real babysiter) They used to joke that he spent those months "babysitting" and laughed about it. Didn't think that was weird or wrong use of the word, but I guess I see how it could be offensive?

amother

Emerald

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 5:50 pm

Regardless of what any individual thinks, it's definitely very real that society in general (and not just frum society, secular too) tends to hail dads as heroes for doing basic every day stuff and not think twice when moms do it, and it really rankles. I will never forget the time a teacher chewed me out for forgetting to send something with my kid for some special thing that was happening that day, and then a minute later, a father shows up with his kid, kid has rats nest hair and clothes were on backwards, and no socks, but oh, a dad dropping off his kid to school is Father of The Year Mad