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Adult children at home...rent?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

OP

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 2:44 pm

If you have an adult child still living at home, not in school, seminary/yeshiva or engaged...working but not any sort of high paying job. Do you charge rent? How much? Child wants to contribute to the household (and really we could use the extra money) but I don't want to take any unreasonable amount. Just looking for ideas of what others do.
Thanks

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2

amother

Linen

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 2:49 pm

They live in the house, or a basement apartment?

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Elfrida

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 3:30 pm

Maybe make it a percentage of his salary rather than a fixed sum. And specify that clothes and extras co.e out of his earnings, not household funds.

Help him build a budget with a certain amount going towards the house, some for clothes, shoes, and discretionary spending, and some being saved. He sounds like he has a good sense of financial responsibility, but when he starts earning is the time to focus on starting to save.

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amother

Wine

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 3:45 pm

Personally I lived at home while in college and working part time and my parents did not charge me rent. I agree with this. I cannot imagine charging my own children to live in their house! My kids will be my kids forever, even when they are adults.

If they want to contribute they can make dinner, do some cleaning, grocery shopping or some laundry.

59

yksraya

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:17 pm

I would never charge rent or take from their paycheck. Perhaps they can use their own money for their expenses like clothing etc.

They can contribute by helping you with cleanup, babysitting younger siblings, etc.

44

amother

OP

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:27 pm

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

They live in the house, or a basement apartment?

In the house with the whole family.

LovesHashem

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:28 pm

If they are offering than whatever they'd like. Personally I think paying for your own clothing, toiletries, and extras, snacks etc is enough.

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amother

Plum

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:28 pm

I have adult kids living at home. A few of them came back now that university is on zoom, and another couple were here to begin with.

I don't agree with the principle of adult kids paying rent. I'm just very uncomfortable with the idea. Baruch Hashem we are not starving or struggling to pay the bills - I realize people in such a situation might think differently.

Also, there is a difference between an adult kid who is 18 and one who is 23.

In any case, I think the adult kid should be paying the bulk of their own expenses (clothing, entertainment, gas) if possible. (Again, if we are talking about an 18 yr old this is probably not the case.
If the kid really wants to help contribute to general household expenses, you can make him responsible for buying dessert on Shabbat, or fun toys for younger siblings, or a new computer - something that feels sort of like a gift. I wouldn't have him pay for living there, just seems wrong.

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amother

Plum

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:30 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In the house with the whole family.

And they are part of the family. I wouldn't have them pay rent.

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amother

OP

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:30 pm

This child isn’t in college. And besides the fact that she uses a lot of the household resources and we could use the money to pay for those things I feel like she needs to learn this type of responsibility so she can move out at some point.

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

Personally I lived at home while in college and working part time and my parents did not charge me rent. I agree with this. I cannot imagine charging my own children to live in their house! My kids will be my kids forever, even when they are adults.

If they want to contribute they can make dinner, do some cleaning, grocery shopping or some laundry.

1

LovesHashem

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:30 pm

If anything I would have them contribute to the grocery bill. Food is expensive. How much does it cost you for them to sleep at home? It's not as if you'd move to a smaller place this moment had that room been free.

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amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:31 pm

My parents didn't charge me but I voluntarily gave them a certain sum every month. It was only right as they were supplying me with a roof over my head, utilities, and food, and I was socking money away.

Only one of my children worked, very P/T, when living at home, and made bupkes. Not only did I not charge rent but I provided cab fare home because the job ended late at night, was not in the best of neighborhoods, and required a transfer from one bus line to another in an even less healthy neighborhood. DS protested that the cab fare was more than he earned on the job but I said it was cheaper than the shrink that I would need to see after worrying about his safety traveling home by public transportation so late.

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amother

Honeydew

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:32 pm

My adults kids did their own laundry and I didn't reimburse them when they went grocery shopping but I never charged them rent! So they did participate to a certain extent!
(I mentioned it a couple of times but if I did I would have saved the money and gave it back when they set up a house of their own!)

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amother

Apricot

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:34 pm

My eldest contributes to food and household supply expenses (toilet paper, laundry detergent, dish soap, etc). This was her own decision. I don’t charge rent, but I do think they should contribute in some way and not necessarily monetarily.

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amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:38 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

I don't agree with the principle of adult kids paying rent.

I do. It would cost them a lot more if they lived in a singles apartment. If they are gainfully employed, why should they not pay their way? If you feel really guilty about it, put the money in a savings account and hand it all back as a gift when they move out.

Reader's Digest once had an article by a person whose mother used to charge him a certain sum per load when he used her machine instead of the laundromat at college. He resented it but paid up. After he graduated and moved out, his mom gave him back the money she'd collected from him over the years--and it was more than enough to buy his own machine for his new home.

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amother

Plum

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:43 pm

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

I do. It would cost them a lot more if they lived in a singles apartment. If they are gainfully employed, why should they not pay their way? If you feel really guilty about it, put the money in a savings account and hand it all back as a gift when they move out.

Reader's Digest once had an article by a person whose mother used to charge him a certain sum per load when he used her machine instead of the laundromat at college. He resented it but paid up. After he graduated and moved out, his mom gave him back the money she'd collected from him over the years--and it was more than enough to buy his own machine for his new home.

I think it's very cultural. I live in Israel, among Israelis. Nobody here charges their adult child rent. It's such a foreign concept.
Nor does anyone charge their adult child money for using the laundry machine, or require s/he pay a sum every week to cover shampoo and toothpaste.
I guess after spending most of my life here, I also find the concept incredibly strange, almost petty. (Again, if you really truly need the money, that's something else).

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amother

Wine

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This child isn’t in college. And besides the fact that she uses a lot of the household resources and we could use the money to pay for those things I feel like she needs to learn this type of responsibility so she can move out at some point.

As my parents say: "What's the rush? You have the rest of your life to be responsible and pay bills. Let someone take care of this stuff for now."

Learning to be responsible can look like her buying her own clothes, or saving the money for later expenses once she gets married.

18

amother

Ginger

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:58 pm

Is the child 18 or 30?
Does s/he fritter away all the earnings or is trying to save for life?

Last edited by amother on Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:59 pm; edited 1 time in total

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amother

Lavender

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 4:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This child isn’t in college. And besides the fact that she uses a lot of the household resources and we could use the money to pay for those things I feel like she needs to learn this type of responsibility so she can move out at some point.

Are you concerned that you may have a failure to launch situation developing? If so, I think that calls for a different type of response.

I would not charge rent to a young adult during a transitional time, even if that transition might take a few years. But if I was concerned that my child was parking themselves at home indefinitely to avoid dealing with the real world, I could see myself wanting to simulate more of the real world at home (including charging some sort of rent). It would be more for the chinuch than for the money.

9

amother

Pearl

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 5:09 pm

I told my children that they are free to live at home after HS if they are working full time, going to school full time, or some combination. My intent is the initial years of adulthood...

I will provide them shelter and food. I'll still pay the insurance premiums and maybe even all/part of out of pocket expenses for that initial time. IYH they are healthy.

If they are in school full time, I cannot afford tuition, but I can give them free housing and medical insurance, and food. I would probably also help them with some basic amount of clothing $ if they aren't working at all (and are in school full time).

Now, if they are over a certain age, I probably will ask them to contribute to utilities or something. And it would be more for the chinuch than the money itself.

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