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Adult children at home...rent?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Gray

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 8:02 pm

So my BIL failed to launch. He's 36, single, in undergrad doing basic pre-reqs. He lives on his mother's couch, eats her food, has her buy him clothing and support him. He's been to many psychologists and none helped. He's got years and years of school ahead of him (assuming he actualy sticks to it this time) and its a nebach situation all around. My MIL won't ask him to work part-time during school or contribute in any way. She feels responsible for him in every way and it's like she can't move on with her life because he's always there. Except for shabbos, when he leaves her alone to eat by herself and goes to more lively friends. It's such a toxic situation and honestly, he would be better off sharing an apartment with a couple of frum guys who learn or go to school. He needs to get off her couch, start being an adult and stop having mommy take care of him. It's so hard to watch him and my MIL in their cycle, going round and round. I wish she would charge him rent or force him to act responsibly.

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amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 8:11 pm

depends upon the individual situation

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amother

OP

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 8:35 pm

amother [ Gray ] wrote:

So my BIL failed to launch. He's 36, single, in undergrad doing basic pre-reqs. He lives on his mother's couch, eats her food, has her buy him clothing and support him. He's been to many psychologists and none helped. He's got years and years of school ahead of him (assuming he actualy sticks to it this time) and its a nebach situation all around. My MIL won't ask him to work part-time during school or contribute in any way. She feels responsible for him in every way and it's like she can't move on with her life because he's always there. Except for shabbos, when he leaves her alone to eat by herself and goes to more lively friends. It's such a toxic situation and honestly, he would be better off sharing an apartment with a couple of frum guys who learn or go to school. He needs to get off her couch, start being an adult and stop having mommy take care of him. It's so hard to watch him and my MIL in their cycle, going round and round. I wish she would charge him rent or force him to act responsibly.

That's terrible. I am sorry.

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amother

OP

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 8:36 pm

Elfrida wrote:

Maybe make it a percentage of his salary rather than a fixed sum. And specify that clothes and extras co.e out of his earnings, not household funds.

Help him build a budget with a certain amount going towards the house, some for clothes, shoes, and discretionary spending, and some being saved. He sounds like he has a good sense of financial responsibility, but when he starts earning is the time to focus on starting to save.

Thank you.

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amother

OP

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 8:40 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

And they are part of the family. I wouldn't have them pay rent.

Of course this child is part of the family. My husband and I are also...we pay bills. It's more of the fact that my husband has become disabled...we are living on my pittance of a salary until his disability comes in and then it will be a step above a pittance. This child (22 yrs old) wants to contribute once their pay is stable. I guess I am looking more for info on what would be reasonable for this child to contribute.

I'm going to add some more information so that I can give a better picture of our life and the only reason why this has come up. We are poor. VERY poor. We have food stamps so I don't need this child to contribute to food. Right now we live in a busted old apt with a leaking roof, mold in the ceiling, a terrible heating system, undrinkable water, our youngest kids no longer have a bedroom because in that hurricane that came through a few months ago our roof ripped off and destroyed their bedroom. They now have beds in the living room. If we could afford to not take money from this child we would never consider it. But at this point we need more income. My husband used to make decent money, and we lived well. He then got sick and our lives fell apart. We are trying very hard to pull our lives back together but in the meantime...we just don't have enough. I make $14/hr and we are a family of 6. We are struggling...so...what seems reasonable to allow her to contribute? I also intend to make her open a savings account so she can get ahead and have money put away for a rainy day that we didn't have.

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LovesHashem

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 5:07 am

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

As my parents say: "What's the rush? You have the rest of your life to be responsible and pay bills. Let someone take care of this stuff for now."

Learning to be responsible can look like her buying her own clothes, or saving the money for later expenses once she gets married.

I agree - but if a child is offering I think that's lovely. This adult understands that she raises the amount of all the bills by living there and WANTS to contribute. It says something about the adult's middos. And again you don't need to tell them to give a lot but they are a single with little expenses and it can come in handy to have an extra bit of money every month to pay your bills.

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amother

Plum

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 5:52 am

Your last post changes things entirely.

I don't think a 22 yr old needs to pay rent if she lives in a middle class home with a middle class family.

I think it's basic derech eretz for her to contribute (I would NOT call it rent) if the family is struggling as badly as you are.

How much really depends on how much she is earning. Maybe leave the decision up to her for now.

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amother

Jade

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 8:46 am

I just want to add, I got married at 25. Life was very stressful between working, school and navigating this crazy shidduch scene. I was feeling "old" and not how society would consider normal... if my parents would have charged me rent I probably would have felt very alone, uncared for and unwanted. Its a challenging time for a typical girl/boy and charging rent or even specific bills to cover can make the situation much worse. I believe the older I got the harder it was so even if the woman in question is hitting 30, she needs more acceptance, and unconditional love not less. I did help in the house and do normal chores regularly...

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amother

OP

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 9:07 am

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

I just want to add, I got married at 25. Life was very stressful between working, school and navigating this crazy shidduch scene. I was feeling "old" and not how society would consider normal... if my parents would have charged me rent I probably would have felt very alone, uncared for and unwanted. Its a challenging time for a typical girl/boy and charging rent or even specific bills to cover can make the situation much worse. I believe the older I got the harder it was so even if the woman in question is hitting 30, she needs more acceptance, and unconditional love not less. I did help in the house and do normal chores regularly...

Accepting rent from my child has nothing to do with how much I love them.

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amother

Honeydew

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 9:19 am

Op it sounds from your last post that unless she helps out with expenses there won't be much of a home left for her to come back to!
You're not dealing with a normal situation so it doesn't really matter what everyone else does in theory.
Your daughter realizes you're in a hard place and offered to contribute, say thank you and tell her how much you appreciate her good middos. If you can pay her back at some point in the future, great!
Make sure that the helps she provides doesn't stop her from going on with her life!
Hatzlacha rabba and refua sheleima to your husband! Hope things only get better from now and on!

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amother

Ivory

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 9:31 am

In your situation, I would probably charge her 1/3 of her income, which is what they say in a balanced situation your housing should cost you.

Congratulations on raising a sensitive responsible daughter. Wishing your family hatzlacha.

5

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 9:37 am

OP, are there any other sources you can get help from? Your situation does sound deserving of all the help it can get. Can you qualify for rental assistance and get into a better housing situation? Can your DH get SSI or something like that? What other forms of assistance can you get?

I would try to find out and tap into everything else before taking contributions from a child that age. (I have a child of same age). Because to some degree, there needs to be a plan for that child to save for his/her own future. And B"EH you will need to manage once that child leaves the nest without his/her contribution. So this is not a long-term solution to your issues.

Many hugs. Sounds really tough.

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amother

Magenta

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 9:40 am

Whatever you do please DO NOT call it rent. It’s a sensitive young lady offering to contribute while her family is going through a hard time. She should not be paying rent to live in her own house as 22. She’s part of the family. Even better is if you keep track and try to pay her back once you’re back on your feet.

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amother

Slategray

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 9:43 am

We didn’t charge rent when the children were home on school breaks but would have once they had that baccalaureate degree if they had still wanted to live at home.

amother

Taupe

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 9:52 am

OP, if your daughter is offering, you should not feel guilty taking, especially in your situation. She seems like a lovely, sensitive, and really unselfish young lady with fine middos. Maybe leave the amount up to her? Let her decide how much she wants to give.
She can also be paying for her clothes, shoes, cosmetics, extras... that's actually pretty common.
I hope your situation turns around fast, best of luck.

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amother

Taupe

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 9:53 am

Btw, there are many parents that take all their working kids money and use it towards marrying them off.

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amother

Sapphire

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 10:20 am

If your dd got engaged, how would you pay for the chasuna?

I would talk to your dd and make sure there’s a solid plan in place because it’s a big expense on the horizon iyH. Whatever she gives now to help the family should’t cause stress when she’s a kallah and all those expenses mount up.

4

amother

OP

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 10:59 am

Chayalle wrote:

OP, are there any other sources you can get help from? Your situation does sound deserving of all the help it can get. Can you qualify for rental assistance and get into a better housing situation? Can your DH get SSI or something like that? What other forms of assistance can you get?

I would try to find out and tap into everything else before taking contributions from a child that age. (I have a child of same age). Because to some degree, there needs to be a plan for that child to save for his/her own future. And B"EH you will need to manage once that child leaves the nest without his/her contribution. So this is not a long-term solution to your issues.

Many hugs. Sounds really tough.

My husband has applied for SSDI. We are waiting on the approval. There are no other resources that we can find to help us. We don’t qualify for cash or rental assistance.

1

amother

OP

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 11:03 am

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

If your dd got engaged, how would you pay for the chasuna?

I would talk to your dd and make sure there’s a solid plan in place because it’s a big expense on the horizon iyH. Whatever she gives now to help the family should’t cause stress when she’s a kallah and all those expenses mount up.

At this point we couldn’t afford it but she’s not currently interested in getting married anyway. So we have time for that to come up. But when it does I would hope that she realizes spending a lifetime of money on one day is silly. We will contribute what we can but I hope I’ve raised her to see know what’s important and it isn’t a lavish wedding.

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amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 11:12 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

At this point we couldn’t afford it but she’s not currently interested in getting married anyway. So we have time for that to come up. But when it does I would hope that she realizes spending a lifetime of money on one day is silly. We will contribute what we can but I hope I’ve raised her to see know what’s important and it isn’t a lavish wedding.

Of course. But even the most frugal of weddings cost money. Sounds like she may need to be saving up for her wedding in the future. Not to mention a wardrobe for dating, or money to travel as girls often do now to meet dates. Shadchanus. (I assumed she'd be the one to pay.) Just something to keep in mind. Even if she doesn't marry for a few years, she will need to have saved up a decent amount.

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