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Chayalle
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 Mon, Nov 30 2020, 11:20 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | At this point we couldn’t afford it but she’s not currently interested in getting married anyway. So we have time for that to come up. But when it does I would hope that she realizes spending a lifetime of money on one day is silly. We will contribute what we can but I hope I’ve raised her to see know what’s important and it isn’t a lavish wedding. |
But even without the wedding, she will need money to set up her home. And pay rent. And once the kids come, boy do they cost.
I have a DD that age, and I encourage her to save as much as possible for her future. And we haven't raised her to spend lavishly for a wedding either.
With your situation, it really makes no sense that you would not qualify for more help. Is there any local council that can advise you? I really wish you could tap into any resources available to you, and get the maximum benefits you can.
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Chayalle
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Mon, Nov 30 2020, 11:23 am
| amother [ Slategray ] wrote: | | We didn’t charge rent when the children were home on school breaks but would have once they had that baccalaureate degree if they had still wanted to live at home. |
Even with a degree, children often have student loans to pay off. Unless you helped pay for that degree.
I have two adult DD's, and one is pursuing a degree while also working part-time to help pay for it. She will have student loan to pay off once she's done, too. And I'm not sure she will make more money than my other DD, who chose not to pursue a degree but B"H has a lucrative job without one.
Different personalities, pursuing jobs that are suited to each of them....but just pointing out that a degree does not always equal more $$, at least not in the short-term, while they are paying for that degree.
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ShishKabob
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Mon, Nov 30 2020, 11:31 am
| amother [ Plum ] wrote: | Your last post changes things entirely.
I don't think a 22 yr old needs to pay rent if she lives in a middle class home with a middle class family.
I think it's basic derech eretz for her to contribute (I would NOT call it rent) if the family is struggling as badly as you are.
How much really depends on how much she is earning. Maybe leave the decision up to her for now. | This 100%
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Simple1
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Mon, Nov 30 2020, 11:32 am
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I have kids 20+ living at home. It didn't occur to me to charge rent. But they pay for their own clothes, cars and other extras.
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amother
Sapphire
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Mon, Nov 30 2020, 11:46 am
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I have older girls and mine pay for all their own expenses outside of the home (clothing, car, gas, etc.) but they live at home rent-free and eat the family food. It's expected that they give ma'aser, keep their personal expenses low, and save everything else toward their wedding and their living expenses after marriage. We will iy"H be making very simple weddings, but chasunas still cost $$, and married life can get expensive very quickly, so we want them to have a nest egg. In your situation, OP, I would think that your Rav could guide you in how to balance today's needs with tomorrow's projected expenses. Certainly your daughter's ma'aser could go to you, right? It's wonderful that she wants to contribute more to the family and the Rav may tell you to do that, but it would be good to check and see what he recommends. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Is there anything you can do that would make more than $14/hour? I'm not trying to be nosy, but I'm wondering because my daughters made more than that right out of high school, with no degree and no experience. I know job situations can be very hard right now because of covid so it's maybe not possible right now.
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amother
Magenta
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Mon, Nov 30 2020, 12:31 pm
| amother [ Sapphire ] wrote: | | I have older girls and mine pay for all their own expenses outside of the home (clothing, car, gas, etc.) but they live at home rent-free and eat the family food. It's expected that they give ma'aser, keep their personal expenses low, and save everything else toward their wedding and their living expenses after marriage. We will iy"H be making very simple weddings, but chasunas still cost $$, and married life can get expensive very quickly, so we want them to have a nest egg. In your situation, OP, I would think that your Rav could guide you in how to balance today's needs with tomorrow's projected expenses. Certainly your daughter's ma'aser could go to you, right? It's wonderful that she wants to contribute more to the family and the Rav may tell you to do that, but it would be good to check and see what he recommends. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Is there anything you can do that would make more than $14/hour? I'm not trying to be nosy, but I'm wondering because my daughters made more than that right out of high school, with no degree and no experience. I know job situations can be very hard right now because of covid so it's maybe not possible right now. |
I agree that speaking with a Rav is a good idea. Please do whatever you can not to take your child’s money. She should be saving for her future. It could lead to resentment down the line.
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yamaha
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Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:01 pm
Why doesn't she want to get married? I'm not saying everyone needs to want to (and for sure not immediately), but by her age I'd expect it to at least have crossed her mind and/or be a discussion topic. Going on a limb here, but I'm wondering if she's feeling she needs to stick around or not incur you additional expenses in response to the hardships she's seeing at home. Contributing rent would be another way she feels like she needs to be taking care of your family.
Hatzlacha and hugs, it sounds like a very difficult situation.
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SixOfWands
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Mon, Nov 30 2020, 3:31 pm
OP, you clearly have a lot to be proud of, with your DD wanting to step in to help in your time of need. You and DH must be great parents, and she is an amazing young woman.
I would not normally charge rent. But families pitch in to help, and I would recognize that your daughter wants to do that. Let her. She's not going to feel great with money in her account and a hole in the roof.
B'li ayin hara, your family will be back on its feet soon, and you'll be able to treat her to many things in return for her current generosity.
Are you sure you're not entitled to help? The salary you listed should qualify you for some aid, and there may be organizations that could help with repairs (I assume that you don't have insurance). Can you give us a general location so maybe we can try to track down some resources?
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yksraya
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Mon, Nov 30 2020, 3:51 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | Of course this child is part of the family. My husband and I are also...we pay bills. It's more of the fact that my husband has become disabled...we are living on my pittance of a salary until his disability comes in and then it will be a step above a pittance. This child (22 yrs old) wants to contribute once their pay is stable. I guess I am looking more for info on what would be reasonable for this child to contribute.
I'm going to add some more information so that I can give a better picture of our life and the only reason why this has come up. We are poor. VERY poor. We have food stamps so I don't need this child to contribute to food. Right now we live in a busted old apt with a leaking roof, mold in the ceiling, a terrible heating system, undrinkable water, our youngest kids no longer have a bedroom because in that hurricane that came through a few months ago our roof ripped off and destroyed their bedroom. They now have beds in the living room. If we could afford to not take money from this child we would never consider it. But at this point we need more income. My husband used to make decent money, and we lived well. He then got sick and our lives fell apart. We are trying very hard to pull our lives back together but in the meantime...we just don't have enough. I make $14/hr and we are a family of 6. We are struggling...so...what seems reasonable to allow her to contribute? I also intend to make her open a savings account so she can get ahead and have money put away for a rainy day that we didn't have. |
Oish, so sorry to hear this. I wish I can offer you advice. Maybe there are organization that can help you. Or any friends or family that can give you their maser money etc.
I think in this case, it would be more important if your dd can save most of her money so that she can use it to marry herself off. Getting married, even with a simple modest wedding, is still very expensive.
Hopefully things will get better for you really soon and you will be able to move to a better apartment, and have a better life.
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Raisin
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Mon, Nov 30 2020, 3:55 pm
Your daughter sounds wonderful.
I would take the money. Keep a cheshbon and iyh if things ever get better give it back to her. Even if its ten or twenty years.
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gold21
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Mon, Nov 30 2020, 4:02 pm
No, not rent. Nothing official like that.
However, she can, and should, help out financially, in whatever amounts she can give- but relying on her as an income source has to be viewed as a temporary solution. Right now you're in a bad financial situation, she is an adult and is able to help out- A plus B equals C, she should help out. Let her help out. But this not a long term solution. Go back to the drawing board- what can you do to improve your financial situation? Your daughter can, and should, pitch in temporarily, but don't become dependent on her and don't view this as a long term solution. This should not go on long-term so don't let your mind go there- for the short term it is fine. It isn't fair to her or to you to make this a long term thing- allow her to be free to leave and marry when she is ready, with some money to start her life off with.
What do you do that you make just $14/hr?
(In my childhood home, adult children did their best to pitch in financially- so my advice is grounded in real world experience)
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gold21
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Mon, Nov 30 2020, 4:22 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | I work as a Morah. I was a stay at home mom for 15 years before that so I took what I could when I knew my husband would need to quit his job.
I used to be licensed in something medical but I let my license lapse and now I need to take classes to reinstate the license and it’s difficult as there aren’t any places near by and they classes that are within a couple hours driving distance always seem fall on either Pesach or Rosh Hoshanah/Yom Kippur. |
How old is your youngest child?
You work as a Morah in a school?
Would you consider opening your own playgroup?
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