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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Chanukah
I can't handle this every single year!!!
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:10 pm
DH and I are married 3 years. We are the oldest in our familes and our daughter is the only grandchild.

For some reason, Chanukah seems to be this super charged holiday for both our familes and always a big drama where we go for shabbos Chanukah. All the boys (younger brothers) come home from yeshiva, grandparents come, and they have a grand Chanukah party motzai shabbos, with games and food and prizes. This is for both sides.

The past two years we've switched off.
The side we didn't go to was frustrated, and made us feel dumb and guilty, stressing how eeeeeevvryone was there and we were the only ones missing, and they had so much fun and it's so silly we weren't there.
It's ridiculous. We can't be in two places at once.
This year, it's my in-laws turn, and my mom is super frustrated that we can't come, especially as my sister is engaged and her fiance is coming and she reeaaallly wants to have the whole family.....🙄🙄🙄
So my mom came up with this new idea and suggested we should go to one side for shabbos and the other for motzai shabbos party. They live a 2 hour drive from each other so we would need to pack up and run out the moment shabbos was over, baby would fall asleep in car and be cranky, and we would be drained after sitting in the car for 2 hours. Still, I'd be willing to do it if it made everyone happy.

Trouble is, my mother in law thinks this is a terrible idea, and that it's not a solution nor a compromise, and she'd rather have us for all or nothing, and we should just switch off years as we've been doing till now. And the whole idea makes no sense as they live too far from each other and she absolutely doesn't think it's a good idea.

Whatever we do, someone will be upset, so I think we'll just stay home in our nice comfortable beds. 😥

And when I have married children, I will NOT pressure them like this. 😡😤😤
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:13 pm
That is tough. Sounds like both sides kind of saga on Purim where they both want you for the meal every year. What you do is go to one side for shabbos and stay for motzei. Then go one night on Chanukah to the other side. Then switch off the near year. You cannot be everywhere and nowhere each motzei shabbos Chanukah. It doesn’t make sense at all.

Last edited by flowerpower on Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:15 pm; edited 1 time in total
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:14 pm
That stinks. I hate when grown ups act like children. What does your Dh think?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:18 pm
flowerpower wrote:
That is tough. Sounds like both sides kind of saga on Purim where they both want you for the meal every year. What you do is go to one side for shabbos and stay for motzei. Then go one night on Chanukah to the other side. Then switch off the near year. You cannot be everywhere and nowhere each motzei shabbos Chanukah. It doesn’t make sense at all.


This won't help because they both have their "official" family Chanukah party motzai shabbos and aren't interested in us coming another night when boys and grandparents aren't there.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:19 pm
allthingsblue wrote:
That stinks. I hate when grown ups act like children. What does your Dh think?


Ty for the validation.

DH thinks that either way someone will be upset, so we should just do what's more convenient for us, and not drive the extra two hours, which ends up being his mother's way.🙄
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:22 pm
*sigh* That’s why Rav Kanievsky always had theirs on the 5th night, it’s never Shabbos.
It’s so tempting to just do your own.
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flower2




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:27 pm
So frustrating but I would have to say your mil/dh plan is a lot more sensible. As long as u switch off it is what it is- you will always be "missing out" on something. But it's no reason to make ur selves crazy rushing out mother shabbos. Honestly, I'm shocked ur mom would suggest such a thing- let alone pressure you into all that shlep/tircha/etc...
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:30 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ty for the validation.

DH thinks that either way someone will be upset, so we should just do what's more convenient for us, and not drive the extra two hours, which ends up being his mother's way.🙄

It's the only solution that will keep you sane.

But it will take strength to remove the emotion and just cluck sympathetically when one side vents about how unfair it is. I know mom/MIL - it's so hard that you both make the chanukah celebration at the same time. Wish we could be there!
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Sprinkles1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:31 pm
Iymnok wrote:
*sigh* That’s why Rav Kanievsky always had theirs on the 5th night, it’s never Shabbos.
It’s so tempting to just do your own.


Right, my parents never do it on motzei shabbos either, because they know half the crowd wont show up.
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amother
Linen


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:31 pm
We've been in this situation more than once. My in laws family have every few years on shabbos chanuka a massive extended family shabbaton at a hotel and my mom makes her party on motzei shabbos. She refuses to switch. But we're one married of many and I don't expect my mom to switch dates just for me.
We missed the party one year and she's still not over it. So if there's a shabbaton, we leave right by the zman motzi and travel to my parents party.
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SuperWify




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:32 pm
If your the only married children it’s strange your parents and in laws can’t be more flexible and do it on a night that works for everyone.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:35 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
This won't help because they both have their "official" family Chanukah party motzai shabbos and aren't interested in us coming another night when boys and grandparents aren't there.


They can change their arrangement if they really want! Grandparents can come any night. You’re the only married one so they don’t have many couples they need to work around
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simcha2




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:39 pm
I would do mil for shabbat/ motzei and offer your mom Sunday. Either day or night.

That way if people are there for shabbos they can stay over and you'll see them on Sunday, or she can invite everyone for a big party Sunday night.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:43 pm
I did ask both of them if they can switch their official party to another time, and they both said no. 🙄🙄
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:47 pm
Ohhh BTDT.

Just rinse and repeat:
“Sorry but we take turns every year somewhere else.”
Rinse and repeat.

They won’t change so you change your emotions about it. (Actually they get worse)
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amother
White


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:48 pm
Hi, totally validate ur pain! Have similar story to u! My husband had enough already he said maybe this year we should just stay home shabbos Chanukah and just party motzei. Thankfully this year my mil agreed to Thursday night party. But she expects us to say shabbos. Now my mother decided since she’s making a party motzei she gets to have us for shabbos! U can’t win!! Do whatever is good for u! Ps I live far from both sets of parents therefore shabbos is a treat for both parents. Can’t walk over.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:48 pm
Nod and smile and act sympathetic and then stay for the motzei shabbos at your in laws. And then next year you will iyh be at your mom. Do NOT drive to your mom and reward her childish sulking. She should thank hashem that you are happily married and have another side to go to.
Ask her how she’s gonna feel if her daughters in law run out of her house before her motzei shabbos party.
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SuperWify




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:52 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I did ask both of them if they can switch their official party to another time, and they both said no. 🙄🙄


I’m sorry they are so inflexible. I’d go to mil and Sunday to mom.
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amother
Black


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:52 pm
Being that this involves kibbud av v'aim my husband would definitely go over to one of his Rebbeim in Yeshiva for hadracha. Especially because this sounds like it's going to be a yearly thing.

Though of course the answer won't be a "psak" it is sometimes easier to put your foot down when you can add and we asked his Rebbi...

And lastly, it may give you clarity on how you should be dealing with your parents in the future with different situations.
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agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 2:53 pm
Continue to do the right thing and take turns.

You can't make all the people happy all the time.
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