Usually for Bar mitzvah's we get similar. Seems unfair?

amother

Tue, Dec 01 2020, 5:34 pm

My dh is one of a bunch of kids knh. All married. When anyone makes a bar mitzvah we usually give a big chocolate arrangement from all of us. Some struggle more than others so we don't ask/give a lot. Knh there are a lot of simchas in his family so this is what we do. Lately bc of corona things have changed a little. One sil asked me what I wanted and I said a balloon arch with my son's name (3 letters) so doubt it cost so much.
Another nephew is turning bar mitzvah in a couple weeks and my other sil (her sister who she is closer to) asked her what she wants, balloons, choc arrangement etc...she said actually neither she'd love a new tablecloth. Something that'll last etc bc she isn't making a major simcha anyway. This sil seems to think it's fine. I don't! "why should she get something so different and much more expensive?!
Is this fair? She said she doesn't want to ask the ones struggling/living elsewhere for more money to chip in so she wants us few who are closer to this sil to give more than everyone else. It's the principal which is annoying me. Not the money. Does this seem fair?

amother

Tue, Dec 01 2020, 5:36 pm

I personally think my sil, who asked the one making the bar mitzvah what she wanted should've said that's probably too expensive so will see. I said that we should give her a voucher and she can pay a little towards it herself but another sil thinks it's rude and we should all pay more.

amother

Natural

Tue, Dec 01 2020, 5:46 pm

FYI, when I priced out ballon arches 5 years ago, with 4 letters granted, not 3, they were insanely expensive. Do yourself a favor and price out the arch and see what you asked them to spend.

You seem petty and jealous.
Do you dislike this SIL?

amother

Tue, Dec 01 2020, 5:49 pm

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

FYI, when I priced out ballon arches 5 years ago, with 4 letters granted, not 3, they were insanely expensive.

You seem petty and jealous.
Do you dislike this SIL?

It was definitely cheaper than this tablecloth bc another sil is also making a fuss to pay more. She can buy her own tablecloth! We buy something for the actual bar mitzvah. I actually got a gorgeous tablecloth when I made mine a couple weeks ago from this same shop so that's where she got the idea from. My friend's really wanted to spoil me bc I wasn't making a proper simcha. It was during lock down. She's making a bit more something proper so I'm sure something for the actual simcha would've been sufficient.

But to ask us to buy her one knowing they aren't cheap (bc I told her) is a bit cheeky in my personal opinion.

amother

Tue, Dec 01 2020, 5:52 pm

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

I'm sure it wasn't cheap at all but it literally just had the big letters. No other balloons on it. My sil from a few hours away does balloons for her job and she was supposed to make them for me at cost price but she couldn't come in the end due to lockdown so they knew it was what I wanted. I usually would've gotten a choc arrangement and the balloons at cost had she come.

amother

Tue, Dec 01 2020, 6:26 pm

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

I would give a voucher and shell use her seichel and pay towards it from her own pocket.

I think this is a good idea too but 2 sisters in law don't so I guess she's going to get the full thing. Oh well...I hope she's not raising the bar for all future simchas now bc knh there are a lot in a year!

And when any of the women turn 40 in the family we give something proper like a tablecloth or towels with name on etc. Her birthday is in a few months Very Happy

amother

Brown

Tue, Dec 01 2020, 6:43 pm

1. Can you afford it? If not let the sisters know you can’t do so much, but could contribute x amount.
2. If yes, then shalom in a family is worth so much more.

BTW- what is the cost of such a tablecloth
I’m looking for my table.

amother

Tue, Dec 01 2020, 6:49 pm

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

Yes I personally won't miss the extra few pounds. The cloth is costing £70. It's more that it's silly to get her one when we give some for the bar mitzvah itself. To enhance the tables etc. This year is different so fine but I still think she should have to pay the excess. A voucher towards this store that she's already chosen from btw (I only got told about this tonight) would've been fine and I'm sure my sil would understand that we give around such and such for every simcha.

doodlesmom

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 9:45 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So give her the tablecloth now so she can enjoy it by the simcha, making her aware that it’s an early bday gift, and for her 40th send chocolate etc.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 10:55 pm

Sounds like you changed things by asking for what you wanted, rather than graciously accepting the standard chocolate platter. So I don't see why you get to complain.

SixOfWands

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 11:17 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That's what is confusing me. The custom is to buy something for use as part of the simcha, food or decorations. Your SIL seems to be requesting a personal gift.

SixOfWands

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 11:18 pm

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

Sounds like you changed things by asking for what you wanted, rather than graciously accepting the standard chocolate platter. So I don't see why you get to complain.

Due to covid restrictions, OP didn't have a large simcha. What purpose would a chocolate platter have served without the people to eat it?

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 11:26 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Due to covid restrictions, OP didn't have a large simcha. What purpose would a chocolate platter have served without the people to eat it?

Fair enough. But once the standard gift has changed to be something the recipient chooses, then it's fair for the SIL, who's also making a simcha during covid, to ask for what she wants.

Disclaimer, my family doesn't do this sort of thing, so maybe I don't understand the nuances here.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Dec 03 2020, 10:09 am

It’ll cause resentment and next time either someone will top that with something pricier or people will be upset or jealous and not want to give.

The standard amount given is the amount that should be kept to. SIL should be told this is the limit so either pay the difference or choose something else.

amother

Lavender

Thu, Dec 03 2020, 10:19 am

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

.she can ask for something else, as long as the cost of the gift is in range with what they always give.

number

Thu, Dec 03 2020, 11:28 am

I agree she should get the tablecloth for her bday and something within the normal budget for the bar mitzvah. Asking some relatives to contribute more than others never ends well ime.

amother

Thu, Dec 03 2020, 11:34 am

number wrote:

I agree she should get the tablecloth for her bday and something within the normal budget for the bar mitzvah. Asking some relatives to contribute more than others never ends well ime.

I agree but I'm going to keep out and vent to you lovely lot instead lol (sorry) bc my sil who is arranging it is the sister of the one making Barmy and my dh just thinks I should chill haha.. He always sides with his family and can never understand why I get petty ☺️ but he agrees it's silly to all give different amounts. I would be a little upset to know that others gave more than me...it's an ego thing I guess. Its quite major to organise these gifts and to get money from everyone that I suppose I should be glad that I'm not laying out and organising it!