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Please help me with my 5 year old

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Dec 01 2020, 9:16 pm
What can I do? My 5 year old son, who is normally sweet B"H, has a lot of trouble when something doesn't go his way. When he is told he can't do something that he wants to, or he can't have something that he wants, or he has to do a job that he doesn't want to. That's when these issues come up. When this kind of thing happens, he gets very angry and acts in a defiant manner and speaks (or yells) disrespectfully. He'll yell, "if you don't listen you're in trouble", or he'll just yell and scream or lay down on the floor in my way. Tonight really took the cake - he fell asleep when he got home from school poor guy, and he woke up groggy and cranky. My husband told him to get a plate for his supper. He didn't want to and when my husband insisted, he spit at my husband.

I don't want to alienate him or push him into more defiance by being too harsh, but on the other hand, I want to teach him that being disrespectful (especially to parents) is not ok.

Ideas please?

Or names of books that I can buy to read to him that teach about how to handle angry feelings/how to speak with respect even when upset?

(I love the parenting book, "How to talk so little kids will listen". Is there anything in there that might help?)

PS please be kind in your responses.
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allgood




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Dec 01 2020, 11:39 pm
First off, he is lucky to have you as a mom. You sound super compassionate and wanting to help him. You seem to be very clear about what is hard for him.

Is there a way to start helping him deal with this in small steps. Like maybe when you need to say no or he can't have what he wants you can often an immediate alternative that is just as preferred. For example no you can't have a candy right now, but I do have a lolly you can have. It will take creativity to figure out what may be just as good for him and it may not seem as though its worth it since he may anyhow throw a fit, but I feel it may slowly teach him to accept that not everything will work out the way he wants it.

Other things you may want to look at are slowly increasing how much time he needs to wait after asking for something. Say something like "give me a minute" and make him wait just a few second and then make sure you slowly start working up how much time he needs to wait

That book is my favorite parenting book too. What I liked from there which may be useful is that imaginary part that I remember which may be useful here. Saying something like I wish I can press on the chair and a plane would fly m out to bring us that cookie. And go off on a tangent as a sort of distraction. Worked like a charm every time I used it.

Most importantly when the trouble starts keep your cool, don't change what you said though and completely ignore those comments he makes.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Dec 01 2020, 11:59 pm
Thank you allgood! That was such an amazing post!
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Dec 02 2020, 2:58 pm
Bump
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amother




Wheat
 

Post  Wed, Dec 02 2020, 4:19 pm
What about implementing some kind of incentive system, ie positive reinforcement. Have a discussion with him, and ask him what he would like to earn. Hatzlacha!

There is also a book written by Miriam Adahan about being a Gibor.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Dec 02 2020, 4:49 pm
Seems age-appropriate
Name the feeling, empathize, and allow him to vent without giving in, as long as he isn’t hurting anyone.
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amother




Amber
 

Post  Wed, Dec 02 2020, 4:59 pm
This sounds exactly like my 5 year old son. Sometimes he’s all, “Okay Mommy, I’ll be a helper!”, and other times he is kicking and screaming on the floor. He will definitely speak disrespectfully when upset.

Honestly, I try not to to give him too much attention for it. I tell him “I’m sorry, but the answer is no,” or that I cannot speak to him when he’s like that. If he’s disrespectful I tell him it’s not how we speak to Mommy. But then I try to disengage.

I am definitely not an expert. He can be quite difficult and unfortunately didn’t come with a manual! I feel successful when I deal with him calmly. Because he’s very good at pushing my buttons.
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amother




Amber
 

Post  Wed, Dec 02 2020, 5:00 pm
Zehava wrote:
Seems age-appropriate
Name the feeling, empathize, and allow him to vent without giving in, as long as he isn’t hurting anyone.


What would you suggest if he is hurting a sibling? Or damaging things by tossing them around?
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Dec 02 2020, 5:29 pm
amother [ Amber ] wrote:
What would you suggest if he is hurting a sibling? Or damaging things by tossing them around?

I’d go into a room with him if possible. If not I’d physically restrain him if he was hurting someone. And tell him what he can do instead to vent his anger.
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Dec 02 2020, 6:58 pm
Ignore the defiance. Focus on being consistent. He will learn.
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Motherhood




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Dec 02 2020, 7:07 pm
Please read the book “Manny in a pickle” to him. My kids looovvveee it and it is just the right book for this age and situation.
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shaqued_almond




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Dec 02 2020, 7:12 pm
Very normal but you also have to put your foot down. In those moments help him calm down and apologize to you. He needs to know that his feelings are not more important than everyone else's. At calmer times encourage empathy through action.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Dec 03 2020, 11:17 pm
Thank you for all these suggestions. It’s very reassuring to see that this is common 5 year old behavior!
I will look into the Manny book.
Tysm!
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allgood




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Dec 04 2020, 7:18 am
amother [ Amber ] wrote:
What would you suggest if he is hurting a sibling? Or damaging things by tossing them around?


I dont like getting in and stopping the child that is doing the hurting. Instead I found that it usually works to ignore that child's behaviors after telling them no more than once to stop and instead focus all your attention on the one getting hurt. That way none of your children get hurt. Mind you though since you are now in his space you may get the beating so you need to be prepared to ignore that.

In regard to throwing objects if its something I care about breaking I do remove it from the child's hand, but I usually don't talk about it more than one comment such as "cars are for playing with" and then I move on.
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pizza4




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Dec 04 2020, 7:53 am
*He's acting his age. I would've thought that in retrospect it wasn't a good time to ask him to bring a plate, knowing he just woke up and will be cranky.
* I wouldn't call that disrespect, but may bring it up and say hey you were too tired from the nap to be helpful? I hear that. Maybe sit with him a bit doing something else and then ask hey Mr are you ready to bring a plate now, do you need help?
* manny in a pickle is a cute book.
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