Feel so bad for my daughter

amother

Fri, Dec 04 2020, 11:42 am

She has such a hard time academically. Spends so much time studying and reviewing her work and averages in the 70's. I accepted it and respect her so much for who she is. She's so much more than her marks but now that she's in school, this is a large focus and she's not even in the most academically difficult school. Doesn't make it easier that her sisters put in a small fraction of her time and average in the high 90's. How can I build her up? I wish I can make it all better!

amother

Babypink

Fri, Dec 04 2020, 11:44 am

My sisters all around me got basically 100’s on their tests. I got 65 on a lucky day. Baruch hashem I wasn’t affected. Marks aren’t everything. Does she have friends? A social life?

amother

Fri, Dec 04 2020, 11:46 am

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

My sisters all around me got basically 100’s on their tests. I got 65 on a lucky day. Baruch hashem I wasn’t affected. Marks aren’t everything. Does she have friends? A social life?

She always had 1-2 good friends at home and in school. Now she started high school and bh is blending in the other girls (with some behind the scenes intervention from me). It's hard. Life is tough in school.

Chayalle

Fri, Dec 04 2020, 11:57 am

I have a relative whose child is like this. She could study for hours for a test and lucky if she pulled a C. She's predyslexic which also complicated things, even with treatment, etc...

She also is an amazing personality, and B"H went to a school who appreciated her capabilities. She literally became the right hand of the teacher who runs the school Chessed program, because she has such good people skills and is so caring and giving. In her senior year, she was Chessed Head. Now that she's out of school, she works for a certain international organization that really taps into her abilities.

I think it's so important to remember that academics is only one aspect of life. Your daughter is more than her test scores. There are many more areas where we can succeed in life.

My mother A"H used to say that if you were an Indian, you were successful if you had good hand-eye coordination. You could hunt the best animals, have the most hides, marry the prettiest woman, if you were that best provider.

Our society has imposed academics as a certain measure, but it's important to remember it's only one measure. I know plenty of successful adults who were not successful in school.

sneakermom

Fri, Dec 04 2020, 12:07 pm

Both my parents didn’t do well academically and became very successful professionally as adults. They simply went with what they were good at and let go of the rest.

We all have a path. And she has her mission in life and the strengths to go with it. I would give her that message always. And maybe have her take some sort of extracurricular that focuses on a strength she has.

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Dec 04 2020, 12:18 pm

I'm finding this year to be that much more challenging for my lower academically inclined teenage girls.
Usually, there's all the extracurricular activities balance out and give them a place to shine and impress their peers.
This year, it's muted. No play. Restricted chessed. Pick up packages for Chagiga.
The emphasis on school is way more focused on academics and schoolwork.

amother

Floralwhite

Fri, Dec 04 2020, 12:22 pm

We tell all of our kids that the grades they get on tests don't matter as long as you try your best. The same applies to the "A" students and the "C" ones. Also, when they get their report cards, we don't even show it to them in the younger grades. Once they are old enough to ask for it and want to see how they did, we always emphasis the middos and behavior marks and tell them how proud we are of them for having good middos as that is the most important thing in school.

If you daughter is self-conscious or embarrassed about her grades, try to build up her other talents so that she has pride in something - she doesn't have to have an amazing voice or be a great artist. Anything that makes her unique and appreciated by others will do wonders for her, like baking a cake for Shabbos or volunteering to help a neighbor. I hope she is in a school that has a lot of extracurricular activities so that she can have a positive school experience unrelated to the academics.

FranticFrummie

Sat, Dec 05 2020, 11:21 am

Is your DD falling behind across the board, or does she have a subject or two that she does well in? Focusing on what she does well, and getting her some tutoring for the weak subjects can make a huge difference.

Has she been evaluated by the school district? You need to know how she stands in the scores. She may qualify for extra help, one on one, or more time on tests. If her deficits are severe, she may benefit from staying back a grade, even if she finds it embarassing.

My DD was reading a the college level in 4th grade, and writing at a college level in 6th grade - yet she was consistently 3 grades behind in math. It was when she finally got a teacher who was patient and took the time to explain things slowly, that DD started to catch up. She's now completely caught up, thank to Covid. It turns out that she learns best on the computer, where there's less pressure.

naomi2

Sat, Dec 05 2020, 7:00 pm

A few things you can do for her are get her a tutor if she wants
Praise her good study habits
Try to develop other sides of her. She doesn't have to have a super talent but if she has an interest in something extracurricular so she can enjoy different parts of her personality.
Change your additude. Don't think if her as just her academic ability, don't think of her as a nebach. Your attitude will wear off on her so make sure it is positive!!

amother

Amethyst

Sat, Dec 05 2020, 7:10 pm

Academics is not for everyone but everyone shines at something. First of all, good for her for trying so hard - 70s is good for a non-academic. Enrol her in extracurriculars that interest her and she'll eventually find something she loves and is brilliant at.

Frumwithallergies

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 11:47 pm

Get her tested to find out her strengths and her weaknesses; that way you can supplement where she is weak, and bolster her confidence with her strengths.

I've been there personally, and my LDs and ADD were only diagnosed once I was in graduate school. I would have had much more self-confidence if my diagnoses had been made earlier.

Do this for your daughter. I agree with another poster who mentioned trying to get testing through a university program.