COVID Sucks!!!! Please stop minimizing it!!!!

amother

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 5:05 am

This is not a discussion about following restrictions. We should.
However, it really irritated me when people minimize other's pain.
My son had a Corona bar mitzvah in June. He spent 6 months practicing his parsha only to lain in front of 9 other men. He dreamed of a 90 person dinner, dancing, singing. He got a dinner in our living room with his class calling in.
He understood. He was a good sport.
But let him kvetchy. Don't tell him that his parents saved money. Don't tell him that bar mitzvas are stupid to spend money on.
Tell him Corona sucks.
My cousin who got married, my child who missed out on graduation and graduation trip, my neighbor who had her seminary year cut short.
My kids haven't seen their grandparents since Chanukah. They don't want to hear all the positives. How you can do everything like before with masks and social distancing.
They want to hear that Corona sucks. That it still sucks. That every bar mitzvah boy, chassan, kalla, graduate, everyone lost out.
And it's rough.
Why are we so afraid of doing that? Why the need for positive spin?

Success10

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 5:09 am

Different people are comforted by different things. Many people are simply comforted by validation. "Yes, corona is awful, you didn't get your dream wedding. I feel for you." Many people want to hear a more positive spin. "B"H you got married! It's not the wedding that counts but the marriage!". So whenever responding to someone, we should try to think about what THEY would want to hear, not what we would want to hear. And on the flip side, if someone says the wrong thing to you in your time of disappointment, please understand they just didn't know how to speak to your language but they meant well.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 5:20 am

Right!

When someone else is going through something we simply validate their feelings.

When we are dealing with challenges ourselves we look for the positive to learn and grow from it.

Big distinction.

southernbubby

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 5:29 am

Of course people need to be validated but we can't complain about Covid weddings to people who are older and single. Our grandson practiced a laining for a Bar Mitzvah after Purim that was cancelled entirely because the virus was sweeping through the community. Nine people would have been a big improvement over having nothing at all.

gold21

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 5:30 am

southernbubby wrote:

Then I would ask, can you complain about your grandson's bar mitzvah to those without children & grandchildren?

Slippery slope of "you can't"

southernbubby

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 5:36 am

gold21 wrote:

Then I would ask, can you complain about your grandson's bar mitzvah to those without children & grandchildren?

Slippery slope of "you can't"

No, but I can discuss it with someone who had 9 men!

amother

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 5:37 am

southernbubby wrote:

Ok.
Let's both complain. Or rather let our boys kvetch.
But we shouldn't be having a conversation about the message of out of control bar mitzvas.
Or tell them about how many people died.
Let's just tell our boys that Corona sucks!!!!

amother

Pearl

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 5:38 am

Yes it does suck. I have someone really close to me who is getting engaged next week. Guess who isn't going to the party? MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Because I can promise you no one is wearing masks and it will be indoors with TONS of people stuffed into a small house.

I literally just sat in my room for 3 hours yesterday and yelled at G-d.

Corona sucks.

amother

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 5:46 am

champion wrote:

Totally sucks,
And BTW, you get to kvetch too...I don't have any Bar Mitzva age kids, but I can imagine that you were looking forward to celebrating this event in a different way.

Thank you.
That's sweet.
But I think everyone gets to kvetch.
Everyone has been affected by Corona somehow.
And I'm not talking about the getting sick and/or dying.
I mean our lives.
And it's ok to complain (even to yourself) about your Corona backyard wedding without being told about the waste of money and the true Yiddishe simcha.
It's ok to complain about zoom Chanukah parties, no graduation, etc.

CrazyDaisie

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 5:52 am

I agree: Corona sucks.

That's the clear picture we should have.

Corona sucks for those who are on a ventilator and cannot breathe.
Corona suchs for the doctors and nurses in hospital who have to take care of those patients and expose themselves to danger.
Corona sucks for the marathon runner who is barely able to go up a flight of stairs now.
Corona sucks for all those who lost loved ones.
Corona sucks for artists and musicians, who cannot organise concerts or exhibits.
Corona sucks for caterers and wedding halls who have virtually no income.
Corona sucks for shops and restaurants and hotels who lose a big part of their revenue.
Corona sucks for teachers who have to double work.
Corona sucks for parents.
And corona also sucks for Bar Mitzva boys, kalle moyds, graduates who could not celebrate their milestone.

Corona sucks.

erm

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 6:05 am

Where does your amunah play in all this? I try to work on believing that everything Hashem does is for the best, even when we don't understand it. Yes, covid times can be tough but we have to know that Hashem loves us and whatever He does is good. Kvetching and complaining are diametric opposites of what we are supposed to be doing. Not saying you can't validate a person's disappointment, but to advocate complaining about the situation is against what we stand for.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 6:07 am

It is not a contest

there are always people who have it better and who have it worse R"L

we can reach out a hand in compassion accept and validate someone's feelings while we silently understand that relatively it could be worse R"L

let them come to the larger understanding on their own or with help later when they are ready if ever

it is a process

we can at least help and understand one another! And support our children and each other wherever we are holding!

PinkFridge

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 6:17 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes!!! Many people aren't making out of control simchas. (Just like the standard 3 weeks talks about do we really want Moshiach and to leave our cushy [multiple homes] etc. Banging head

)

Validate. Tell him he's a gibor, and this would apply even if he didn't handle it optimally.

But I will say, if someone is still carrying it months and years later, they might need someone to talk to, even informally. OHEL has and is continuing to have webinars geared to various demographics out of recognition for the need to process different COVID challenges.

PinkFridge

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 6:21 am

erm wrote:

There has to be an appropriate time allowed to grieve, and then like any grieving, an understanding that the pain comes and goes.
People might find comfort in knowing that they weren't the only ones to go through this, and that would be through something like the OHEL webinars.|
Early on, Rabbi Krohn addressed bar mitzvah boys. Maybe it's time to do so again, in recognition that many people, in many areas, are making COVID simchos.

ETA: I just want to say that I read the OP again and see that her son is a good boy and doing ok. I think it's still important to bring up that there is legitimate grieving to be done. Then, when can start talking emunah etc.

Last edited by PinkFridge on Mon, Dec 07 2020, 6:23 am; edited 1 time in total

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 6:25 am

It's like going to a shiva, and telling the mourners about the meis "Well, they're in a better place" "They're no longer suffering". That's not for others to say to mourners. It's the job of those coming to comfort the mourners, to acknowledge their pain and make space for it. To show comfort in the ways we are taught, not to minimize their grief.

I think it's important that when someone is suffering, it generally isn't someone else's place to tell them why they shouldn't feel pain and should feel better. It's one thing for us to tell ourselves that. If cvs one of us is in mourning, it's one thing for us to say to ourselves "They're in a better place." "They're no longer suffering."

Someone close to me lost their only son as a young adult recently. (Not COVID related FWIW--although it doesn't matter for this point). I NEVER said "Well, he suffered a lot, so he won't suffer anymore", even though they themselves said that about their late son--because it was very true and because the mother chose to be in that headspace about dealing with the tragic loss. Because that's something they have the prerogative to say to themselves if that's part of how they process the grief, but it isn't for me to say to them.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 6:26 am

I got married during lockdown. Barely a minyan, my siblings almost didn't make it. I am not 21, so I'm SO SO SO SO grateful that I got married, and I would much rather give up my longed-for wedding dreams than still be single/dating now.

When I hear people sigh in relief about curbing out of control spending ...

My wedding is not a korban for society's issues.

southernbubby

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 6:29 am

People can complain but people can also be grateful. Our grandson probably would have preferred 9 healthy young men to totally cancelling but there had been a lovely celebration 2 months earlier when he started putting on tefillin, not realizing that he would be giving his bar mitzvah speech on Zoom and not having his first Aliya for several weeks. So he can always look back on his first day of wearing tefillin.