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How would you handle this?
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 9:03 am
How do you handle situations where your child decides to wear a certain style and you are disgusted by the way it looks while DC is in love and wont change . Example: teen that has already developed her own taste , opinions, and wont change her mind while the parent still thinks that DC has odd taste how would you handle?
My daughter has decided to wear something very odd and it causes me extreme uncomfortablity. Yet, nothing I can do to change her mind . She loves it . I think it's very very unique but she still sticks to her beliefs that it looks good on her . (Teeeen) the other day I went shopping with her and I just couldn't swallow it. She wore something that really disgusted me I prompt her 1 or 2x that it looks aweful but she is still very strong about it . It really bothers me . ( it has nothing to do with different haskafa or not being frum) bh DD is Frum, and modest, just simply has a very very odd taste . It's not even so much the clothes she is wearing that bothers me anymore,rather the way its worn. If only she would really know how it makes her look ... , I really mean awful! I'm not handling it. I'm trying to make peice with who my daughter is and I know I won't make her change. she feels happy and good that way. How would you react to such a case? I love her dearly. yes we have a lot of clashes and we both came a long way with our relationship and we have pleasant times together, it's just her strong mind the way she wants to wear certain things that just really does not suit her. that said , she chose a different way of dressing than my other daughters .thing is, her ego is to be different than everyone else . Any tips how I can make piece with this , especially it shouldn't bother me when I go out together with her?
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 9:05 am
I wouldn’t say a word unless it wasn’t tznius.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 9:06 am
I’m trying to imagine what would disgust me? If it conforms to tznius I think I’d let her express herself. A belly ring or tattoo would disgust me but I’m guessing that’s not what you’re referring to
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 9:24 am
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
I’m trying to imagine what would disgust me? If it conforms to tznius I think I’d let her express herself. A belly ring or tattoo would disgust me but I’m guessing that’s not what you’re referring to


I cant pinpoint exactly what for people not to figure who I am.
whenever I think about it , I calm down just by thinking that bh what you saying above is not the case . She's a frum , very modest girl!
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 9:29 am
I mean, if it’s tznius to your family’s standards, then I’m not sure what more you should do. Voicing your disgust for her style might do a whole bunch more damage than good.
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OOTforlife




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 9:32 am
If you can avoid looking directly at it, that might help. Make it a point, anytime your gaze shifts towards it, to look at your daughter's eyes, forehead, or somewhere else.

It might also help you to look back through some old pictures of yourself or your older female relatives to see some styles that would probably seem ridiculous to you today.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 9:32 am
We have very different opinions that causes me lots of distress . I'm just asking how others that are in the same situation are dealing it?
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 9:37 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How do you handle situations where your child decides to wear a certain style and you are disgusted by the way it looks while DC is in love and wont change . Example: teen that has already developed her own taste , opinions, and wont change her mind while the parent still thinks that DC has odd taste how would you handle?
My daughter has decided to wear something very odd and it causes me extreme uncomfortablity. Yet, nothing I can do to change her mind . She loves it . I think it's very very unique but she still sticks to her beliefs that it looks good on her . (Teeeen) the other day I went shopping with her and I just couldn't swallow it. She wore something that really disgusted me I prompt her 1 or 2x that it looks aweful but she is still very strong about it . It really bothers me . ( it has nothing to do with different haskafa or not being frum) bh DD is Frum, and modest, just simply has a very very odd taste . It's not even so much the clothes she is wearing that bothers me anymore,rather the way its worn. If only she would really know how it makes her look ... , I really mean awful! I'm not handling it. I'm trying to make peice with who my daughter is and I know I won't make her change. she feels happy and good that way. How would you react to such a case? I love her dearly. yes we have a lot of clashes and we both came a long way with our relationship and we have pleasant times together, it's just her strong mind the way she wants to wear certain things that just really does not suit her. that said , she chose a different way of dressing than my other daughters .thing is, her ego is to be different than everyone else . Any tips how I can make piece with this , especially it shouldn't bother me when I go out together with her?


Please imagine that someone whose opinion you truly value -- your mother, your best friend, your rebbetzin -- told you that your appearance "disgusts" her and that you look really and truly awful. That dress that you love? You look really bad in it.

Don't do that to your child.

Just bite your tongue, and let it go.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 9:55 am
OP, disgust is a strong word to use on your child, especially if they dress tzenuis. I'm very stringent in tzenuis but always had weird taste and unique style. My mom always supported me and said how good I looked. Some styles were just a passing stage in independently trying to figure myself out and eventually I grew up. As long as she's tzenuis, just let it go. I try to encourage my girls from when they're very young to choose their own clothing and have their own style.
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essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 10:11 am
hold your tongue. hold your tongue. hold your tongue.
BTDT
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 10:17 am
You are having very strong reactions to something as superficial as clothing.

I would not say a thing.

My rule with all my children is as long as what they're wearing is weather and situation appropriate, I don't say a thing. Everyone has the right to freely explore and express themselves via their fashion.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 10:50 am
There are two possibilities here. Either she's going through a phase, as most teenagers do. I thinkost of us look back on pictures from our teenage years with a fair bit of cringe. If this is the case, then it's temporary and it's not worth making a fight out of it.

The other possibility is this is her style, and this is just how she is. In which case it's not worth making a fight because in the grand scheme of things, fashion (or lack thereof) really doesn't matter. Some people just march to their own beat. I'm one such person. I'm in my 30s and my mother still whines and complains about how fashion challenged I am. As an adult, not only do I get to wear what I want, I also get to decide how much time I spend with my mother. I'll let you take a wild guess as to how much time I choose to spend with my nagging, hyper critical mother. Think hard about whether weird outfits are worth that to you.
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 11:18 am
I get you op. If it's not a tznius issue, I would try to "accept" my daughter the way she is. I will however tell her that this other top looks so much better. or I would tell her that she looks amazing when its tucked in, or tucked out or whatever.
Unless she looks deranged or homeless or something. Then I would tell her something. Who else is supposed to tell her if not her mother?
It's really really really tough to suck it up. I'm not minimizing it at all. And I really know how it feels. You probably think it has a reflection on you and it doesn't feel good at all.
Good luck op, this is inner work for you to do and I'm wishing you the best of luck with it.
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amother
Linen


 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 1:58 pm
I think it depends on if the choice of clothes is affecting her in ways she doesn't realize. Is she losing babysitting jobs, or something like that? Is it off-putting to people she wants to spend time with, enough that they are avoiding her? If so, she can be made aware of that, and then make her own choices. If not, let it go.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 2:06 pm
My little one closes the top button on her uniform blouse. When I look at her, I feel claustrophobic. But to her, it feels so cozy and comfortable in a sensory way.
I tried to explain to her that it looks better with the blouse just a little open. Between you and me, I think she looks thinner and like she has a longer neck when it's open. 🤣 Just a mishigas, I know.

It is not important in the long run of our lives. I don't want it to affect our relationship or her self esteem. So I zip my mouth. And force it to not bother me. I am accepting this as - this is her. She's her own person. I love her. Just her. The blouse doesn't matter.

Don't hurt her. Don't make her question if her taste is good enough or acceptable. This small thing can affect a person for the rest of their lives C"V. We don't want children to grow up questioning themselves and not being confident in their own opinions. We want them to be confident. To be able to make important decisions on their own. Letting them make these types of choices now helps them grow for later.

You can do this OP!
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amother
Azure


 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 2:14 pm
I agree with everyone saying to accept it - but what to do when it will impact your child socially in a negative way? Sometimes my dd wants to wear a hairstyle that I know the other kids will think is “nerdy” so I don’t let her even though she prefers her own taste. (Sorry If this is a spin off)
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healthymom1




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 2:19 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We have very different opinions that causes me lots of distress . I'm just asking how others that are in the same situation are dealing it?


Just cuz it isn't your way... doesn't mean its the wrong way.

Appreicate your daughter for who she is and what she able to do for herself. She is her own person, so embrace it and encourage her to find her own way so she doesn't feel the need to hide things from you.

Also stop calling her choices disgusting (clearly she is keeping Halacha) ... they just unique. You don't have to agree with her taste. Eclectic can be nice she may just need time to perfect it.
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 2:20 pm
amother [ Azure ] wrote:
I agree with everyone saying to accept it - but what to do when it will impact your child socially in a negative way? Sometimes my dd wants to wear a hairstyle that I know the other kids will think is “nerdy” so I don’t let her even though she prefers her own taste. (Sorry If this is a spin off)
You have to let the child know that they will be perceived a certain way if they dress a certain way. Give them examples of if a child goes to school with a big ketchup stain on his shirt, it makes people think they are smelly or not hygienic and they don't like to play with such a child. Or however you want to word it in order to explain it on their level that it's not okay to go to school with a big ketchup stain.
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 2:28 pm
amother [ Azure ] wrote:
I agree with everyone saying to accept it - but what to do when it will impact your child socially in a negative way? Sometimes my dd wants to wear a hairstyle that I know the other kids will think is “nerdy” so I don’t let her even though she prefers her own taste. (Sorry If this is a spin off)

What values do you want to impart to your child? That it's more important to care about what other people think than what they themselves like? If this really is your opinion, we have very different priorities when it comes to parenting.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, Dec 09 2020, 2:31 pm
Teomima wrote:
What values do you want to impart to your child? That it's more important to care about what other people think than what they themselves like? If this really is your opinion, we have very different priorities when it comes to parenting.


I am constantly shocked by how many mothers here seem to regard the opinion of others over their own. Perception and conformity Are huge on this site
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