How to handle having teenagers and babies at the same time

amother

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 1:11 am

I just recently had my 6th child. The oldest is 14, youngest a newborn. I'm struggling with how to approach this late bedtime of my oldest two boys and still have some quiet time to myself at night. They often stay up till 11-1 taking snacks, being wild and just generally being loud. I've tried different things but it feel bad kicking them into their rooms and not letting them live in their house. I feel like I need the space more now because with a new baby your so physically on all the time. Wondering if anyone had an insights into dealing with this? Thanks!

amother

Linen

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 1:46 am

There comes a time once kids turn into teenagers that getting quiet time at night is a thing of the past and you can look forward to it once all of the kids are out of the house. What you can do is retreat to your own room for the quiet but let them roam the house. You can still impose an earlier bedtime for them that even if they don't sleep, they can't be running around making noise. I had 2 17 year olds with a newborn. They made up for it by being super helpful with the baby so I got quiet time late afternoon.

amother

Pink

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 2:01 am

If you think you can't force them into their rooms, they should at least be quiet at night. It's not mentchlich to be noisy at night. Tell them they have to be quiet and you go into your room. How does a 14 year old get up on time if he goes to sleep so late?

amother

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 2:32 am

I agree it's not menchlich but both my older boys are adHD...and they get very wild.and have a hard time listening when I want them to calm down. Also my 14 year old started with these naps and that's why he goes to bed so late... so hard to control thier sleeping patterns... I've discussed it with him but I can't force him not to sleep during the day...he's not a little kid anymore. ( my older kids are doing zoom now so they have more free time during the day....)

Aylat

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 4:37 am

Same ages and also some ADHD. I say goodnight and retreat to my own room. Sit with the reading lamp on, a book or show, and a special treat or nightcap. It only works for me though bec it doesn't disturb my baby.

I also hand off the baby to them for an hour during the day sometimes. Or nap or take time out in my room during the baby's nap. (Only works if you're on maternity leave and home during the day).

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 5:38 am

Adhd plus Zoom equals not enough activity and interaction to go to sleep at normal times. If only you are being disturbed by their night behavior, I would go into your room at night. Or are they constantly coming to get you, or does their behavior warrant your intervention?

amother

Orchid

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 6:25 am

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

Tell them you need peace and quiet at night. Set boundaries. No food after 10:00. Anything before that allowed. Set rules.

You could do that, but I don't think it's the norm. I don't know anyone who tells their teens that the kitchen is off bounds after ten.
Of course it's all cultural and I remember there used to be a poster here from Europe who said that in her community all the kids are shut up in their rooms by nine pm, including older teens.

But in the States I think it's not done at all.

amother

Orchid

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 6:28 am

I have a lot of teens at home.
Once you have teens at home, the house is no longer your exclusive space. You are sharing it with a few other mini adults. They need to be respectful of you and not make noise after you are in bed, but you can't expect a 14 yr old to stay in their room after 10 pm.
You are going to have to learn to carve your own space out even with teens roaming the house at all hours.

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 6:51 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I would hide in my room at night with the baby because I just needed my space. I think your kids can be up and about but they need to be told they have to be quiet and not wild in order to have that privilege.

amother

Navy

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 6:55 am

My teens definitely have a bedtime. I don't tell them when it is, I make it their own choice but if they are still roaming around at 11 pm on a school night, I tell them it's time to call it a night.

I would be super upset if they were noisy late at night. There are other children sleeping and our house is small. If I would need to remind them 3x in one night about their noise level, the next night they'd lose their privilege of being up past 10 pm. Meaning they'd need to be showered and in bed by 10 and if they're not tired they can read quietly in bed.

amother

Yellow

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 7:04 am

The addition of ADHD is the problem here. Kids that age know to be quiet but two together are probably wreaking havoc in your house.
I can only compare to my life and I might be wrong but my experience has been that adhd kids are not mature enough to self regulate and are generally less mature than most that age. If posters are mentally comparing them to your kids that age then you would need to think of an 11 and 8 year old children in terms of self control and the ability to make smart decisions and get themselves to bed.
Regardless of adhd the 11 year old should not be up that late.
You need to start the bed time routine in your house way earlier. Supper at six bathes at 8. start prodding them a few hours earlier. The 11 year old does not need to be up past 8:30-9:30. Start the morning earlier. Wake up turn on the lights let the little ones make noise. What time does your son wake for minyan? Wake him up so he should be tired earlier. Don’t allow those naps. If he falls asleep wake him. I live in a house that doesn’t have the bedrooms separately upstairs so daytime is daytime for everyone.
My kids meds keep them from napping during the day so at least they are more subdued in the evening although they wouldn’t go to sleep without constant prodding to continue with the bedtime routine.
Average teens will be up late but they will not be impulsive and noisy.
It doesn’t help me to get quiet time to myself but at least we are all in bed and sleeping by 11:00

amother

Orchid

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 7:35 am

amother [ Navy ] wrote:

My teens definitely have a bedtime. I don't tell them when it is, I make it their own choice but if they are still roaming around at 11 pm on a school night, I tell them it's time to call it a night.

I think with a 14 yr old you can often do that, if he or she is a pretty obedient kid.
Once you get to 15, 16 - most kids aren't going to be happy to be in their rooms by 11. Especially if there is no school/zoom school.
I guess it also depends on location. My kids are in Israel, friends stay over sometimes past 11 pm on a school night, it is what it is.
They are also often up studying for exams past that hour.

amother

Wine

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 7:39 am

My oldest was 17 when I had my baby. Now I have a 4 year old and a 21 year old. And a few in between.
There is no quiet in my house.
My teens eat 24 hours a day. One has a snack at 11, then the next at 12. Then I hear noises in the kitchen at 1.
I ask them to be quiet but you cannot force adult children into their rooms.
That's life.
When my older ones will start to move out, I can reclaim my house, but at this stage of life, it is what it is.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 7:41 am

Where is your husband at night? Can't he exert some authority over the kids? If they won't listen to you, they should definitely listen to their father. Someone needs to be the adult and lay down some boundaries.

I understand that you are overwhelmed with the new baby. You need DH to do something!

amother

Navy

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 8:03 am

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

Her oldest is 14. 14 is still a young teen. My older teens I would handle differently.
Friends over past 11, my house is too small for that.

yksraya

Sun, Dec 13 2020, 11:55 am

I don't think there will ever again be quiet time once the kids are teens. What I do is I just go into my room and do mine. I do remind them to not be noisy at night so that the toddler don't wake. If I'm trying to make an early night, I just use a noise machine to block the noise.

It's also important to go out every now and then to get some privacy and be able to have private discussions with dh.

It's hard getting used to this stage of life. When my kids were toddlers, I put them to sleep before 7 and had the nights for myself. Slowly it turned to 9, and now it's after 10 and sometimes as late as 12-1. It's especially hard when the younger ones are still little and still have an early bedtime, and wake early. I do try to make an early night whenever possible, if I have luck to actually fall asleep.