3 year old whines, won't tell me why

amother

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 7:01 am

My 3 year old is verbal, average+ intelligent, no disabilities. Her normal self will tell me what she wants, she is very assertive, not at all shy, and she can get dressed alone. Sometimes she whines and still talks "I want chocolate" etc, then whines if she doesn't get it or if it's taking too long, and I can handle that, but what's been driving me crazy is when she'll just whine without saying words and not communicate what she wants. She does this approximately once a day, often but not always after waking up.

So today she's on Hanukkah vacation so stayed home with me, took a nap on her own (I didn't tell her to or even suggest it). Woke up from her nap whining, went to the toilet to pee whining the whole time and wet her pants while on the toilet (it happens). Whined the whole time. I took off her pants and underwear and told her something like "it's okay, it happens, now go get dressed" (she usually dresses herself so it wasn't an unreasonable request), and she just stands there whining with no words.

I'll be like "what do you want?" -- no answer.

"Are you upset?" -- no answer

"If you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't help you." -- no answer

"Do you feel okay?" -- no answer.

So I left her there naked and whining and went to get myself something to eat, thinking she'd either get dressed or at least follow me and tell me what she wanted, but I ate for at least 10-15 minutes and the whole time she stood there naked whining without words, no tears so it wasn't crying. It was really weird because when I put her in time out, it's usually for a minute, I would have never left her in time out for that long, but she was free to go and chose not to. Finally I went over and helped her get dressed (she cooperated), and then I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said yes so I hugged her then asked her if she wanted to cuddle and she said yes, so we cuddled for a while and she stopped whining.

I just don't know what to do about this behavior. Advice please!

Iymnok

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 7:07 am

She probably woke up "on the wrong side of the bed". DD sometimes needs some help waking up. Usually it’s a little food or other distraction. I’d put underwear on her offer her some yogurt or something or read her a book. After a bit she generally finishes waking up and is her normal happy self.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 7:10 am

It's so hard to tell at that age! Give her your hand, and say "Can you show me?" I found that to be very helpful with DD. When she couldn't find the words, she could still point. "Do you have an owie? Can you show me?"

Did she just turn 3, or is she closer to 4? If she's on the younger side, she's really still a toddler. Closer to 4, and I'd be more concerned, and maybe consider a speech and language evaluation.

She already went pee, so it couldn't be that. Does she make #2 in the potty without problems? She may be constipated, but not understand why her body feels that way. Try offering her a healthy snack like apple slices. She may be a little hungry and not know why she's cranky.

Is there a new baby in the house? She may be regressing a bit, wanting you to baby her and anticipate her needs, like a new baby would be treated.

Is she in gan? Maybe she sees other kids whining for attention, and is picking up on a bad habit.

Once she's a teenager, believe me, she'll be telling you EXACTLY what she wants (but she'll still whine if she doesn't get it!)

salt

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 7:25 am

Try asking her if she wants to cuddle right from the beginning - not after 10 mins. Maybe that's all she wants.

amother

Ruby

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 7:44 am

Start by validating, and just state the facts, and see what happens. “You seem upset. You wanted X, but it was time to do Y, so we had to put it away, and now you’re mad.”
If she uses a whiney tone, say “thank you for telling me what the problem is. I can’t really understand you when you use that voice. Can we try asking Mommy again, but nicer, so I can hear you?”
If she refuses to tell you- “sweetie, I would love to help you. When you are ready to tell me what’s wrong, I will be in the kitchen waiting for you.”

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 8:28 am

Most adults I know aren't able to always articulate why they're in a bad mood. So I definitely don't expect a three year old to be able to do so, no matter how intelligent or articulate they are. Just offer something to eat, something to drink, bathroom, and cuddle. Don't take it personally, and don't expect her to always be able to explain herself. Sometimes it's just too much for her.

Butterfly

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 8:42 am

amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:

This!

amother

Navy

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 10:29 am

I think toddlers act like that when they just need some emotional support. My DC does this often and at first we tried to figure out what is wrong but she'll just repeat it over and over. Then I said let me just hold your hand and walla she was ok.
I think its just her way of trying to communicate a need for emotional support and/or loving attention.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 11:01 am

I have some kids like that. It’s just their makeup and personality.
You can “plotz” but try not to Smile

allthingsblue

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 11:07 am

I would offer a hug or a snuggle, and I would say "I can't understand when you speak in that voice. Please talk in a respectful voice."

LovesHashem

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 11:14 am

That's normal. I'd offer food, drink, a snuggle, and if they refuse it all I would just tell them like you said that I can't help you if I don't know what you want.

amother

Slategray

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 12:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My three year old does this too. When she's in a good mood, she is very verbal and her little voice is just so cute when she tells me things, but when she decides to just whine... it's so frustrating.
I usually offer to hold her in my lap and cuddle. Sometimes she takes me up on it, and sometimes she pushes me away and just wants to whine. If she does that, I come back a few minutes later and offer again.
My pediatrician calls it being a 'threenager' (like 'teenager') where they want to assert their independence but they really still need you and they want you to help them even while they push you away. I found that very helpful to think about.