My 7 year old lies

amother

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 2:27 pm

He constantly does it. What to do?

#BestBubby

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 4:27 pm

Read stories about gedolim and ordinary people who were honest.

Even famous story about abe lincoln being honest.

Also, be very honest yourself. Don't keep saying "in a minute..." if you know it will take
much longer. Don't tell child to tell person at phone or at the door "Say Mommy is not home..."

Do NOT call the child a liar - labels tend to be self fulfilling promises.

Some parents found success by pretending to believe the child by saying

"I believe you because I know you would not say a lie"

Do NOT over react when child does something wrong so they are afraid to tell the truth.

Always praise child for honesty if they admit the truth.

Hatzlochah!

oneofakind

Mon, Dec 14 2020, 8:28 pm

Don't confront therefore forcing him to lie.
DC with chocolate all over his face. Not- Did you eat the cake I was saving for Shabbos?
Rather- It looks like you ate the cake. I'm upset because.... What should we do about it now?

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 5:54 am

there is a good chance they will outgrow. a certain amount of lying is normal for children. They don't do it maliciously. They are telling you what they want to be true. I had one kid who was really bad in this. I was worried. He outgrew it.
eta - you can say to them when appropriate- don't you wish that were true? me too.
ex - he tells all his friends in all sincerity that the whole family is flying to disneyland for winter vacation - mom: that sounds like fun. don't you wish we were going to disneyland?

FranticFrummie

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 8:58 am

I never used the word "lie" with DD when she was that age. Kids can't always tell fact from fiction, from wishful thinking, from bad dreams, or just attention seeking.

I talked to her about tricking people, and how it doesn't feel nice when someone tricks you. I told her that she would not like it if someone told her that something was true, when it was not true, because they wanted to trick her. For example "I bought you a present today... Just kidding!" Not nice. Sad

If she tried to tell me a whopper, I would say "Did this happen, or are you being tricky?" For some reason, she usually smiled when she was caught being tricky, and it was a dead giveaway. I'd say "That was a good story. Now can you tell me what happened?"

The upside is, that all of her teachers have told me that she has a bright future as a young adult fiction writer! They are consistently amazed at her creativity and imagination. LOL

Encourage your child to write stories or make their own "comic books", illustrating their stories. When your kid lies straight out, you say "I don't think that's real, but that would be a great story. Can you draw that?"

A project gives them an outlet, and shows them that there are good and bad ways to express themselves. Praise their work when it is presented as fiction.

ETA: Never label the child, always label the behavior. "Your are a liar." is not good. "You sometimes tell lies" is a tiny bit better. Be clear with your child that you don't like the behavior, but you still love the child. It's a complicated concept for a kid to grasp. "I don't like it when you try to trick me." is a good "I" statement.

BTW, this topic needs to be pinned. It gets asked at least once a week, so at least you know that it's normal and age appropriate!

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 10:38 am

I call my 3 year old out. He is not allowed to lie. I tell him I'll be much Angier if he lies.. I might not be happy with what he did, but if he lies he he will definitely get punished.

Lying is unacceptable.

ShishKabob

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 10:43 am

I really make a big deal when they say the truth. Any even if I'm hopping mad about what they did, if they say the truth, I will say, because you said the truth, there will be no consequence. This has really worked for my 7 year old. I'm so grateful that I didn't lose myself and told him that because he said the truth, he will not get a consequence. And believe it or not, he has been saying the truth more and more. It's a growth process, it's not going to change overnight.
Hugs and Good Luck! It aint easy but with Hashems help, you should be able to show him how much you value the truth.

amother

Vermilion

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 10:44 am

My 10 year old lies too. I find it very distressing.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 10:56 am

Gosh I am still having this with my 12 year old. Any advice on how to properly handle?

amother

Silver

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 12:30 pm

Kids could be lying because they're afraid to get in trouble or because they have a wild imagination and whatever they wish would happen or they see themselves in what they heard .
Obviously you can't deal with it the same way.
If they did something wrong, praise them for telling the truth and not lying.
If they make up stories, point it out to them. " sounds like so much fun, you wish this and this would happen...."
Listen to their stories and tell them that it's so entertaining that you're wondering if it can be true...
At 12yrs old is definitely way more problematic than at 6 or 7!!

#BestBubby

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 2:42 pm

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

Gosh I am still having this with my 12 year old. Any advice on how to properly handle?

Maybe ask the Rebbe/Morah to teach about the greatness of honesty.

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 3:35 pm

If you know your child is lying you need to stop them. Take something away, time out... something.

Lying should be unacceptable.
More trouble for lying than telling the truth.

Do you lie to your kids?

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 3:37 pm

Lying should not be acceptable, but saying the truth should be safe and comfortable.

Try to think why your child feels the need to lie.