I have emunah, but my bitachon feels lost forever.

miami85

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 4:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I have full emunah. I know hashem is involved inthe greater picture.
But my bitachon, my trust in hashem has fallen so far down, I dont know how to get it back.
And yes, even though I have the emunah in hashem and some might say if I have emunah the bitachon will follow. But for me it doesnt.
Too many not good things have happened in my lifetime that my bitachon is just gone. I feel extremely negative in hashem and dont feel any trust for him. I also feel deserted by god as well.
I dont know how I can ever get that back. Ive read books. And I even have tried faking it until I make it. Its been years and years. Nothing is working or helping. Am I just going to go forever without bitachon? Crying

I can truly empathize with this sentiment. I have gone through a LOT of hardship over and over again, and it has been VERY hard to get through the dark phases.

It was about 6 years ago that I was nearing the end of a very rough near-5 year stint when like yad Hashem steered me toward an opportunity in the blink of an eye and I walked into a new-job orientation to find bamboo-enclosed pens on the chair and there was a presentation about how Bamboo grows. You plant it the first year, and water it, and water it, and water it and water it, and nothing happens and then (as said in this presentation) in the 5th year it shoots up and up and up. The moral of the story is that it can take years for us to see the outcome of our toil. It happens to be that I went on to have a great year that year and many things turned around that year, and we had a good 2-3 years after that. I even reflected with my husband that all of those difficult events over that 5 years were directly responsible for a few important career-impacting decisions which would have been more difficult to make with clarity had it not been for the difficult years.

Currently--and even before Covid-- we we've been stuck in another down-cycle, but I am learning from that 5-year experience that perhaps it was a "test-run" for what we are going through then. Kind of like "exercise reps" first you start off in a short burst, then you get a little longer, and then you hold out as long as you can. But the moral of the story is that it can be difficult to navigate through the murky waters but you will come out stronger on the other side if you make it through.

Hang in there, I know it's "easier said than done"--I've nearly reached my breaking point a few times, but each dawn of a new day brings hope for the next chapter.

amother

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 4:24 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

What helps me when I feel like this is to look back and see how much I've grown over the years. I went through so many hardships and I would never want to live through this by choice, but I have become more patient, diligent and humble. It takes years and years to get to this. The first step is acceptance. Stop fighting Him.

This is probably it. I just cant accept it all. All of the bad things, over such a long time with so many different things happening. If acceptance takes years, Ill be dead before I get there Sad

amother

Navy

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 4:42 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

Rabbi Reisman speaks about davening apropos to the concept of the normal ruts we get in, the yemei ha'ahava, where we feel ON, and everything is going right, and yemei hasina, which I know I don't have to elaborate on. He brings a moshol of a traveling clock repairman, who goes from village to village to repair the timepieces. But some are irreparable. Because it's important to keep winding the mechanism so that it won't atrophy.

The nimshol is, we need to keep davening, even by rote. I won't say that anyone here who've given up on davening is beyond hope. It's never too late.

AND I will also say that I recognize that some of you who are reading this are rolling your eyes because for you it's beyond the regular ups and downs of life; the disappointment and feeling of abandonment is just too much.

But I'm still going to hit send because it might still help. Maybe someone will say something on a regular basis, formal or informal, just a few minutes, and it might be meaningful.

Hug

to everyone.

Thank you for pressing send. I will continue winding my time piece with the hope that the watch maker will show up.

I really appreciate your kind words.

thunderstorm

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 5:01 pm

OP, it can be very difficult. I’ve gone through phases of being very angry at Hashem and I could see no way out of my misery and problems.
But then, when I joined a 12 Step recovery program , one of their mantras was “Let go and let God”. And ever since I let go of trying to do whatever I can to make my situation better and I just told Hashem “I did mine, the rest is up to you” , is when one thing after another started falling into place. My attitude changed and then my reality changed. I no longer felt the need to control my outcomes. Sometimes , we are unaware that we do that. We want a specific answer and do whatever we can to hopefully get that answer. But sometimes Hashem wants me to deal with a specific hardship so that I can struggle with it , do my best, and then let go, and allow him to drive the wheel.
I also found that when I feel angry and resentful towards Hashem, I force myself to stop and say or write down five things that I’m grateful for. After all, everything I have comes from Hashem. The more I express my gratitude, the more my attitude shifts into seeing how really everything he sends me , even the tzaros, are a blessing in disguise.

mandksima

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 5:01 pm

What helps me accept difficulties is believing the fact that our neshamos picked our lives before we were sent down to this world. We picked our parents, our social and financial situations, our pain that we go through - we accepted everything because we knew each part of our life was to help us reach our mission for this lifetime, to do our tikkun that didn't get finished last time around. We need the sensitivity and empathy that only comes when we go through a certain uncomfortable and painful situation. I even tell my kids that they picked me as their mother when they complain and say I'm the worst one in the world. When I complain about my own mother, I remind myself of this.

Maybe internalizing this can help accept all that has been your lot. When you see, after 120, that you signed a contract for this exact life, you will have nothing to say to Hashem but be sad that you didn't realize this while you had time left. Better to find a way to accept now and ask Hashem to help you through it all, not to remove all of the necessary pain but to help you deal with it all. Say, "It's too much Hashem, please take a little bit onto your shoulders, I need help, hold my hand please." But say this after you've accepted that your neshama knows what it needs for this life and has accepted it already.

amother

Amber

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 5:37 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This is probably it. I just cant accept it all. All of the bad things, over such a long time with so many different things happening. If acceptance takes years, Ill be dead before I get there Sad

I wish I had solutions instead of picking on everyone's responses and criticizing them. But I have to comment on the "acceptance" idea.

It is not human to accept significant hardships especially when it's not offset by good things. We can't tell a 40 year old single to just be happy and accept. We can't tell someone suffering from debilitating poverty to just accept. We're human and we need certain things.

amother

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 6:02 pm

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

To never give up
No matter how things look now
We never know when things can change in an instant
We were both totally prepared for surgery
And suddenly there was no surgery
It gave me alot of strength
(It's not my only struggle so I understand from that that anything can change)
I'm just sharing
If it's not helpful to you I'm sorry

not really helpful to me.
Things can change, but they dont always and sonetimes they do but not for the better.
For me, thats how it is/was.

imorethanamother

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 7:01 pm

amother [ White ] wrote:

The Chazon Ish writes that there is a common misconception of bitachon: it is NOT that we believe that Hashem will make everything the way we want. That is the kind of bitachon that people have when things are going well for them!
Rather it’s believing that EVERYTHING that happens is from Hashem, even if it’s not the way we want. And we should believe that it’s part of His plan, for our (eventual?) good.

That said, I have not had an easy life at all. My prayers were not answered the way I wanted. 25 years later I’m in a better place than had my prayers then been answered. But it’s still hard for me to daven a lot (like I did then). Instead I daven very short & concise and try to remind myself that everything is up to Him. I can only ask for what I think is best & hope that He is kind to me in some way.
Hugs!

Well said.

funkyfrummom

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 7:10 pm

I was taught once (generally about how people relate to G-d, not specifically Jews or a Jewish perspective) that we can think of G-d as having 3 "faces" having to do with how you perceive G-d. The idea is that as humans we tend to be stronger in one of these, but weaker in the others.

- Infinite: seeing order, creative intelligence, Divine in nature, Divine in artistic expression, etc... this one tends to be more impersonal (this one is most relevant to emunah),
- Intimate: connecting to G'd through a personal relationship (this one is most related to bitachon)
- Inner: feeling the goodness of G-d within yourself, the spark of G-d inside you, being made in Hashem's "image"

I know, for me, seeing the infinite face is pretty easy, but when it comes to the intimate face I struggle. For people who want to develop in the area of connecting with G-d as intimate, the suggestions are things like prayer, arguing with G-d, conversing with G-d, and singing/niggunim throughout the day. OP, I think you said you do not pray and were turned off from shul, but maybe more conversational type prayer throughout your day might help in developing the type of connection with Hashem that will help build more bitachon.

----
Another thought...

My mom used to always say "This too shall pass." (Once saw a Russian who had this in Hebrew on a ring they wore and they attributed it to Shlomo haMelech(?) Never heard it elsewhere.)

Mom most often said it when things were exasperating or when "bad" things just kept coming one after another. It wasn't until I was middle-aged that I figured out that the expression ISN'T just about getting through the hard times. It applies equally when times are "good." In other words, whatever the present state is it is temporary/transient/changing/in flux. Even if our life is filled with undue hardship, in the larger scheme of things these struggles are inconsequential. There is a much, much bigger picture that is far beyond our understanding.

If you're someone who is better at relating to G-d as infinite, then maybe that is useful to consider. If it is hard to trust that H" has your back at a personal level, then just lean into the understanding of H" as infinite and trust in THAT.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 8:10 pm

OP, I’m hearing so much pain and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through!

I’ve been struggling with my bitachon and relationship with Hashem. I think it’s connected- when I’m angry at Him, I don’t feel like I have bitachon...

What helped me was to write a letter to G-d every day and just write out my pain to Him. Write to Him how I don’t understand and I feel like He messed up my life. I did this for as long as I needed to.

A lot of my struggle was fighting myself and saying that I shouldn’t feel this way. I reminded myself that Hashem can handle my pain and anger!

I felt such a release and only by validating my pain and accepting it for what it was, I could get past it to the other side.