Can someone tell me which community is not competitive? | Imamother

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Can someone tell me which community is not competitive?

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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artsy

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 3:27 am

Competitive materialistically?
I don't know where to post this.
I do not live in NY but the materialism, gashmiyus where I live is honestly devastating to me. I have older kids and can't just leave. But it seems to me that unless your chasidish the material standard and ideas and products that have been introduced and the pressure is everywhere. Please post or pm me if there is a place that accepts yeshivash baalei teshuvah and doesn't weigh you down with constant materialistic pressure and unrealistic standards.

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DrMom

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 3:36 am

According to many posters here, many OOT communities are less obsessed with materialistic matters than NYC communities are.

You say you don't live in NYC, so I am not sure to what we are comparing things...

I belong to a DL community in a mixed city in Israel and don't feel any materialistic pressure at all. I think many communities in Israel are like this, but there are very few "American yeshivish style" communities here.

Last edited by DrMom on Sun, Dec 20 2020, 3:38 am; edited 1 time in total

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artsy

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 3:38 am

Yes I am talking about in America.
I think if I could move to Israel it would be a different story.

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Success10

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 3:40 am

As you said, you have older kids, so leaving isn't such an easy option. If you are otherwise settled where you are, I would consider reinforcing your own sense of self, and your own standards for simple living, and make it fun and enjoyable for your kids. Also know there is pressure everywhere. I mean everywhere. I live in a simple Chareidi Kollel community and there is pressure here too.

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amother

Bisque

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 3:56 am

Obviously I don't know you, but something to think about is that competitive people will be competitive no matter where they are. Yes, some communities are more modest in their needs. (And btw, I'm not sure that all chassidim live so simply. Do you know about the expectations for setting up a newlywed couple?) But as the poster above said, there can be competitiveness even in an outwardly modest community.

Wherever you go, there you are. Are you the one who feels pressure to keep up with the Joneses? Because sometimes the Joneses are happily living beneath their means and have no idea that anyone is trying to keep up with them.

By all means, find neighbors with solid values. That goes a long way. But keep an eye on yourself as well.

Maybe if you give an example of what you're trying to avoid (eg shabbos coats for toddlers) and what sorts of jobs you need, we can suggest communities that fit your needs.

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amother

Sienna

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 8:52 am

In Brooklyn - the Kensington neighborhood has people of all types (including Yeshivish ba’alei teshuva). There is little (if any) materialism and no competition and/or pressure. (Even wealthy people live simply, and you wouldn’t know they have money, from passing by their houses.)

In NJ - Passaic may be a community that would fit your criteria and meet your needs.

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amother

White

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 8:55 am

There are quite a few neighborhoods in Lakewood (believe it or not!) that fit your criteria. I don't know if they are selling houses there right now, though...

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amother

Copper

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 8:58 am

Baltimore amothers agree, Baltimore is a very “to each their own” type of town. No competition. We are a very happy place to live. And the schools don't play into the shtick we read about here. (Shameless plug especially for TA and Bnos, although all of our schools are excellent). And yes, many here are BTs, I assume. No one really makes an issue of it. I am a BT. We all just exist.

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amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 9:01 am

Cleveland

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DrMom

Sun, Dec 20 2020, 9:11 am

If you need to stay put for the sake of your children not changing schools so late in the game, what price will you will pay if you don't buy into the materialistic rat race?

Will they kick your kids out of school? Will your friends drop you?

Maybe now that you are already somewhat established in the community, you can chart a slightly more down-to-earth path, and move in a few years when your kids have graduated?

Or are the consequences too great?

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TwinsMommy

Sun, Jan 03 2021, 2:43 am

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

Cleveland

when we moved to Cleveland in 2005, yes. Now, not so much. It's a whole different clientele here in Cleveland now due to Ed Choice.

BTs (I am one) are NOT widely loved and accepted here for who they are. In my experience anyway.

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Kiwi13

Sun, Jan 03 2021, 2:47 am

Rochester, NY!!! :-)

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amother

Jade

Sun, Jan 03 2021, 3:44 am

artsy wrote:

Competitive materialistically?
I don't know where to post this.
I do not live in NY but the materialism, gashmiyus where I live is honestly devastating to me. I have older kids and can't just leave. But it seems to me that unless your chasidish the material standard and ideas and products that have been introduced and the pressure is everywhere. Please post or pm me if there is a place that accepts yeshivash baalei teshuvah and doesn't weigh you down with constant materialistic pressure and unrealistic standards.

Am I reading this right? I’m chassidish and the pressure and standards are really very, very high where I live.

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amother

Tan

Sun, Jan 03 2021, 8:13 am

I live in Toronto. It’s an extremely rich, expensive community, but not competitive...

southernbubby

Sun, Jan 03 2021, 8:25 am

Really small communities that need everyone are probably the least competitive when it comes to materialism and inclusion. In larger communities, such as Cleveland ( where I lived from 1981 to 1990) there are a variety of social circles of different financial means so it may be a matter of finding the right group of friends.
Schools, however, sometimes come to the mistaken conclusion that parents have lots of money to fork over for trips, gifts for teachers, class parties, etc. I don't know how much the current situation has impacted that in various places but schools demanding money that parents don't have makes people feel excluded. There will probably always be people who choose friends based on their wealth.
I also feel that people have to work on themselves to accept and be proud of who they are rather than to allow the negativity of others to cause insecurity. One set of mechutanim became frum with a group of friends who have been together for decades and have strengthened each other so that they feel very comfortable with themselves and their values.

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mha3484

Sun, Jan 03 2021, 9:00 am

I’m in chicago there is a lot of space to find your crowd. There are tons of yeshivish baaeli teshuvos and people are super chilled here.

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amother

Cerulean

Sun, Jan 03 2021, 10:13 am

The mill basin community in Brooklyn is great! No materialistic pressure at all.

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amother

Emerald

Sun, Jan 03 2021, 10:15 am

Baltimore

amother

Seafoam

Sun, Jan 03 2021, 10:19 am

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

The mill basin community in Brooklyn is great! No materialistic pressure at all.

LOL funny I live in Brooklyn too and was going to say we have no materialistic pressure here. I think most of those ppl moved out lol. And I send to one of the "fancy" schools... dd tells me her friends have the exact same dresses as her, all from Target.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sun, Jan 03 2021, 10:24 am

Baltimore! Hands down.
Love it here! No competition in any way. At least not that I have seen in almost 20years of living here. Lots of yeshivish BTs. Many have a simpler lifestyle. There is really no keeping up with the Joneses

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