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L'chaim
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 6:36 pm
My child is getting engaged soon iy"H

I really have no idea what to do about a l'chaim.

I'm not comfortable hosting any large gatherings.

But the community has moved on and doesn't care. People get angry and resentful if you even mention the word COVID.

I'm a healthcare worker and I feel that by hosting an event I'm going against all the advice we give to other people.

But I'm not the only one making decisions here.

I guess technically I could stay outside (if it's not below zero)? Hold it in a relative's house and limit attendance?

What else do people do?

(Yes, I'm aware that you don't NEED to have an engagement party at all. Trust me, I'd be happy if everyone agreed just not to make anything.)
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 6:38 pm
Who cares what the community thinks? This is your simcha, and you call the shots.
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 6:43 pm
It's interesting because on Vosizneias today, a doctor named David Berman addresses the need to cut crowd sizes for safety reasons but often one side of the shidduch won't agree to a smaller affair.
One idea that I can suggest is to rent a bigger hall so that it won't be crowded and social distance will at least be possible. Maybe outdoor tents with heaters would work.
Mazal tov on your simcha and hopefully all will work out!
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amother
Tan


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 6:43 pm
Can you do just the parents, siblings, and couple for both sides?
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 6:43 pm
I"m not worried about what the community thinks.
The problem is that the rest of the family is not on the same page.
I'm already feeling stressed over it.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 6:44 pm
amother [ Tan ] wrote:
Can you do just the parents, siblings, and couple for both sides?


I would love to do that. I just need to get everyone else on board.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 6:50 pm
My friend just made a lechaim.
It was outside in her cul-de-sac. She had heat lamps and all the food/drink was to go. She gave people staggered times to come so it wasn’t crowded. Everyone wore masks. It was lovely and socially responsible.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 6:50 pm
southernbubby wrote:
It's interesting because on Vosizneias today, a doctor named David Berman addresses the need to cut crowd sizes for safety reasons but often one side of the shidduch won't agree to a smaller affair.
One idea that I can suggest is to rent a bigger hall so that it won't be crowded and social distance will at least be possible. Maybe outdoor tents with heaters would work.
Mazal tov on your simcha and hopefully all will work out!


This is a good article. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

https://vosizneias.com/2020/12.....chas/
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happy12




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 6:53 pm
Do the engaged mid morning and say you are skipping making a vort.
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 6:55 pm
Is it work rules you must follow? they would have to accept and understand that even if they don't agree or get it

mazel tov!

only simchos!
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 6:57 pm
“Vote” with your pocketbook.

Make the simchah you feel is appropriate for your family at this time.

IYH soon we will be making grand Simchas in good health in yerushalayim with moshiach.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 6:58 pm
amother [ Ecru ] wrote:
Is it work rules you must follow? they would have to accept and understand that even if they don't agree or get it

mazel tov!

only simchos!


Yes, I think this is what I have to do.

Sit down with everyone, tell them point blank that these are the rules I must follow and it's not really an option.

If they feel they must make a big event it won't include me.

Any tips on having this conversation in the most productive and drama-free manner possible?

(It's possible there won't be drama, I haven't met their parents yet.)
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 7:16 pm
While many communities have moved on, IME they respect the requirements of health care workers. I would stress that angle.

Personally, I'm a fan of the outdoor tents with heaters. I would think about a two-tiered simchah. For the first half hour or hour, just parents, grandparents and siblings (this helps the grandparents too.) Then, everyone else is invited. As needed, you can take up a perch in a corner of the yard, or a side room, people can be told that because you're a health car worker, they can come say hi from a determined distance- maybe the doorway of the room you're in.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 7:21 pm
As a healthcare worker, I always take the approach of I am potentially exposed every day, and I don’t want to make other people sick, so stay away from me.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 7:25 pm
amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:
Who cares what the community thinks? This is your simcha, and you call the shots.


She doesn't live in a bubble, and it's not her simcha along. Her dh might believe differently than her, and it's his simcha too. Her (adult) child is engaged, to an adult from another family. It's their simcha too (perhaps mainly). The mechutanim might have different views and it's certainly their simcha too. At this point, with communities all over (jews and non jews alike) mixing and mingling for the holidays, for school, etc, it might not be worth taking a stand and potentially ruining a shidduch and a simcha.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 7:27 pm
amother [ Blue ] wrote:
She doesn't live in a bubble, and it's not her simcha along. Her dh might believe differently than her, and it's his simcha too. Her (adult) child is engaged, to an adult from another family. It's their simcha too (perhaps mainly). The mechutanim might have different views and it's certainly their simcha too. At this point, with communities all over (jews and non jews alike) mixing and mingling for the holidays, for school, etc, it might not be worth taking a stand and potentially ruining a shidduch and a simcha.


Op wrote:
But the community has moved on and doesn't care. People get angry and resentful if you even mention the word COVID.

And I'm saying the community should have no say or influence. The baalei simcha do.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 7:35 pm
OP - please discuss this amiably with your mechutanim, make sure to hear them out before saying what you can and cannot do. Although I'm very for keeping the rules, this isn't something to make a fight over either. See what they want and then compromise a little if you need to.

Also, make sure your daughter is on completely on board with your plans as well.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 8:06 pm
If you’re saying Lchaim then it’s possible you may be a Lubavitcher. What we recently did was both families went to the Ohel and came back to our house to do a small brunch/say lchaim. (There is even a room adjacent to the Ohel to do that, if you plan enough in advance.) This is a general trend to do this kind of mini event for only close family and maybe a few friends. Our machatonim were not comfortable coming to the lchaim, so they didn’t. We were fine with that. Nobody blinked twice. People asked where they were but it wasn’t a big deal-we totally understood that they didn’t want to be exposed. They are older, more vulnerable, and hadn’t had Covid, Bh. We already were sick. If you are comfortable with where you stand then everyone else is fine too. Do you.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 8:17 pm
A lot of people in my community are doing outdoors with heaters (and usually masks as well). Is that an option?
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 27 2020, 9:40 pm
OP, mazel tov! May you enjoy every step of the simcha b'simcha.
Don't worry about the community. Work with the choson, kallah, and parents.
I do wonder though if your being in the middle field gives you a convenient out. like this is my professional standards so I'm stuck with them.
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