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Did your husband’s personality improve when you had children

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 12:08 am
Question in subject title
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amother




Cyan
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 12:09 am
Improve in what way?
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amother




Silver
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 12:11 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Question in subject title


Combination of being a dad and simply maturing with age helped
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 12:47 am
amother [ Cyan ] wrote:
Improve in what way?


I guess I mean did you like your husband more as a person after you had kids? Like did certain issues or qualms you had about his personality change?
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Rappel




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 12:56 am
No. His essential personality did not change. Any improvements were already there in potential.
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Teomima




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 1:01 am
My husband's deteriorated. On one hand, he's grown and matured with time, irrelevant to when we had kids. And as our kids get older, I see him growing and improving as a father. But he has mental health issues that make it very difficult for him to cope with having children and the patience and selflessness they require.
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amother




Forestgreen
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 1:05 am
Teomima wrote:
My husband's deteriorated. On one hand, he's grown and matured with time, irrelevant to when we had kids. And as our kids get older, I see him growing and improving as a father. But he has mental health issues that make it very difficult for him to cope with having children and the patience and selflessness they require.


my husband's issues (he grew up without a father) are definitely being tested by our children. he also watched his younger brother completely rule his mother and step father, so he gets very controlling with my kids to not allow this to happen.
he's a great father, crazy caring, and in some ways more devoted than me (he'll sit with a feverish child for hours, rub their forehead with a washcloth- basically everything his father didn't do for him!!)
but he'll definitely get triggered and get his buttons pushed- I never ever saw that before we had kids, he was always so even tempered and calm....
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amother




Sapphire
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 1:28 am
No.
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amother




Tan
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 2:14 am
Yes. It probably came together with general maturing, we were young when we got married.

Parenting made both of us more responsible and more patient, more kind.
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amother




Mustard
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 4:02 am
No and if you are hoping that by having children with him, things will improve- please don't do that to yourself or your children
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amother




Copper
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 5:34 am
Teomima wrote:
My husband's deteriorated. On one hand, he's grown and matured with time, irrelevant to when we had kids. And as our kids get older, I see him growing and improving as a father. But he has mental health issues that make it very difficult for him to cope with having children and the patience and selflessness they require.
Exactly the same. My husband was diagnosed with mental health issues a short time before our first was born. And I see that adding a child to the marriage has definitely made his issues much worse than without.
He tries to be better but it is extremely hard for him. Its a struggle each day.
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amother




Cerulean
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 7:42 am
No. He was abusive to me then I was shocked to see he was abusive the the children as well. I thought I'll suffer through my life but didn't realize he'll be the same to the kids. BH later divorced.

Now I question myself if he changed for his second wife. Of course he didn't but they seem happy.
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amother




Periwinkle
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 7:55 am
No and he is in power struggles with all of them. Improving has to be a conscious choice not something that happens with children. Same for women and mothers.
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amother




Lilac
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 8:17 am
Np
He struggles with his temper
He's great with newborns but the 3 year old oppositional stage and onward tests his limits.
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amother




Orange
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 8:31 am
I don’t know anyone’s personality who got better with a newborn around. If anything most people’s personality gets worse. Sleeplessness, big change in the family dynamic, marital dynamic, lots of new expenses. Having children is hard
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amother




Blush
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 9:21 am
It often softens their hearts to have a baby around.
Definitely doesn’t take away the underlying problem but you can see a good side of a difficult man for a while.
Another thing is that when you have children you just get busy with things and don’t have the time to focus so much on things between you which can take away a lot of bickering time spent. For example, my dh can say something which I could find hurtful and wrong but I have to to homework with the kids, get them into bed so the arguing and hurt has no time and place as it would have if it would only be us without kids.
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amother




Hotpink
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 9:23 am
You can’t improve perfection, now can you? Wink
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 1:17 pm
Yes DH's personality improved. But not right away. Same with mine. I think that's the way it is supposed to work.

Parenting brings out the worst in me and in DH. Which is the point. We weren't sent into the world to excel at everything. We were sent here to fix things.

You don't work on your patience by sitting on the couch drinking coffee. You work on it by losing it at your toddler who is painstakingly eating her cereal cheerio by cheerio, and then taking a deep breath, apologizing, and trying again.

You don't work on your anger by reading the paper. You work on it by having your pre-teen speak to you in a chutzpadik way, yelling at him, then remembering that you are the parent. And then the next time he does it, you don't explode right away.

Same with most good things.

I read a story in one of Arush's books that made a strong impression on me: A good-hearted bachelor passed away at a ripe old age. When he came to Heaven he was sentenced promptly to Gehinnom. Shocked, he asked why. They told him he was being punished for his temper. "But I was kind and good to everyone, I never lost my temper!" No, they told him. "You DID have a terrible temper. But you never married, you never had children, you always put yourself in calm situations. So you never needed to work on your anger, and fooled yourself into thinking it was not there at all."

So after discovering what terrible tempers we have, how uncaring we are, how callous and impatient and selfish, we have worked on all of the above.

Yes, on the surface DH may have seemed gentler, calmer before. But now his gentleness and calmness is real and earned, and he keeps that equanimity in pretty trying circumstances. That's one of the things parenting gives you.
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