Can you give teens consequences

amother

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 6:06 am

I have a 13 year old who is a very good kid but I guess due to my not setting good boundaries with him when he was young still tests boundaries with me. He is generally well behaved and a star student in school however he has a hard time hearing and accepting a no. He has been pestering me for weeks now for a coat. I told him no, he doesn't stop asking me and is complaining why I bought my 9 year old a headband if he can't get a coat. I've told him it's not in our budget now. He will not stop bothering me about this. What do you do.I've explained calmy, but still doesn't stop. I've tried to set bouundary,if you keep asking I will leave room. But what more can I do?

Also I took dina friedman class a few years ago and followed her style, can't remember what she would say regarding disciplining teens. Can anyone remind me?

imasinger

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 6:57 am

Is there any way he can earn money to buy what he wants? If so, it would be great for you to encourage him to solve his own problems.

Teens are different from younger kids. Of course you can still have consequences, but they need to be age and stage appropriate.

If a toddler whines for a toy, you're not going to solve anything with a lengthy conversation; you distract them.

Teens need and deserve the conversation. Hearing them out is vital! Why does he feel so strongly about the coat? Is he wearing something different from everyone else? Does he feel comfortable and confident in his social status? Are you tuned in to boyswear fashion; does the right coat matter to him as much as a new headband might to a 9 year old girl, and that's why he's comparing them, despite the difference in cost? Does he have friends? Does he have a coat at all? Is he cold in the winter, and spending time outside shivering?

Just even knowing that you care to listen is half of what drives a lot of teen nagging. They converse when and how they're ready, and otherwise can be very private, so a wise mother looks for those cues.

Is the coat worth more to him than something else you might be spending on? Would be be willing to give up something else in order to save for it? As I asked before, can he earn money for it? Can he find something secondhand? Can you help him with that?

Teens should be educated about your family's values. Hold general conversations around them about how people make different choices about how they devote their time and money, and explain frequently why you do what you do.

Is he aware in more depth about your family finances? He doesn't need to know every detail, but he should be able to absorb, "With Covid shutting things down/Totty in kollel/whatever he can understand, we don't have much money to spend on extras." When my older kids were teens, one day, I made a pie chart to show them where our money went. They didn't have to know the amounts, but it let them see a bigger picture. We also talk frequently about the evils of credit card debt.

Someday, he'll be an adult, and he needs to learn these things. Listen and teach, and offer him ideas to solve his own problems instead of depending on you. That's a standard approach to teen parenting.

amother

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 8:15 am

TYSM - yes I do encourage him to make money but he is in school all day- very little opportunity to exercise an entrepreneurial spirit. We talk about our values and he is kind of onboard. This is more about him not taking no for an answer. I discuss this with him too. He has a coat, he wants a different type of coat - his coat is warm and fine but he wants a certain fancier coat which I cannot buy him. I understand consequences should be different from kids but I am confused as to what would be a good consequence for this behavior?

amother

Natural

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 8:22 am

He is your oldest? The case you describe natural consequence is best- he asked you answered and that’s it- validate his feelings, tell him you wish you could, if he can earn it great, if not then not. and refuse to discuss further. Hold your boundary on not discussing it anymore no means no. Rinse and repeat don’t enter conversation about it. He sounds like an awesome kid B”H
Signed: mother of many marrieds Smile

B”H

Zehava

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 8:25 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Just to clarify- I feel that he actually does need a consequence- we have a very good relationship. I believe it stems from when he was little and I would try to not say no to him. He always had a hard time with no and consequences. How do I give a teenager a consequence?

A consequence for what exactly? For asking? You say you have a good relationship, well a consequence is a sure fire way to change that real quick.

amother

White

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 8:28 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Again, I don't have any teens yet.

But IMO he what would be most helpful is not giving a consequence and instead waiting until a time when you are both calm and happy and bringing up the subject in a casual way of "in life, people will always be told "no", and a healthy and successful person knows how to take "no" in a healthy manner" -- without suggesting that he himself doesn't know how to take "no" -- that way he doesn't feel criticized.

You could make up scenerios like "a man in the store yelled at another customer who wouldn't let him pass him in line... What do you think that man should have done instead of yelling?"...

amother

Ecru

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 8:37 am

I had same issue with my teens. They both were demanding an expensive coat , they actually wanted it since their bar mitzva now they're older. But we didnt give in until this year . We bought the cheaper coat last year and they just lost it last year which was very upsetting, I couldn't let them go around without a coat so had to get them so we bought on sale. We warned them it has to last them for atleast 2 years if not 3 . In your case he does have a coat he just wants a fancier one? Then tell him that next time he will need a coat will look into it and maybe you can wait for sale when he needs it .

keym

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 8:45 am

In general, teens can and should get consequences of the natural or at least very closely related nature.
You missed your bus? You come late or you pay the Uber. That kind.
In this case, I don't think an actual consequence is necessary.
You made a decision, you said no. If he asks again, you keep saying no.
You might want to say something about how you see how much he wants this, so it's on the top of your "wish list" you know. In case you win the lottery. But if he continues to pester you even after you said no clearly, maybe something else will go at the top of the list. But that would really depend on your relationship.

Also, in general it might be worth having some real conversations. My teen really wanted a certain kind of shoe and I kept saying it wasn't in the budget. Turns out he was more than happy to get cheaper shirts, pants, and goodwill PJs. He just really wanted those shoes. It was a fair consequence.

amother

Pewter

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 8:55 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Why does he deserve a consequence for this behavior??? Just keep saying no or "we discussed it already" and go on. This doesn't warrant a consequence for a teen. A consequence has to make sense according to the action.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 9:50 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Maybe validate him.
13 yr olds can have consequences but not for this. He wants something very badly. Recognize that. Put aside your financial worries, guilt, or whatever just for a moment and be there with him in that place. In his place where he wants something very badly. Can you feel what he feels? Tell him that you can. Commiserate.

And only then comes the problem solving. You can't afford that one but maybe there's a cheaper one you can afford. Or maybe he has chanuka gelt to spend. Or maybe say you will try for next winter.

How would you feel if you wanted something so so badly and you got punished for it? Why put distance between him and you? Use the opportunity for connection instead.

(My teens also want a shabbos coat that I can't afford. My 15 yr old wants one very badly, he says he feels like a baby in his regular winter coat on shabbos.)

ra_mom

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 9:59 am

Sit down with him and have a real conversation. Find out why the coat is so important to him. You never know what a deep dive might bring out. Maybe he is getting picked on. Maybe that doesn't change what you can do because of your pocketbook. But you can step into his shoes and really feel what he's feeling. You'll be able to empathize with him. And maybe he can brainstorm and problem solve with you even without you getting him that new coat.
Just really communicate, find out what's really going on, and empathize.

SixOfWands

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 10:40 am

Imasinger said it so well, I fear I'm going to parrot her.

Make sure he feels heard. You keep telling me you need a coat. Tell me why you feel you need it.

Explain finances. Yes, I bought your sister a hairband for $10, and your brother a pair of gloves for $12. Our budget has room for little things like that, and if that's what you were asking for, I'd absolutely find a way. But while the hairband was $10, the coat you're asking for is $175. We need to plan for an expense like that in advance, unless its an emergency, and know that we don't buy every year.

Get to yes. Since you feel so strongly, we're going to budget to get you one next fall, especially since if we buy you one now, it probably won't fit then. But you need to do your part too by helping us out. (Eg, we're saving for your coat, do you really need a second pair of gloves, or should we put that toward the coat.)

Also be open to the possibility he really needs it. Eg, "well, last year I took the school bus to and from school, so I wasn't outside all that much. This year I take the city bus. So I have to walk 3 blocks to the bus, and sometimes wait 20 minutes at night before it comes. This coat was warm enough last year, but not now."

imasinger

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 11:31 am

I don't get it.

Your DS is B"H close to you, doing well in school, and in general a decent kid, yet you think somehow you spoiled him by not saying no to him or punishing him more when he was younger?

Spoiled kids are brats. They want everything, and have little consideration for others.

Your kid sounds like a mensch who wants an expensive coat, and deserves more of an answer than, "we can't afford it, now stop asking because I said so."

Why would you want to punish him?

Chinuch is education. How about if instead, you say, with kindness and love, "I hear that this coat is really important to you, but it's counterproductive to keep nagging and complaining for something once someone has said no. I'll tell you what, if you can go two weeks without mentioning it, I'll set a time at the end of the two weeks to listen to you and brainstorm together about it."

amother

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 11:34 am

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

B”H

yes

he is my oldest. I totally hear the natural consequence. Problem is he literally does not give up. I of course would not buy him the coat at this point because I said no and am sticking to the boundary. But when I say he won't give up - he is talking about this since chanuka on an almost daily basis. He cannot hear no. He is an awesome kid but if there is a boundary that he is not happy with he will literally not give up.

Zehava

Mon, Dec 28 2020, 11:35 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

yes

That is a great quality to have. His persistence will take him far in life. It’s annoying at the moment but keep that in mind. And persistence is not a punishable offense.