We didn’t give a wedding present

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 12:15 am

I was in a tight spot somehow. Regardless I was stupid. I’m so embarrassed. It’s a Friend but not close at all. We didn’t stay for the meal. We sent back the rsvp only chupa and shmorg. It’s already over a year. Wwyd.

flowerpower

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 12:27 am

Skip it. Move on.

amother

Plum

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 1:40 am

Nothing. There is no obligation to give a gift. They invited you for your company, because your presence would enhance their simcha.

Some argue that it's mentchlich to give the plate cost if you are at the meal (debatable), but in your case that's not applicable anyhow.

A small percentage of guests at my wedding gave gifts, and I don't look at our friendships any differently. I saw that they were happy for my simcha, and that's what counts!

amother

Cyan

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 2:48 am

I have not given wedding gifts a number of times when we really couldn't afford it. We're in Israel so maybe it's a little bit more acceptable. You didn't stay for the dinner I don't even see a question! You should just move on with your life.

amother

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 3:03 pm

I just feel (I live in LA) it’s considered here very rude.

paperflowers

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 3:10 pm

I would just forget about it with no guilt at all. I didn’t know sending an invitation was code for “give me presents” until I joined Imamother. It may be an age thing. If you want to get a gift I’m sure the couple won’t be upset about a check even a year later.

singleagain

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 3:11 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I just feel (I live in LA) it’s considered here very rude.

If you feel it's rude. You can always send a token gift. Even a year later.

I remember somebody saw me about a year after I got married and said "oh I still have your wedding gift it's sitting in my hallway" and I actually told them "you can keep it or return it I'm getting divorced"

I don't think more than a year out is incredibly rude In fact it'll probably be really nice for them to get something

amother

Ginger

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 3:34 pm

We got a $36 check two or three years later. Was such a fun treat!

amother

Vermilion

Fri, Jan 01 2021, 1:55 pm

I don't think there's much you can do more than a year later. Bringing it up to talk about it or giving something will only make it worse. Maybe when they have a baby you can give an extra nice gift at that point.

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Jan 01 2021, 2:58 pm

If you really want to give them something, you can give them an anniversary gift since the wedding was about a year ago. It’s a way to still take part in the simcha retroactively :-)

amother

Orchid

Sat, Jan 02 2021, 6:47 pm

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

You’re wrong. I’ve gotten gifts much later and it’s always a nice surprise and appreciated that the person remembered. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you made a mistake and had realized you never did send off the gift and would like to do so now.
I think it’s much, much worse to not give anything at all. The hosts pay to invite and have you as their guest. It’s only mentshlich to give something, even if it’s a small token