Do kids respect their parents less if they see them nap?

dankbar

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 5:50 am

What are you afraid of? Your kids will view you as weak? Depressed? Lazy good for nothing? Hear your snoring?

If they know parent is doing night shift, they can get an explanation how you fill your sleeping hours during day, if they question; "how come we always see you sleeping?"

Definitely go into your room so you can actually sleep in peace & quiet, and that makes it official too so your kids know to respect it, and not disturb you.

I hate when my husband takes a shabbos afternoon nap on couch where my kids are playing and gets annoyed from the noise. I always tell him to go to bed so he doesn't get disturbed but for a short nap, he doesn't want to get into a deep sleep so he can go to shul.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 5:57 am

When DD was little, she preferred me to nap on the couch. That way she could play quietly next to me, and feel that I was present.

When she got older, I would go into my room and nap, in case any of her friends dropped by. I didn't want to be embarrassed, or to embarrass her.

I know a couple of families, where on Shabbos EVERYONE, regardless of age, was expected to nap or at least be quiet for two hours after lunch. No exceptions. Obviously adult children would go out, but everyone else had to stay in and get some rest, especially in the summer when havdallah was so late.

People just knew not to knock on their doors during those hours. No one could come over to play, no one coming over for coffee and cake, no schmoozing. Nap time was sacred!

One of those families was the rosh kollel. I'm pretty sure he was well respected.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 6:00 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I never said it wasn't ok, I was just asking other people what they thought

But why would you connect napping with respect? I dont think most people connect those two together.

Aylat

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 6:04 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Ditto and ditto.

LittleRed

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 7:49 am

I don't think this is such a crazy question, it's just where most of us are coming from. For a family that is formal with a more traditional idea of what it means to be respectable and dignified, I would think that a parent napping on the couch would breach etiquette. Trust me, my kids have seen me fall asleep on the floor more often than not, come in my room all the time and we are very American with grandparents playing on the floor with babies etc but I do see why someone could see it as not being proper. In my opinion, it's just cultural. I had a friend who's mother would never crouch on the floor to zip up coats or tie shoes, she would have been shocked at a grown woman kneeling in front of the kids on the ground. Kids got on a chair or step so she could reach them. This feels like a very European thing. To answer the Op's original question, I don't think there's a problem with it but if in your house you would be uncomfortable if your kids heard you snoring or saw you dozing with your mouth open/looking a little disheveled, go to your room and sleep.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 7:54 am

Teomima wrote:

Speak for yourself. I've spent years unable to go to the bathroom alone while I've had little children, and even with my not-so-little daughters there have been times we've had to share the stall in public bathrooms.

This. Except mine are sons lol. Obviously, at a certain age I make sure I am covered, but they are still in there with me. My five year old sees me use the bathroom plenty.

amother

Magenta

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 7:55 am

I think this is coming from the thread about the newlywed who fears she married the wrong person. Who’s husband is warm kind and considerate but goes to work at 4:30 am and naps and she questions her respect for him napping as she never saw her father nap during the day.

amother

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 7:55 am

imaima wrote:

OP is askinng as if she herself does not have parents. OP did you respect your parents less when they napped? Have they napped?

The idea is just bizarre.
I don't think it is necessary to nap in the living room on the couch if you can help it, but napping in general should not influence respect.
There is also halacha to protect other people's sleep and there are stories of righteous people, who would not disturb their parents' sleep and got reward for that.

My parents were so dysfunctional that it's very hard for me to pick certain things apart and say "this contributed to the problem".

amother

Copper

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 7:58 am

As a child I hated the dozing at the table and nodding off on the couch in middle of the afternoon but it had everything to do with adults being emotionally checked out and unavailable, not just then, and did have no impact on respect. I am a big believer in living with intent so I like planned naps in the bedroom. But living room happens out of exhaustion still sometimes.

amother

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 8:04 am

I also noticed that when people complain about their parents, if they are giving a long list of complaints and not just a big one, then something like "napped all the time" will often make the list.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 8:08 am

Op I'm going to be one of those that understands where your coming from. My husband grew up in a home where he saw his father conk out wherever he was. Shsbbos table, couch, kitchen bench. And he would sleep for hours without any cheshbon. That I find disturbing and not respectful. My husband saw that growing up and thought thats "normal " and followed in his father's footsteps. I would find him with his head down on the kitchen table late at night. Or at 3am sprawled on the couch......he would lose himself entirely. Yes I had an issue with it, I dont have an issue with a cat nap however completely losing oneself what kind of example is that for the kids and yes I agree its not respectful.

silverlining3

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 8:52 am

Conking out wherever and napping on couch is 2 different things.

My father napped every single day, (after a full day out at work) in his bed, after supper before going out davening maariv. But the door was never locked, and we were allowed in if needed.
My mother napped Friday night. She didn't wanna sleep a real sleep so stayed on couch. Rarely went to bed.

I never thought of respecting them more or less because they do or don't nap. I was just happy they got rest.

amother

Sapphire

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 9:13 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My parents were so dysfunctional that it's very hard for me to pick certain things apart and say "this contributed to the problem".

There your answer.

amother

Crimson

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 9:14 am

My parents are very respected people in my community.

All throughout my childhood my father used to conk out on the couch or head down on the Shabbos table.

He used to get pretty annoyed if we made noise Shabbos afternoon when he was napping on the couch. The children in turn used to try and play quietly but because we were a large bunch it would still be noisy and he would tell us off and we would get upset.

Until today when I come visit with my baby on a regular afternoon, in the middle of all the chatting he'll turn the lights off and fall asleep on the couch. And I'm left hanging. My kid is not used to it and doesn't understand to be quiet if it's not a bedroom.

To be fair, he does wake up very early and I suppose he doesn't want to take a proper nap in bed where it's hard to tear yourself away.

But I don't understand why he cant nap in bed on shabbos. He has a spare few hours so why bother the kids. It's unfair to expect this if them every single week.

So It wasn't the actual napping, it was the inconsideration that makes me respect him less when I see him do it.

ShishKabob

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 11:13 am

Crimson, maybe he couldn't fall asleep in bed and was so grateful that he was able to fall asleep on the couch. I think being dan lkaf zchus a parent only brings good, not the other way around.

amother

Oak

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 11:15 am

baby12x wrote:

Nothing wrong with seeing a parent nap.

One thing I hate (my father did this and I see other parents do this) is napping on the couch and expecting quiet or not to be disturbed. If you want quiet go to a closed room.

I disagree. Being quiet when someone is sleeping is a normal part of chinuch.

Amarante

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 11:16 am

Why wouldn't it be appropriate to see their parents are human. Taking a nap on the couch is standard for many people. If it weren't there wouldn't be throws that are left on couches. Smile

Actually going into bedroom and taking a nap on the bed is something that requires an extra level of determination versus stretching out on the sofa - relaxing - and slipping blissfully into s short bit of sleep. Smile

honeymoon

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 11:23 am

amother [ Ginger ] wrote:

Conking out whenever, wherever, may indicate a medical problem which should be checked out. He may have a sleep disorder. Just throwing it out there.

Zehava

Wed, Dec 30 2020, 11:26 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If a parent is going to nap (or sleep during the day because they work night shift, etc), should they be makpid to only sleep in their room with the door closed and kids forbidden to enter?

Or do you think it's okay for a parent to take a nap/sleep on the couch in the living room when kids are home? Or would that be likely to make the kids respect the parent less?

All opinions welcome, especially if you saw your own parents sleeping, how did that influence how you thought of them?

Um what? Parents aren’t principals. Ofcourse my kids see me sleeping. I don’t lock them out of my room unless I’m naked. My youngest climbs into our beds during the night. The older ones come in in the morning.