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My daughter's teacher just called
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Dec 30 2020, 5:28 pm
Apparently the principal has been getting calls from parents that my daughter is trying to get their kids to misbehave because they want to get rid of the teacher.

I'm in shock here. First of all I thought my daughter was ok with the teacher. She complained the whole beginning of the year that other girls didn't behave... Maybe they rubbed off on her? My daughter is so not socially savvy she's more of a follower, maybe she's trying to act up here to move up on the social ladder?

I started asking her, told her the teacher called and is she unhappy in class, and she said, yeah, she's such an idiot and so crazy and - I stopped her and said I have to finish putting kids to bed we'll talk later. I NEVER heard her talk like this before.

Please guide me how to have this conversation!!
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amother




Olive
 

Post Wed, Dec 30 2020, 5:31 pm
I'm not saying this is the case, but sometimes when a child is misbehaving he'll come home and tell a parent that another kid was doing xyz. So it's possible that in the beginning of the year she was really part of it and making it sound like only the other girls were doing it. Alternatively, if she's not socially savvy, she may be doing it to get attention from the other girls.
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amother




Aquamarine
 

Post Wed, Dec 30 2020, 5:31 pm
how old is your daughter?
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amother




Seafoam
 

Post Wed, Dec 30 2020, 5:35 pm
For years I thought my son was a follower and not a leader. He just didn't seem like a popular it with it kid. Turns out he was quite the ring leader and master of mischief.

I'm still actively working with him on learning how to respect his teachers even if they aren't his favorite teacher ever. I'm also working with him on being a leader like we have in the Torah, not the leaders that are on CNN.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Dec 30 2020, 5:36 pm
amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:
how old is your daughter?

11
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amother




Pearl
 

Post Wed, Dec 30 2020, 5:57 pm
Ok. Firstly, do we know how the teacher treats her students? Is she mean? If not, my gut feeling here there needs to be some kind of intervention for this behavior including you and including the principal. Like an official meeting with an explanation for how her behaviors are affecting others, what the consequences for continued behavior will be and also an apology. She has to know that this bullying is not going to be tolerated. This is not just a conversation between you and her.

If you know that there are any other things going on in her life such as a family loss, divorce, abuse, that could explain this behavior, she might benefit from some therapy.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 30 2020, 6:59 pm
First tell your daughter that you hear the girls were making trouble for the teacher
and ask her to tell you about it.

Ask her if she was making trouble.

Ask her if she was telling the girls to make trouble.

Problem is, she will probably deny it even if it true.

But if the Teacher says that your DD was making trouble I would believe teacher.
But still doesn't mean that your DD was the ringleader.

Tell her the girls have been telling their parents that your DD is telling them to make trouble.

It is possible that the other girls decided to falsely accuse your DD of being the ringleader
in order to protect themselves.
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amother




Seagreen
 

Post Wed, Dec 30 2020, 7:14 pm
Honestly even if she's not the ring leader, I'd be so sad if my daughter called her teacher an idiot and crazy. It shows how little respect she has for another human being and how little she cares to be respectful and kind. Also sometimes kids act very differently with friends than when alone with family. It could be that while at home she doesn't act disrespectful, at school she is a different kind of kid with her friends. Come up with consequences with the teacher so you both can be on top of the behavior and let your daughter know what those consequences will be. Also a good middos talk about treating others nicely and with kindness regardless of what other kids are doing might be important too.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Dec 30 2020, 7:31 pm
Just had a whole discussion with my daughter. She told me why she feels unfairly treated by the teacher. I called back the teacher and told her, and the teacher acknowledged that she (teacher) was wrong in both situations. So hopefully that will improve.
As far as telling others to make trouble, what she did do was repeat a story to some girls about a teacher in a different school who quit because of the class's behavior, so maybe their teacher would quit if girls make trouble.
I don't believe she actively told anyone to do anything specific. So BH for that.
But yes I'm feeling awful about the way she speaks and feels about her teacher. I think she's trying to be cool and picking up things from her friends Sad
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 30 2020, 7:34 pm
Thanks for sharing, OP.

I think you should give your DD some guidance on what to do if she feels mistreated by
a teacher, as this was not the right way.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 30 2020, 7:36 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Just had a whole discussion with my daughter. She told me why she feels unfairly treated by the teacher. I called back the teacher and told her, and the teacher acknowledged that she (teacher) was wrong in both situations. So hopefully that will improve.
As far as telling others to make trouble, what she did do was repeat a story to some girls about a teacher in a different school who quit because of the class's behavior, so maybe their teacher would quit if girls make trouble.
I don't believe she actively told anyone to do anything specific. So BH for that.
But yes I'm feeling awful about the way she speaks and feels about her teacher. I think she's trying to be cool and picking up things from her friends Sad

I see it as your daughter in pain. It’s hurt and anger that is pouring out of her. I had the same thing when I was 11. My teacher treated me badly and instead of telling my mother I tried to get the entire class to gang up on the teacher because I was so hurt and felt a strong need for revenge.
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amother




Teal
 

Post Wed, Dec 30 2020, 7:39 pm
Hugs, op
My 11 yr old also comes home telling me how mean and unfair her teachers are. I've just been shrugging it off
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amother




Cerulean
 

Post Wed, Dec 30 2020, 8:49 pm
11 year olds are kids, don't think your dd is a bad kid. She's still learning.

Kids don't act up for no reason and this was the only way your dd knew how to ask for help about a teacher treating her unfairly.

It's important to have an open communication with her so she always feels comfortable telling you anything and that she's confidant that if she feels that way again she has your support.

It was really good that you called the teacher so that she and dd can be more respectful of each other.
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cinderella22




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Dec 31 2020, 2:17 am
Maybe tell her that she should feel comfortable to discuss with you, because there is a protocol to dealing with student-teacher tension. The most effective way for her to solve her problem is by communicating. Misbehaving will just make the teacher dislike her, which will exacerbate the issue.

It's great to validate her feelings. It's also great to model for her how to converse with people when we've been wronged, and how to move forward peacefully.
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amother




Violet
 

Post Thu, Dec 31 2020, 5:19 am
Don’t make any assumptions talk to your Dd non judgmentally
Hatzlocha
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Dec 31 2020, 7:17 am
amother [ Violet ] wrote:
Don’t make any assumptions talk to your Dd non judgmentally
Hatzlocha


This.

Don't take whatever the principal says at face value, talk to your DD and find out what her version of the events are. If someone calls me about something my child did, I say thank you for telling me, I'll speak to my child and find out what happened. (which subtly let's them know that I'm not taking their version at face value till I speak to my child.)

Remember, innocent till proven guilty....
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amother




Silver
 

Post Thu, Dec 31 2020, 7:24 am
Is there a school guidance counselor? I know of schools where they meet with all the kids once or twice a year, alone or in groups so it shouldn't be weird if your dd goes for some coaching.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Dec 31 2020, 7:36 am
11. Oy, she's a tween. Social acceptance is EVERYTHING. This is also the age when kids start to really question authority. They can tend to think that they are smarter than the grown-ups.

The teacher really sounds like she doesn't like DD. If anyone ever called my child an idiot and crazy, I would go through the roof! This doesn't mean that it's OK for your child to misbehave, though. She needs to understand that she's only making things harder for herself, and that class will be much more pleasant if she tries to get along with the teacher.

She doesn't have to love the teacher, she just needs to cooperate and do her work. She doesn't have to abandon her friend group, she just needs to tone it down and not encourage incitement.

She sounds like a very bright child, and possibly bored in class. Over the next few weeks, I'd find times to sit down with her and try to get more info, and then work out ways with her to troubleshoot her class experiences.

What she does on break with her friends may be a bit wild, but once she sets foot back in the classroom she needs to keep it together.

BTW, how old and experienced is this teacher? Is she really young, with only a few years on the job? Maybe teaching 11 year olds isn't the best class for her. Kids that age usually need a teacher who is older, more seasoned, and more in control of the class environment.

If things don't improve, you may have to move further up the chain of command, but that should be your very LAST resort. If you are going to complain about the teacher, your DD had better be a perfect angel first, or else it could backfire badly.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Dec 31 2020, 10:19 am
The teacher did not call the child crazy and an idiot.

The child called the teacher crazy and an idiot.
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SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Dec 31 2020, 11:16 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Just had a whole discussion with my daughter. She told me why she feels unfairly treated by the teacher. I called back the teacher and told her, and the teacher acknowledged that she (teacher) was wrong in both situations. So hopefully that will improve.
As far as telling others to make trouble, what she did do was repeat a story to some girls about a teacher in a different school who quit because of the class's behavior, so maybe their teacher would quit if girls make trouble.
I don't believe she actively told anyone to do anything specific. So BH for that.
But yes I'm feeling awful about the way she speaks and feels about her teacher. I think she's trying to be cool and picking up things from her friends Sad


Interesting.

While your DD phrased it as just telling a story about another incident, its certainly reasonable to believe that, particularly in a situation where your DD was in conflict with the teacher, everyone hearing it thought that she was advocating insurrection.

It is also quite likely that the other girls followed her direction, misbehaved, and their parents got calls. After talking to their daughters, they heard about your dd's story and conveyed it to the school in an effort to get their kids off. (You need to think about the fact that you're blaming her friends, while her friends' parents are blaming your DD. You're all wrong. Your tweens are responsible for their own actions.)

You need to let your DD know that her complaints about the teacher were heard, and the teacher acknowledges that she was wrong. Had your DD come to you, or gone to the teacher herself, it may have been easily resolved.

The teacher should acknowledge that to your dd.

And your dd should apologize to the teacher for what she did.

If there's a guidance counselor or school psychologist, they should guide both through this, and also to how the class goes forward.

I'd remind her that she's no longer a little kid, and she has to learn how to navigate issues such as teachers being unfair on occasion. She handled it poorly this time, let's talk about how she will handle it better in the future.

Donning my flameproof suit, I'd also tell her that she needs to demonstrate that she can act like a responsible tween with the freedoms you've given her. You're going to monitor her more closely until she demonstrates she can handle those freedoms.
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