Is it possible to spoil a child with 10 siblings?

amother

Wed, Jan 06 2021, 12:53 pm

My friend and I were having an argument about this.
She thinks it is possible to spoil a child even if the child has 10 siblings if you give them everything they want, but I think that the fact children need to share their parents and time with so many siblings means you cannot spoil them.
WDYT?

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Jan 06 2021, 1:01 pm

Just because a person doesn’t have everything you perceive them to need or want doesn’t mean you can’t spoil them. It may mean giving them all the clothes/shoes they want (in leu of attention) giving in with bedtime, treats, or cheap toys.
IMO, people are usually not spoiled with “too much love and attention” (they can be, but less likely)

Stars

Wed, Jan 06 2021, 1:05 pm

What do you consider being spoiled?
There’s no such thing as too much love but there is such a thing as letting a kid get away with too much.
a kid with a hundred billion toys and a million pairs of shoes can be a disciplined , well behaved child, and a kid who only gets one cheap gift for his birthday can be a spoiled brat.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Jan 06 2021, 1:06 pm

I'm from a family of 8. My older sister was not well as a teen. Because of that, she became very spoiled. She is a mother of a few kids, and still feels like the world revolves around her and needs to cater to her needs and comforts. She ends up manipulating those around her to get everything to go her way.
So yes, no matter family size, anyone can be raised spoiled. If they are from a larger family, those around them will just end up losing out.

amother

Crimson

Wed, Jan 06 2021, 1:08 pm

Spoiling a child doesn't mean getting more attention from the parents. I'm the 2nd of 13, we grew up spoiled. Meaning we had every new fad and style and soooo many stuff and treats. The younger kids were way more spoiled than the older one's.
There's a difference between spoiled and spoiled rotten. Spoiled rotten is when the middos and person as whole was badly affected from being too spoiled. Everything has a limit.

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Jan 06 2021, 1:11 pm

FYI, growing up, the most spoiled girl I knew was a girl who’s parents both worked very very long hours. They lived in a big house. The housekeeper said yes to everything and didn’t make her do anything (or say please) because she was not emotionally invested and it is easier to just not care. The parents bought her all the new toys and clothes to “make up” for their physical absences and show their love. She would say things like my parents love me more than your do because mine bought me x brand sneakers and your only wearing y.
She was spoiled, but not with time and attention.

(Interesting how she is now a SAHM in a smaller house)

amother

Sienna

Wed, Jan 06 2021, 1:16 pm

My youngest sister (double digit family) is so spoiled to the extent that she cannot manage regular relationships. Her marriage is a disaster. She makes enemies out of anyone and everyone who disagrees with her or says no to her. She is very difficult with a temper to match.
My mother always said you cant spoil the youngest of a large family. Eating her words now.

amother

Crimson

Wed, Jan 06 2021, 1:24 pm

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

This is a perfect example of spoiled rotten.
It's way easier to spoil the youngest of a large family. The parents often don't have the energy they used to to deal with young kids and the kids end up doing as they please.

amother

Forestgreen

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 7:06 am

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

I’m one of 13 also and if you would ask all my siblings, we would all say we were spoiled. We weren’t spoiled rotten and got everything we asked for, but we never felt lacking because of the love we were given. I’m one of the older ones and the younger ones feel the same.

Chayalle

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 9:22 am

I just want to balance out the negative posts about youngests, to say that my youngest sister, who is the youngest of 12 B"AH, is just an amazing personality. I think she just grew up with the nieces and nephews kind of being extensions of the family. She was always busy with them, playing with them and entertaining them (and sometimes getting annoyed at them because they touched all her stuff, etc...) and coming to help out whenever there was a new baby, and joining us for our trips, etc... and developed into a real all-around healthy personality B"H. Let no one be afraid now to do a shidduch with a youngest - they really might be very normal. I know my sister's in-laws adore her, and her marriage is a very happy and healthy one.

I think sometimes a child has a more challenging, stronger personality, or a more sensitive one, and raising such a child takes alot of the parents' inner strength and resources. I have a close friend who has B"AH 8 children, and she has joked to me in the past that one of them is an only child. He has different needs, and she tries hard to meet them while at the same time guiding him in the direction of good middos, emotional regulation, etc...I think she's doing a great job, but I have seen situations where such a child could develop into a more difficult person, if the parents don't make that extra effort (which is sometimes very challenging) to meet the child's needs and balance that with guiding the child (and sometimes consulting with professionals and chinuch experts for help...)

So yes, I don't think family size indicates outcome in successful chinuch of a child, and I think yes, a child from a large family can be spoiled if not guided with proper chinuch.

WitchKitty

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 9:37 am

Wondering, OP, have you ever been in a large family?
I don't know why you would say that and I was wondering.
As one of 11, I can tell you that some are more spoiled than others. Sometimes it's the oldest, sometimes the youngest, sometimes one who was the youngest for a longer time. Sometimes it's a child who has more special needs than the others.
You can spoil every child if you give in to all his wants. And although maybe your wants was attention from your parents, wants may be lots of things, like candy, a bag just like their friends, a new camera.
Or attention, like going with your parents to the store when everyone else is home.

amother

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 10:12 am

WitchKitty wrote:

Yes, I'm from a very large family and I have very many children myself. Maybe my personal experiences distorted my opinion on this.

small bean

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 10:21 am

My mother always said spoiled is not appreciating what you have. So you can give your kids everything and they are still not spoiled.

I'm from a large family and feel I grew up privileged. Good parents, shalom bayis, lots of love, care and fun.

I hope my kids feel the same when they are older. Privliged not spoiled.

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 11:39 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

I think that you can spoil a child of 10 siblings. It's very easy to spoil a child, it's not easy to be firm and raise them properly, all the more so with so many children.

exactly this. spoiled has many definitions. mothers who are overwhelmed are more likely to give into tantrums....and don't set boundaries that kids crave....
it doesn't make the child feel anymore loved...

amother

Natural

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 11:55 pm

Yes I've seen it. I've seen overwhelmed parents who never say no to their children, no punishments for bad language, no punishments for hitting other children etc. etc. The children keep pushing their boundaries to see what they can get away with. In a large family, even with no boundaries some kids still end up okay because of the responsibilities they have. Some of the kids will end up fine but some won't. Some kids will end up being bullies.