Help-My allergic dc crying bec being made fun of

amother

Wed, Jan 06 2021, 11:54 pm

My dc has numerous food allergies and because of that can not eat the food supplied in school for lunches and many times at the school functions as well (birthday parties, siyums, random treats). I send food for dc and if I know about an event in advance I try to send something dc will be able to have as an equivalent or something instead etc. As dc gets older it’s becoming harder for dc to deal with being different because of the allergies and sometimes dc comes home crying that kids made fun saying what dc was eating is gross or what not (ex: non dairy chocolate milk or dc lunch of pasta is gross). What can I say to support and strengthen dc since dc will have to deal with allergies and being different long term? How can I help dc cope?

Bluepink

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 12:09 am

No advice, so sorry, my heart goes out to your dc. Hope you can somehow figure out safe and socially acceptable foods while strengthening dc to be able to stand up to the bullies. Maybe you can talk to the teacher, there’s no reason why that should be allowed to go on. Maybe your dc can do some kind of school presentation on allergies for dc’s class and give some info, make it sound cool

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 12:19 am

I feel terrible for your dc. My ds has food allergies too.
Last week he missed out on a special treat. It’s really. Sad that you child is dealing with this.

Two ideas:
Buy a kids food allergy book (the one I like Is something like “bugs with allergies “ and have teacher read it to class. This would only work in preschool.
If older, maybe he could give a presentation? Not sure if it would help or make it worse.

2. If you’re on Facebook there are lots of food allergy group. You could post and people might have ideas.

He really should not be made fun of for a medical condition!

amother

Lavender

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 5:01 am

I don't know how old dc is, but can you check in with the teachers on whether the other kids are trying to make fun of them or not? I have kids with allergies whose friends commiserate with them with some of the same comments and it's a positive thing. Or it's just neutral. It really depends on the age, and can sometimes depend on how dc takes it. Also, does dc find the substitutes gross too?

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 5:03 am

That is horrible! How old? Did the teacher step in and correct the kids?

My kids always the food issues in school/ brought own/ cannot eat & only once did we have that problem ( it was the r.y., dont ask). And it was an awful experience for ds.

Does your son share? Bringing oversized packs and sharing made the kids look forward to even "weird" snacks, I could not believe what they were willing to eat if it was free/extra. And they said it was good.

yOungM0mmy

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 5:54 am

A few things.

A) this is absolute bullying, and has to be stopped. Where are these kids midos and being taught about inclusivity?
My son is allergic to eggs, milk, fish, nuts and sesame, and the boys, and even their parents, were always considerate of him when planning parties, teachers always provided an alternative when doing a pizza party, etc.

B) allergy friendly food does not have to be, and should not be, gross. I always made alternative cake for birthday parties - one cupcake for my son and one for the birthday boy. They were frosted or decorated with fondant or matched the theme, and the boys were always eager to see what he was getting. I provided allergy friendly blondies for dessert for shabbatons/melave malkas and all the kids drooled over them and begged for extra.

C) your son needs the confidence to deal with this for life. Here in the UK some allergy clinics run support groups for the kids so they can meet others like them and discuss issues. Or you can arrange a few sessions of private counselling to give him the tools he needs to bounce back.

Also, from your part, the woe is me attitude (I dont know if you do, but some parents do) is never helpful. This is just how life is. I also have allergies, and we deal with it. Even though he has an epipen, it's not generally life threatening, and bh we live a good (and delicious) life despite the allergies.

Last edited by yOungM0mmy on Thu, Jan 07 2021, 9:09 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Silver

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 6:04 am

so sorry op!
yes I would treat this like any "bullying"and take allergies out of the equation
talk to teacher, rebbe, mashgiach, mechaneches whoever is there to help the kids turn into menchen
role play with your child and anticipate situations
talk to the mothers of his friends and get them on board
bullying does not gain the same traction when other kids actively support the target of "bullying"
are there any snacks the kids eat that kids will like?
distribute to the class

hugs and hatzlocha

Iymnok

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 6:53 am

DD just turned 5. She asked me to make gluten free cupcakes for her whole gan. The Morah told the gan how they were special and we make a shehakol. DD was very happy to share her special food with the class. she also has a pack of GF wrapped wafers so she wont miss out on a shabbos treat.
I would think that there are so many allergies and food restrictions in our schools that kids would get it by now. DD cant bring anything with sesame (halva, hummus, etc) and my big girls cant bring peanut products into the building.
Maybe the school could take steps to normalize special diets through conversation, posters and workshops.

amother

Brown

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 10:17 pm

This is terrible I would speak to the school. My kid has intolerances and often can't have the class treat. Her class is so accepting to the point that when girls need to bring in a food to share with the class they try to bring in things they know she can have. Kids can understand differences and if they don't naturally someone has to sit them down and explain it. This is bullying and needs to be dealt with asap.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jan 08 2021, 6:57 am

When DD was bullied, I told her it's never about the thing they are pointing out, it's always about the other person being a jerk.

DD got glasses, and someone made fun of her. I told her that if she took her glasses off, next week they would make fun of her sweater, or her shoes, or the fact that her ears aren't pierced. She has blonde hair and blue eyes, and all of her classmates had curly dark hair and brown eyes. I told her that if she curled and dyed her hair, they'd make fun of something else.

The thing is to realize that you're not doing anything wrong. The bully is doing something wrong. If you can internalize that, then the bully can't "make you feel bad."

What's so great about this bully anyway? Why is their approval more important than anyone else's? Does this bully pay your allowance? Do they buy you birthday presents? Do they hang out with you and tell you great jokes, or play ball with you?

The bully is a nobody! They are not important in your life. Focus on the friends who are important, and ignore the bullies. As long as they are not physically harming you, just let it go. Eventually they will get bored if they don't get a satisfying reaction from their would-be victim.

Bully: "Ewwww! Your food looks so gross!"

DC: "Whatever." Rolling Eyes

Bully: "How can you eat that? It's disgusting!"

DC: "Nobody is asking you to eat it. Go eat your own food."

DD's school was "dairy only, no nuts, no seeds", and DD was a very picky eater. Figuring out what to send for lunch was a nightmare. I usually had to give her a big breakfast, and a big dinner as soon as she got in the door. She just suffered all day long without food.

If they had a party she wouldn't eat anything, but she'd come home and tell me what they ate. I went out of my way to make sure that her treats were even tastier. "Close enough" is fine, but when the food is even better then DD is extra happy.

amother

Blue

Fri, Jan 08 2021, 9:01 am

I'm so sorry. I've subbed in a lot of classrooms and there are always at least a few allergy alerts. One girl, with a nut allergy that included "packaged in a facility", had her own cookies in school that she got as a treat when the class got a treat.
I think you're getting some good ideas. There definitely needs to be education.

anonymrs

Fri, Jan 08 2021, 11:21 am

Hi op! I read your post shortly after you wrote it but was so traumatized I couldn't reply. I have 2 children, ages 6 and 10, with many many many food allergies. Allergies are so challenging for kids.

So many things revolve around food. Eating lunch, snack, birthday parties, and classroom food activities are a huge part of the social aspect of school. I can't even begin to imagine how painful it is for a child to be bullied for being allergic. I hope my kids haven't and won't ever experience that. No-one's child should have to go through that.

I find that a large part of the attitude of the class comes from the teacher. It's up to the teacher to set the tone of acceptance for everyone. There's a children's book called We Can Find A Way that should be mandatory reading for every teacher about including and accommodating everyone.

I'm so sorry that you're child is being hurt like this. It's up to the teacher and the school to stop it immediately.

Feel free to pm if you want to chat allergies.

Good luck!

amother

Fri, Jan 08 2021, 1:31 pm

Thank you all so much for your helpful responses! I really appreciate the thoughtfulness! I’ll have to be in touch with the teacher/school to make sure there is no bullying going on from here on in-if that’s what it was. I also have to figure out how to bolster my dc and make dc feel ok and secure in the “being different.” Thank you to some for your suggestions in that area as well.

Roots

Sat, Jan 09 2021, 2:07 pm

I dont know how old ur child is- one of my sons is 5 and with a hearing aid- when he got it last yr- his ganenet made him a hearing aid party where his special morah (that comes to take him out once a week) sat with the kids and told them about how big and responsible they r that they can have a boy with a heatring aid in their class etc and he gave out nosh and they made a whole day about him and it was very empowering for him and his class- if ur son is still in the lower grades it might be helpful to have that kind of thing