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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Teen DD - no emotional regulation when stressed
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 5:25 am
My teen DD struggles when she is stressed. It might be because of a test, it might be because her hair isn't coming out the way she wants. But when she gets like that, she loses all ability to control herself. She will scream, cry hysterically, slam doors, lock herself in her room, etc. B"H not physically aggressive. I am looking for some strategies to work on with her (when she is calm). Please recommend your tried-and-true tips (not book recommendations please) for practical things to do.
TIA!
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BH Yom Yom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 5:52 am
DBT skills (especially distress tolerance and emotion regulation skills) can be really helpful. Deep breathing (“box” breaths - breathe in for 4 seconds, hold breath for 4 seconds, breathe out for four seconds, wait for 4 seconds, then in for 4 seconds again, and so forth). Wise Mind concepts. ACCEPTS skills (Activities, Contributing, Comparisons, opposite Emotions, Pushing away, other Thoughts, and strong physical Sensations). Mantras - “this sucks AND I can get through it” etc.

I commend you for helping your DD, especially because you are starting to help her with the skills now, when she is still young. From experience, the earlier someone begins working on managing emotions and urges,, the easier it is to master the the skills and have them become second nature during a stressful time.

Hatzlocha!
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Crookshanks




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 6:15 am
I second DBT. I don't know where you live, but I know in Lakewood there are groups for teens.
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 7:39 am
Just want to say that you definitely should take care of this now. I am a grown woman who never learned how to regulate and I’m still totally lost when I get upset or tired or frustrated. I wish I had the skills from when I’m younger. Now I’m in therapy but I could have used the skills all these years.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 10:25 am
DD will not agree to therapy. She tried a couple of sessions. She felt like it meant she was weird or crazy or something was totally wrong with her and nothing I said could break her perception of the stigma. It has to be strategies I can teach her / work on with her.
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Crookshanks




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 10:32 am
Definitely learn the DBT skills yourself then. Try to work with her on that.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 10:35 am
My dd is very similar. She did not want therapy. Finally , Finally got her to go. and it was the wrong therapist for her, tried another again wrong therapist. She was going to give up and was willing to just say this is the way I will have to live. Then we dug in and got our pediatrician involved and she had a coming to joshua talk with her and we said no choice and I found another therapist and the pediatrician suggested the pill and low dose medicine. This was a 2 year process. DD is now in college and B"h things have been so much better, and she has a better understanding of her feelings and when that mood starts creeping up she can recognizes it is coming.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 5:09 pm
I tried speaking to DD about her latest tantrum during a calm moment earlier. She said she doesn't want help for this AT ALL because it feels good to release her stress. I told her that screaming "Get away!" to her parents is not acceptable but she just kept justifying her behavior that she needs to 'get it all out of her system' when she's in a bad mood. She doesn't seem to care that she is imposing her bad mood on her everyone else!
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 5:11 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I tried speaking to DD about her latest tantrum during a calm moment earlier. She said she doesn't want help for this AT ALL because it feels good to release her stress. I told her that screaming "Get away!" to her parents is not acceptable but she just kept justifying her behavior that she needs to 'get it all out of her system' when she's in a bad mood. She doesn't seem to care that she is imposing her bad mood on her everyone else!


Just because it feels good doesn't mean it's the right way to deal with things. Instead of focusing on why her actions are bothering others try to focus on how therapy could improve her relationship with herself, her life, etc.
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forever21




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 5:20 pm
Welcome to teenagehood Smile
All kidding aside, how do you or your husband react when stressed ? Is it possible this is a learned behavior ?
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BH Yom Yom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 6:02 pm
For yourself, definitely learn the DBT skills, especially the interpersonal effectiveness section! I have found it very helpful in dealing with other people when they are dysregulated.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 6:06 pm
amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:
Just want to say that you definitely should take care of this now. I am a grown woman who never learned how to regulate and I’m still totally lost when I get upset or tired or frustrated. I wish I had the skills from when I’m younger. Now I’m in therapy but I could have used the skills all these years.


Same. I can throw a tantrum because we ran out of milk and I wanted cereal for breakfast. The more tired, hungry, uncomfortable or stressed I am, the harder it is for me to deal with anything. It’s hard to live like this.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 6:16 pm
amother [ Mint ] wrote:
My dd is very similar. She did not want therapy. Finally , Finally got her to go. and it was the wrong therapist for her, tried another again wrong therapist. She was going to give up and was willing to just say this is the way I will have to live. Then we dug in and got our pediatrician involved and she had a coming to joshua talk with her and we said no choice and I found another therapist and the pediatrician suggested the pill and low dose medicine. This was a 2 year process. DD is now in college and B"h things have been so much better, and she has a better understanding of her feelings and when that mood starts creeping up she can recognizes it is coming.


I also have a child struggling this and was wondering abt medications
What pill and low dose medicine is helping? Thank you so much!
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Crookshanks




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 6:22 pm
Guanfacine (generic intuniv) is an ADHD medication that helps lessen anger and argumentativeness.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 6:36 pm
I seem to be the odd one out.... but maybe discuss safe appropriate ways for her to get that stress release. Also about screaming get away, sounds like she wanted to be left alone to deal with her big emotions, I'm not sure the best way to handle that is to get in her space and then have her yell. Maybe let her sulk in her room when she needs to? Get adult sensory "toys" that she can use while she calms down.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 8:36 pm
My son and I together created a "calm down jar" which we listed about 20 different strategies which have helped him calm down in the past. He worked with a therapist to recognize his triggers and also recognize when he starting to feel upset. When he feels like he needs it, he accesses his jar and picks a strategy (or multiple) until he is regulated again. It's a work in process, but it's been really helpful to him.

ETA: We also put him on anxiety medication which is very helpful. He was thrilled when we asked him if he wanted to try medication.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 10:14 pm
Dd is the same but often it's right by pms
Not sure how much she can control it when it's hormonal.
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 10:31 pm
There was a dbt series in Mishpacha’s teen pages some times ago.
Maybe contact them and see if you can order those issues and read them/have ds read them.

(I found them quite interesting even as an adult)

There might be dbt exercise workbooks on Amazon too?
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 10:33 pm
amother [ cornflower ] wrote:
Dd is the same but often it's right by pms
Not sure how much she can control it when it's hormonal.


Get her evaluated for PMDD. I have PMDD and before starting therapy and medication, two weeks out of every single month, it felt like my brain was taken over by a rageful, tearful, labile banshee. Therapy and meds can absolutely help, I wish I had gotten treatment in my teenage years before symptoms got worse in my 20s. I only sought treatment after having struggled for quite a while. Hugs.
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 10:55 pm
Maybe you could look into different things that people find help with stress relief like exercise, art, meditation etc and encourage her to find what works for her, something that she enjoys. Without making like, you need to go to art therapy because you’re stressed.
But honestly, these days a lot of kids (and adults!) are having a harder time regulating. Everyone is being pushed to their limits, so when something extra comes and pushes you over its extra hard to stay balanced.

Also, is she only like this at home? Or does she also explode in other environments?
We are only just entering the teenage years, but I have some pretty explosive kids, BH in school and other situations they are fine. It’s just at home that it all comes out. Which is frustrating for us, but also reassuring.
We still have lots of discussion about what helps us calm down - one kid likes a weighted blanket and a quiet room, one just needs to be outside or a shower. Coloring in or a bike ride etc
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