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Forum -> Parenting our children
Is one good parent enough?



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 12:48 pm
Both of my parents were unhealthy and I have many scars from my childhood.
As a mother, I'm always working on myself and making great efforts to give my children a healthy upbringing. My DH however, is hardly motivated, and seems to be repeating unhealthy patterns from his home.

From your experience, do you believe that one good parent is enough for a child to grow up with a healthy sense of self? If only one of your parents was 'good', how are you doing today?
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 12:58 pm
I had one horrible parent and one under average parent. I'm also interested in hearing from people with one parent they'd consider "good".

My guess is that if one parent is good and the other is lazy and watches TV all day (etc) but at least isn't harmful, then that is totally different than where one parent is good and the other is actively harming the child.
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 12:59 pm
I can't tell you from personal experience as a child, but I can tell you that in my house, dh is a background figure in my children's lives and they've b"h been doing great. I work very hard at making up what they lack from him, doing everything myself. I'm the one who takes care of their physical, mental, emotional, and intellectual needs.

Dh sets bad examples but I explain to my children why he does what he does (in his case, mental illness) and they learn to accept that it's part of his personal behavioral patterns and not to take it as an example of how they ought to be behave.

I never, ever, ever bad-mouth him to the children. And when he does good things, I sing his praises.

It's very, very hard work for me. But I think my kids get all their needs met and don't even realize how dysfunctional their father is. They'll understand more when they're adults, I'm sure. But I do certainly think it's possible for one functioning parent to raise children in a happy, healthy, functional, loving home.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 12:59 pm
Yes! I had one amazing mother, my father tried but emotionally wasn’t there.l for us. We all grew up happy and healthy Bh. My mother instilled in us the confidence and connected with us emotionally.
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bigsis144




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 1:06 pm
I’ve been told by multiple family therapists that except for finances, I am a “single mother” in many ways.

That just because I’m the only one willing to “do the work” (or even acknowledge that there are problems), I shouldn’t believe it’s my fault that things are the way they are, and that I can’t change everything on my own.

I dunno I’m rambling. I just want to say you’re not alone Hug
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amother
Violet


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 1:09 pm
I have been told by therapists that one good parent is very powerful and a whole lot better than no good parents.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 1:16 pm
I have a wonderful, giving, loving, empathetic mother who would give her children the world if she could. I have a tough, strict, demanding father (who bordered on verbally abusive when I was growing up). Despite this they never spoke badly about each other, only focused on the good between them.
I turned out OK! I also had other family members I was close with who balanced things out for me. (Grandparents, aunts, cousins).

Parents are not the only factor though.
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 1:32 pm
amother [ Papaya ] wrote:
I have a wonderful, giving, loving, empathetic mother who would give her children the world if she could. I have a tough, strict, demanding father (who bordered on verbally abusive when I was growing up). Despite this they never spoke badly about each other, only focused on the good between them.
I turned out OK! I also had other family members I was close with who balanced things out for me. (Grandparents, aunts, cousins).

Parents are not the only factor though.

The bolded is my story as well, but unfortunately they sometimes badmouthed each other. Those few times were enough to promise myself that no matter what, I will Bezras Hashem NEVER allow that to happen in my home. I BH turned out fine thanks to my amazing mom
As my kalla teacher explained to me: Despite the bad relationship with males in your life, men can be great people who are there to protect women, especially a husband to his wife. She was so right:)
And Baruch Hashem I married a wonderful man who is doing a great job of filling the male figure void from my childhood. My father never expressed love or compassion, and was verbally abusive. Thank You Hashem for DH:)
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 1:36 pm
Yes. As long as the other spouse isn’t emotionally or physically abusive- just more of a mellow parent.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 1:44 pm
We sometimes take turns being the good parent. There is always someone physically & emotionally available but not necessarily both of us. If I am having a hard day, my DH has to bring his A game no matter what and vice versa.
Hope the kids will be OK
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amother
Natural


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 2:24 pm
I try to play my part right, and be a nurturing role model to my kids. Dh is less so, has some emotional issues and can sometimes do things I try so hard to teach my kids not to do. It’s difficult when they tell me “but totty does this”, but in the end, I think the healthier better parent has a stronger influence & impact on a child.

ETA: of course if there’s real abuse going on it’s different.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 5:14 pm
I grew up with one really good parent and one extremely abusive parent. The good parent has been a lifesaver for all of us, but we are still broken. We are all frum and functioning to whatever extent we are because of the single healthy parent.
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QueensMama




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2021, 5:18 pm
Teomima wrote:
I can't tell you from personal experience as a child, but I can tell you that in my house, dh is a background figure in my children's lives and they've b"h been doing great. I work very hard at making up what they lack from him, doing everything myself. I'm the one who takes care of their physical, mental, emotional, and intellectual needs.

Dh sets bad examples but I explain to my children why he does what he does (in his case, mental illness) and they learn to accept that it's part of his personal behavioral patterns and not to take it as an example of how they ought to be behave.

I never, ever, ever bad-mouth him to the children. And when he does good things, I sing his praises.

It's very, very hard work for me. But I think my kids get all their needs met and don't even realize how dysfunctional their father is. They'll understand more when they're adults, I'm sure. But I do certainly think it's possible for one functioning parent to raise children in a happy, healthy, functional, loving home.



You are very inspiring. I really admire your attitude. I'm sure you will have loads of nachas from your children.
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 08 2021, 2:57 am
QueensMama wrote:
You are very inspiring. I really admire your attitude. I'm sure you will have loads of nachas from your children.

Aww, thank you
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 08 2021, 3:31 am
Single mothers everywhere do an amazing job every day. There are even some stellar single dads, but it's less common.

In a two parent household, it's harder, because there's usually tension between the good and bad parents, but it's not impossible (usually).

Sometimes there's no tension because the dad has to work long hours, or two jobs, or has to travel a lot, and the mom is on her own. A good enough mom makes it work.

If you are contemplating divorce, and wondering about whether you are a good enough parent on your own, then you already are. Bad parents don't worry about whether they are good enough or not.

You'll be doing the work of two parents, but if you do it with love, fun, and responsibility, your kids will be absolutely fine.
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