Dd caught me snooping on her phone

amother

Fri, Jan 08 2021, 2:39 pm

My 17 yo has a basic flip phone with text which she uses a LOT. She's a good kid, and I very rarely look at her texts, for the last few years since she's had her own phone I maybe checked it twice. Today though I saw it lying her room when she was on the other side of the house and for no good reason I picked it up and skimmed through. I thought if I hear her approaching I'll put it down.
My daughter was wearing her crocs though and I didn't hear the footsteps til she was almost there. I hastily put it down and walked out.
I'm not sure if she saw. I feel terrible. I've always maintained this relationship of I trust you and don't snoop your stuff. And she did nothing to warrant mistrust.
How to go forward? Pretend nothing happened? Talk to her?

amother

White

Fri, Jan 08 2021, 2:41 pm

Its okay to have a policy to look through your childrens phone at random.
Being that you beat a hasty retreat I am not sure what you can tell her after the fact.
You should have stayed there and not run off.

amother

White

Fri, Jan 08 2021, 2:43 pm

flmommy wrote:

If she didn’t say anything she probably didn’t see. I wouldn’t worry. It’s our job to keep our kids safe. Snoop more carefully next time.

Teens should not be snooped on. There are other ways of keeping them safe.

amother

Fri, Jan 08 2021, 3:12 pm

amother [ White ] wrote:

If I would have any concerns whatsoever about her safety, I would have no hesitation to check her phone and let her know I am. I wouldn't hide it. I do think what I did was wrong. It was motivated more by a desire to know what's going on in her internally, she is a very independent young lady who doesn't confide in her mom much. But a solid good frum girl.

amother

Silver

Fri, Jan 08 2021, 3:36 pm

There was a halacha question the other week in one of the magazines if this is allowed.
As I recall, if parents are paying for the phone and child is being supported in general by parents it is allowed. But if child earns money independently to take care of their needs (even while living at home) parents are not allowed to-- would fall under same ban against reading another's mail (was this from Rabbeinu Gershom?).
Based on your description sounds like you are halachically allowed.
That said if she is a good girl in general from an emotional standpoint snooping out of curiosity is not a necessary safety measure so allowing her some privacy is a good idea.

moonstone

Sat, Jan 09 2021, 12:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That relationship is a lie- you don't trust her and you do snoop through her stuff. What a terrible violation of your daughter's privacy, especially since she's done nothing to warrant it. I'd have to be worried that my kids were doing something illegal or life-threatening before I'd snoop like that. I literally can't even imagine going into their room and looking through their phone for no good reason.

I hope she didn't see you snooping. Please don't do that again.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sat, Jan 09 2021, 12:48 pm

If she saw you, she will probably put a password on the phone so it won't happen again.
I really think a 17 year old is way too old to be snooping on, unless you think she is involved in something extreme and life-threatening.

I wouldn't say anything, but it should be a wake up call to you not to be tempted to do it again.

ora_43

Sat, Jan 09 2021, 1:19 pm

Wow, that's a tough one Confused

Is there any way to admit to looking at her phone, without admitting to reading her texts? Normally I'm pro-honesty and all, but - weird as it feels to say this - if you're not going to do it again, I think it might be better for both of you that she not know. It would probably cause big problems, without having any benefit at this point since you already realize it was wrong.

But that said, the worst-case scenario is that she realizes what you did, and neither of you mention it. Then you've lost her trust but you don't know it and can't fix it.

So again... any way to put the "I looked at your phone and I'm sorry, I should have asked first" out there without the "and I read your text messages" bit?

amother

Ruby

Sat, Jan 09 2021, 2:30 pm

If I were her, and I knew I was a good kid, I would be FURIOUS!

If you find her unusually quiet, she's probably giving you the silent treatment while she's mulling over how she wants to deal with this.

Good luck with the apologies.

amother

Copper

Sat, Jan 09 2021, 9:36 pm

My kids know I will occasionally look through their phone. I know their password. There is no illusion of privacy. I look through their phones maybe twice a year but I don’t hide it. I tell them.
My kids are very cool with it. They don’t blink twice. My daughter saw her phone near me and said were you going through my phone again? I said no actually but I need to I haven’t done it in a while. She said ok and picked up her phone.

I made it a condition of getting a phone. They really don’t care. They have nothing to hide. If my child started acting secretive I would worry more.

amother

Maroon

Sat, Jan 09 2021, 9:45 pm

I see no problem with having a rule that I get you a phone and I'm allowed to check it whenever. The problem is hiding that you're checking it.

Last edited by amother on Thu, Feb 04 2021, 9:38 am; edited 1 time in total

ora_43

Sun, Jan 10 2021, 1:37 am

So I'm going to disagree with some of the posts here, and say I do see a problem with reading your child's texts.

Checking their phone, as in, seeing what's on their phone, making sure there are no inappropriate apps or whatever - fine.

But reading texts is eavesdropping on their conversation with friends. It's 2021, this is how kids communicate. If kids know their texts aren't private, it's a real restriction on their social life. Even well-adjusted, happily frum kids have a lot to say to each other that they wouldn't want their parents reading.

In an extreme case, OK. If there's reason to suspect a kid is on drugs, or in an abusive relationship, or being blackmailed, etc. But otherwise, I wouldn't do it. Too much of an impact on the kid's life, for so little gain.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sun, Jan 10 2021, 3:14 am

I agree with ora - a kid's phone is the way they communicate, and reading their texts is listening to their conversations.

That said, if you are open about it and say you will be checking their phone, I guess there is no problem. Any kid with a bit of sense will simply erase all his texts every time, so the whole checking thing is pointless.

amother

Azure

Sun, Jan 10 2021, 3:18 am

17 is not a little child. She's almost old enough to go away to seminary/move out/start shidduchim. Youve gotta start letting go of control at some point, and let her be responsible for herself. IMHO.

Also echoing above posters. If you ARE going to be monitoring her phone, own up to it and tell her. Whats the use of sneaking?

amother

Teal

Sat, Jan 16 2021, 11:30 pm

I made 3 conditions when I bought my 13 year old daughter her flip phone.

1- needs to be shut off by 9:30pm
2- only texting people I know and approve to text
3- I have a right to check her phone

I wouldn’t do it in front of her and make her uncomfortable but I’ve looked through her phone a few times when she wasn’t home. (She’s not allowed to take her phone to school- school rule)

amother

Smokey

Sat, Jan 16 2021, 11:43 pm

13 is not 17. I also told my kids I'll be checking their texts (flip phones). I haven't checked my 17 yr old's phone in years. He's a good kid and doing well, I have no reason to. My younger teens I don't check much either but they have limited texting plans and they know not to use it except when necessary. Not for stam socializing.