Defiant 10 yr old doesn't respect rules

amother

Tue, Jan 12 2021, 8:16 am

What is the right way to approach this?
If 'healthy parenting' doesn't encourage punishments, what are my options?

Zehava

Tue, Jan 12 2021, 8:18 am

The answer is in the title. You’ve labeled him/her as defiant instead of looking for what’s underneath the behavior.

amother

Natural

Tue, Jan 12 2021, 8:27 am

Just throw the child in the street. Let her/him be defiant then.

Just kidding.... Rolling Laughter

What kind of behaviors? Do you know what is behind the behaviors?

naomi2

Tue, Jan 12 2021, 8:43 am

The op doesn't give enough details. You will get more and better answers if you give some background information and some examples.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Jan 12 2021, 8:59 am

When responding to "defiant behavior" do not punish in the moment. Instead, tell your child that you are disappointed and will discuss the consequence later. This gives you time to calm down and your child time to think over his actions. If you respond in the moment you may react in a combative manner.

yksraya

Tue, Jan 12 2021, 9:27 am

Don't call such a young child defiant. It is very normal for pre-teens to test the limits or misbehave. Learn how to disengage till they are calm. Be as loving as you can.

You can be firm with rules, but while the misbehavior is happening, is not a time to talk about it, as it gives negative attention. Instead wait till they are calm and explain nicely why the behavior wasn't ok and why you are disappointed. Don't go on and on about it. They usually Know the behavior wasn't ok. Or alternatively, do not even talk about the bad behavior at all, not to give attention to it.

Praise them for good behavior. Make sure to shmooz with them often, give them your listening ear and time.

It is a passing phase, don't let it ruin your relationship with the child.

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Jan 12 2021, 10:07 am

Hugs! It is hard, I was dealing with this, and be'ezras Hashem it could get better. I'd say best thing you can do is work on your relationship with her separate from the defiant behavior, can give natural, no-emotion consequences when it happens, but don't let it overtake your relationship with her. Hatzlacha!

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jan 12 2021, 10:14 am

He's a boy, he's 10, and puberty has raised it's ugly head! Surprised

He's trying to prove "he's a man." LOL

When he is disrespectful, tell him "I will not listen when you talk to me that way. When you are ready to speak to me respectfully, I will be happy to sit down and hear what you have to say."

Then calmly walk away, and go do something. Fold laundry, wash dishes, anything to look like you are too busy to be bothered.

Whatever you do, do NOT give him a dramatic reaction! That's the most satisfying thing in the whole world, and will guarantee that he will keep doing it.

I've had to bite my tongue with DD so many times at that age, it's a miracle I can still talk. B'H, she's an amazing 17yo now.

mha3484

Tue, Jan 12 2021, 10:28 am

I have a 10 year old son and this age is really hard. They are going from little kid to big kid and with that the expectations change so much. School gets harder and for some kids the day gets longer. The social life changes a lot too. I use a lot of empathy and I remind myself 10 times a day that behavior is communication. I have also found that some rules need adjusting as he gets older and craves more independence.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Jan 12 2021, 11:39 am

What do you do when you walk away from the kid and they follow you? Or when by walking away, you are not there to prevent them to do what they wanted to do or were doing that they aren't allowed to, which caused the defiance?

amother

cornflower

Tue, Jan 12 2021, 11:55 am

Defiant possible definitions:

Emotionally feels not heard enough, in need of extra nuturing, strept or other medical going ons, child of overwhelmed short on time mommy who has figured out how to get the (negative ) attention he needs. This kid needs more than your other kids. This kid needs a different style of parenting.

So experiment.

amother

Wine

Tue, Jan 12 2021, 12:21 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What is the right way to approach this?
If 'healthy parenting' doesn't encourage punishments, what are my options?

See things from his point of view.
Find out what motivates him.
Reiterate the rules.
And let him grow up. It's typical 10 yr old behavior.

amother

Linen

Tue, Jan 12 2021, 12:53 pm

amother [ Teal ] wrote:

Oppositional and defiant behavior is always strep in our house.

mine too! but I cant talk, because my oldest is only 5

amother

Teal

Tue, Jan 12 2021, 1:43 pm

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

mine too! but I cant talk, because my oldest is only 5

I’ll bet this is happening in a lot more houses too.