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Asking for sheva brachos or wait for offer?
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 12:49 pm
Is it appropriate to ask people if they want to host sheva brachos, or wait for them to offer?

I have a sibling who lives in the same city as me, thinking about asking if they want to host one for my son but wondering if that's awkward or if I should wait till they offer.

What if I just mention that these are the dates that the couple will be in town.

I think when my brother got married his mother called me asking if I wanted to host sheva brachos. Or maybe I offered first, I don't really remember. (I was happy to do it, just someone has to coordinate the schedule.)
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 12:50 pm
Hosting a sheva brachos is a pretty significant expense, as we know. I would not put someone on the spot like that. If they do not offer, leave it.
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Ema of 4




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 12:50 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Is it appropriate to ask people if they want to host sheva brachos, or wait for them to offer?

I have a sibling who lives in the same city as me, thinking about asking if they want to host one for my son but wondering if that's awkward or if I should wait till they offer.

What if I just mention that these are the dates that the couple will be in town.

I think when my brother got married his mother called me asking if I wanted to host sheva brachos. Or maybe I offered first, I don't really remember. (I was happy to do it, just someone has to coordinate the schedule.)

I’ve always been asked. People can’t read your mind. If you want someone to host, ask them.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 12:52 pm
watergirl wrote:
Hosting a sheva brachos is a pretty significant expense, as we know. I would not put someone on the spot like that. If they do not offer, leave it.


It doesn't have to be.

I'd be happy to have it just our families.

I'm not talking about a big community-wide event.
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amother




cornflower
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 12:54 pm
Agree with watergirl. Big expense and a lot of work. Usually close relatives who are able will offer. If they haven't offered, they probably don't feel up to it.
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 1:00 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It doesn't have to be.

I'd be happy to have it just our families.

I'm not talking about a big community-wide event.


Even just families. You need ten men, which probably also means ten women. A nice meal for at least twenty people isn't cheap.

(Though a friend of mine once made her own Sheva Brachos. She made salad and ordered pizza and all her husbands yeshiva friends came, and sat on the floor because they didn't have any chairs yet. That was relatively cheap, and she loved it. Not for everyone, though.)

Corona further complicates the situation of who might be willing to host.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 1:01 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It doesn't have to be.

I'd be happy to have it just our families.

I'm not talking about a big community-wide event.

You need 10 men if you want to bentch, which is the point of the whole thing. If you have that between your families, cool! Add the one "new face". Thats still at least 15 people if you count the minyan, the couple, and a few wives. Dinner for 15 is not cheap, even if its a simple meal (chicken, potatos, salad, brownies). The host also has to have a clean home, enough dishes for all or buy plastic, napkins, etc.

When I first got married, we did not have 7 nights simply because we did not have the family to make it for us. And thats ok too! In my community at the time, a "friends sheva brachos" was a fun thing we all did (we were MO at that time) and that was a blast; just pizzas, drinks, chips, etc. and even that was at least $200 just for the group of us (less than 20 people if I recall correctly).

Unless you are willing to foot the bill, please do not ask someone to host this for you. We truly never know what someone has in their wallet, in their shalom bayis, etc. oh, and that world wide pandemic we keep hearing about.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 1:04 pm
Ema of 4 wrote:
I’ve always been asked. People can’t read your mind. If you want someone to host, ask them.
I think this is ok as well. OP, what's your relationship like? Of course its always nicer if someone offers, but many times a close relative will be more than happy to make a sheva brochos but it doesn't dawn upon them to offer. Sometimes they're not in that stage so it's so far from them. I would preface the conversation with saying that you are perfectly ok with them not doing it if it's too complicated for them. Good luck op!! and Mazel Tov with lots of nachas!!
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amother




Violet
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 1:08 pm
I would find it impossible to say no if a sibling asked me, even if I was truly not up to it for whatever reason. So I don't think putting anyone on the spot by asking directly is a good idea.
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amother




Ivory
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 1:11 pm
I would never ask such a thing. Ever. They know about the wedding, they will offer if they're up to it.

I'm close to my siblings and still wouldn't.
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amother




Jetblack
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 1:16 pm
You can ask very lightly. Tell them to luk if they ARE interested. They shouldn't have to call up to decline.

In some circles Sheva berochos is just a thing you do. Pizza party's dont fly so no point in suggesting that.

But you can call and also offer to foot the bill, maybe just ask them to cook and set up.
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amother




Indigo
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 1:17 pm
This depends on your relationship and if it's accepted practice in your family to ask. I many families it's acceptable that each side makes 2 sheva brachos and the parents of the chasson/kallah arrange who will make it. I'd feel comfortable asking my parents or in laws to host a sheva brachos. But it's usually afew people together that host the sheva brachos. We make a sheva brachos for siblings but it's 8 couples chipping in so it's not that expensive.
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amother




Seagreen
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 1:24 pm
ooh this is a little touchy. The youngest sibling in hubs family getting married and my mother in law basically booked a hall for one of the sheva broches that us siblings will be splitting the bill amongst. feeling beyond miffed. It goes without saying that not everybodys financials are the same... She didnt even ask everybody if theyre ok with it. (and she booked a higher end hall when there are cheaper options around, she wants to impress the other side I guess) Whatever. will just go along and not rock the boat but in my opinion, it isnt fair to put relatives on the spot like that (and we're immediate family, siblings of the kalla/chosen and I still feel like it is audacious of mother in law to decide that her kids will be hosting without checking with all of them or waiting for an offer)
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 1:26 pm
I would ask my brother just bc he has a bigger house and for a change of pace. I don't want every sheva brachos to be in my house. I don't mind offering to pay.

From what I remember of mine and my sibling's sheva brachos, some were big events with multiple couples and some were just in someone's house with immediate family.

We are not fancy people at ALL.

I wouldn't mind pizza either.
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amother




cornflower
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 1:44 pm
Pizza for 15-20 people (at least) is not so cheap, either. Add in drinks, papergoods, and dessert and it adds up.
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ra_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 1:48 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I would ask my brother just bc he has a bigger house and for a change of pace. I don't want every sheva brachos to be in my house. I don't mind offering to pay.

From what I remember of mine and my sibling's sheva brachos, some were big events with multiple couples and some were just in someone's house with immediate family.

We are not fancy people at ALL.

I wouldn't mind pizza either.

Ask them if they'd be willing to have a sheva brachos at their home that you will pay for. If they want to offer to pay, they will.
Mazel Tov!
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 1:51 pm
I get the point.

I am not going to ask anyone.

If people offer they offer. If not not.
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 1:55 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I would ask my brother just bc he has a bigger house and for a change of pace. I don't want every sheva brachos to be in my house. I don't mind offering to pay.


I'm assuming that the other side will do some of them as well. Not all your responsibility.

There's nothing wrong with not having Sheva Brachos every night. Often the couple are glad of a day when they can just relax. My sister has Shiva Asar b'Tammuz during her Sheva Brachos week, and the fast goes out so late in England that no one was making a big fancy meal for after the fast. They stayed home and had a quiet evening with soup and eggs to break the fast. She really enjoyed having a quiet 'night off'.
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amother




Ivory
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 1:56 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I get the point.

I am not going to ask anyone.

If people offer they offer. If not not.


You could "hint". Casually mention that you're making sheva brachos plans for the couple in the context of wedding plan talk. Ask nothing. If it's something they want to do, they'll speak up.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 2:03 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I would ask my brother just bc he has a bigger house and for a change of pace. I don't want every sheva brachos to be in my house. I don't mind offering to pay.

From what I remember of mine and my sibling's sheva brachos, some were big events with multiple couples and some were just in someone's house with immediate family.

We are not fancy people at ALL.

I wouldn't mind pizza either.

I think if you make the ask and offer to pay, but make it clear that you REALLY mean the offer, I think its fine to ask.
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