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Asking for sheva brachos or wait for offer?

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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section

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singleagain

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 2:10 pm

watergirl wrote:

I think if you make the ask and offer to pay, but make it clear that you REALLY mean the offer, I think its fine to ask.

This but I might include an offer of cleaning help before and after.

2

Ema of 4

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 2:10 pm

Elfrida wrote:

Even just families. You need ten men, which probably also means ten women. A nice meal for at least twenty people isn't cheap.

(Though a friend of mine once made her own Sheva Brachos. She made salad and ordered pizza and all her husbands yeshiva friends came, and sat on the floor because they didn't have any chairs yet. That was relatively cheap, and she loved it. Not for everyone, though.)

Corona further complicates the situation of who might be willing to host.

Even 20 people doesn’t have to be expensive. Also 10 men doesn’t have to equal 20 people, it could be 11 or 12 people- all men plus the hostess and maybe one other woman.

amother

OP

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 2:13 pm

watergirl wrote:

I think if you make the ask and offer to pay, but make it clear that you REALLY mean the offer, I think its fine to ask.

Honestly I don't want it THAT badly.

It would be nice if they offered.
We can manage if they don't.

Elfrida

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 2:30 pm

Ema of 4 wrote:

Even 20 people doesn’t have to be expensive. Also 10 men doesn’t have to equal 20 people, it could be 11 or 12 people- all men plus the hostess and maybe one other woman.

And perhaps the kallah?

9

Ema of 4

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 2:34 pm

Elfrida wrote:

And perhaps the kallah?

Oops :-) yes so 12 maybe 13

1

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 2:40 pm

I dont think you should ask. It's not just about the money. Sheva brachos requires alot of planning and organizing, getting enough tables and chairs, setting up/ cleaning up etc

As much as you think you are close with someone, you never know what it really going on their life. A few years ago two of my husband's siblings got married within a month of each other. Everyone assumed I had a ton of free time because I only had one kid. Noone knew that I was doing SIF treatment. I was exhausted from the early morning appointments, worn out from the whole process, and I had no headspace or mental energy to be all that involved in the simchos. I got alot of judgment that I didn't offer to help more.

9

5

essie14

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 2:48 pm

We only had 4 sheva brachot. 2 weeknight, Friday night and Shabbat lunch.
All 7 are not required.
I would never ask someone to host SB for me or my child.
When I have wanted to host I have offered.

4

amother

Taupe

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 3:11 pm

I would not be hosting sheva brachot now, or attending any one else's, due to covid.

Could it be that is a concern for them?

4

amother

Slategray

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 3:16 pm

You can always send a casual group text or WhatsApp to your sibs saying that these are the dates still available for SB for those who wanted to know...

2

amother

cornflower

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 4:33 pm

essie14 wrote:

We only had 4 sheva brachot. 2 weeknight, Friday night and Shabbat lunch.
All 7 are not required.
I would never ask someone to host SB for me or my child.
When I have wanted to host I have offered.

This reminds me of an article I read once about Rav Shteinman. He was asked once if a newly married couple must have said 7 nights of sheva brachos, and responded of course not, adding in that he and his wife didn't have any, other than at their wedding.

8

avrahamama

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 4:49 pm

amother [ cornflower ] wrote:

This reminds me of an article I read once about Rav Shteinman. He was asked once if a newly married couple must have said 7 nights of sheva brachos, and responded of course not, adding in that he and his wife didn't have any, other than at their wedding.

That's really sweet!

1

amother

cornflower

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 5:04 pm

avrahamama wrote:

That's really sweet!

I think he said he and his wife were poor refugees at the time, and their wedding had been paid for with community funds and they didn't feel right to impose further than the bare minimum.
I think he also said his children did not have all 7, either, when they were married.

4

amother

Amber

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 5:07 pm

I know people who made sheva brachos during lockdown when people weren't going to other people's houses. The meal itself was just immediate family, a few neighbors came by for bentching - ate some mezonos to be yotzei seuda.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 5:32 pm

amother [ Ivory ] wrote:

You could "hint". Casually mention that you're making sheva brachos plans for the couple in the context of wedding plan talk. Ask nothing. If it's something they want to do, they'll speak up.

Bad advice.
Worst thing to hint. Gross misunderstandings happen from hinting.

6

amother

Crimson

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 6:17 pm

OP, I really hope they end up offering!! it's such a nice feeling to feel that your family wants to be part of your Simcha and I hope they do!
in case they don't, they probably have something going on...
personally I wouldn't offer to pay.....I would do it in a restaurant, make it a small crowd and put my money there....
Sheva Brachos in my circles is like a wedding gift- I can't imagine paying someone to gift my kids. If you pay, you should be the host.

1

amother

OP

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 6:50 pm

I don’t know. This thread is making me so sad.

Sheva Brachos is such a beautiful minhag. Mine were small and intimate. The beauty wasn’t the fancy food, it was having friends and family who cared enough to host.

I understand some people are poverty stricken and can barely afford to feed their kids. Other people have a lot on their plates for other reasons. But underlying it I just sense a lot of indifference. Or because if you can’t have a sheva brachos to your idea of elegance, it’s better not to have one at all.

I have no doubt we have enough friends in the community who will offer to host. That’s not my worry, we will have more than enough offers. I think it would be nice to make one with my brother’s family but if it doesn’t mean as much to them, nothing that we can do.

2

zohar

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 7:04 pm

I would call and say that you were working out the sheva brachos schedule with the machatenista, and wanted to know if they were interested in hosting, and if yes, what was their preferences in dates.
Many people don't realize how early sheva brachos are reserved and might just not be thinking of it yet. This way, you are explaining why you need to know earlier, you are giving them an out by acknowledging that 'no' is an ok answer by saying "if yes..."

4

amother

Khaki

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 7:22 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don’t know. This thread is making me so sad.

Sheva Brachos is such a beautiful minhag. Mine were small and intimate. The beauty wasn’t the fancy food, it was having friends and family who cared enough to host.

I understand some people are poverty stricken and can barely afford to feed their kids. Other people have a lot on their plates for other reasons. But underlying it I just sense a lot of indifference. Or because if you can’t have a sheva brachos to your idea of elegance, it’s better not to have one at all.

I have no doubt we have enough friends in the community who will offer to host. That’s not my worry, we will have more than enough offers. I think it would be nice to make one with my brother’s family but if it doesn’t mean as much to them, nothing that we can do.

It's a beautiful minhag, but it has outgrown its beauty, imo. It was beautiful back in the day, when the affairs were simple, and the daily routines of life weren't such a hectic mayhem. It was really nice to extend the simcha and check in with your close relatives in the following days.

But now, these simchas are mostly no longer simple affairs. Even the 'simple' ones are mostly not simple by reasonable standards. And the cost of a single affair is substantial. Moreover, the relatives, even the close family, are trying to catch their breath from the late night wedding, to back at work, to taking care of their own families, and from all the hectic daily activity of the lifestyle we have set up. I personally think people would be more appreciative of some quiet nights than celebrating for 7 nights straight. The wedding and a Shabbos Sheva Brochos is more than sufficient in marking this milestone. If one really wants to host the couple, have them over for dinner & call some people over just for the bentching part.

I'm saying this as a mother who will be marrying off my daughter shortly, IY"H. If I'd go this route, I think my siblings and parents would be very very thankful.

5

notshanarishona

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 7:31 pm

Their are many reasons why I wouldn’t offer as a sibling:
(1) money is most obvious
(2) as a sibling, being at wedding and all sheva brachos is exhausting, kids off schedule, etc. and normally only take off one day of work for a neices or nephew wedding that’s local so have to balance work as well. It’s intense
(3) expectations, I would be mortified to make a simple sheva brachos and would end up stressing and spending days trying to make it impressive. I have never been to a simple sheva brachos (other than one that someone made us on the spur of the moment in E”Y when they heard we were skipping a day 🤣) and I would be embarrassed to start a trend and be the nebachdik one. I would sooner not offer.
Also it’s different if its a brother whose local or a sister. You are presumably expecting your sil to do most of the work which is more to ask than from a sister.

3

amother

OP

Wed, Jan 13 2021, 8:15 pm

Quote:

(3) expectations, I would be mortified to make a simple sheva brachos and would end up stressing and spending days trying to make it impressive.

That's precisely the problem.

It's so "mortifying" to make a simple sheva brachos that it's better to make none at all.

Literally everyone on this thread thinks it's better to skip sheva brachos entirely than to have it be a simple, nice evening with family.

3

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