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Asking for sheva brachos or wait for offer?
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amother




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Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 8:40 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Quote:
(3) expectations, I would be mortified to make a simple sheva brachos and would end up stressing and spending days trying to make it impressive.


That's precisely the problem.

It's so "mortifying" to make a simple sheva brachos that it's better to make none at all.

Literally everyone on this thread thinks it's better to skip sheva brachos entirely than to have it be a simple, nice evening with family.


OP you literally switched gears from your original post to you later comments. Of course its okay to have a low key sheva brachos and to mention it to your brother if thats something you would really love. Just say hey I would love to have something small and intimate with you ........... and make sure they know they don't have to.
The way you asked your original question was if you can ask people like your brother to make sheva brachos so people were being nice by telling you that if your "looking" for sheva brachos then you should know many people skip it. If you have many people who will offer but you really feel a small intimate sheva brachos with your brothers family would be nice, then you need to rephrase your original question and realize that the answers were directed at a completely different question.
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allthingsblue




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 9:19 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I don’t know. This thread is making me so sad.

Sheva Brachos is such a beautiful minhag. Mine were small and intimate. The beauty wasn’t the fancy food, it was having friends and family who cared enough to host.

I understand some people are poverty stricken and can barely afford to feed their kids. Other people have a lot on their plates for other reasons. But underlying it I just sense a lot of indifference. Or because if you can’t have a sheva brachos to your idea of elegance, it’s better not to have one at all.

I have no doubt we have enough friends in the community who will offer to host. That’s not my worry, we will have more than enough offers. I think it would be nice to make one with my brother’s family but if it doesn’t mean as much to them, nothing that we can do.


Please do not view it this way. I would never offer to make a sheva brachos for my sibling. If asked I would stress myself out to do it but I wouldn't offer. Why? My life is very hectic, and I'm not a superwoman. I also don't have the funds to just book a hall. I'd want to enjoy my sibling's simcha wholeheartedly, without being worried about a sheva brachos.
Please don't feel hurt or insulted over a non-issue. Let the simcha be a simcha.
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amother




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Post Wed, Jan 13 2021, 11:32 pm
Ok, so to shift gears.

I think this whole idea of 7 nights of dinner in halls and dozens of couples is indeed over the top and ridiculous, and of course should never be expected or asked.

I think that, instead of throwing out the whole idea of sheva brachos altogether, maybe bring it back to what it was meant to be.

I participated in sheva brochos for my siblings and many nieces and nephews. We did simple things. We did potlucks. We did bagels and spreads. And it was fun and joyous to do. Usually each side of the family takes 1-2 nights and 1 night is just friends, then you have the wedding night itself and Shabbos, which for us was just a regular shabbos meal with some extra guests for dessert, and Shabbos kiddush in shul. No massive Shabbos sheva brachos in a hotel.

But because some people would turn up their noses at anything less than Shabbos in a hotel, then the entire concept of sheva brachos gets debased and devalued.
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WhatFor




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jan 14 2021, 5:57 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:

That's precisely the problem.

It's so "mortifying" to make a simple sheva brachos that it's better to make none at all.

Literally everyone on this thread thinks it's better to skip sheva brachos entirely than to have it be a simple, nice evening with family.


I didn't see that at all. I saw people generally saying not to ask someone else to host (and that "simple" might not be simple for a host, depending on their circumstances).

If your SIL had posted asking if they should offer to host a simple SB, I'm assuming the answers would be very different.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jan 14 2021, 7:19 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I have no doubt we have enough friends in the community who will offer to host. That’s not my worry, we will have more than enough offers. I think it would be nice to make one with my brother’s family but if it doesn’t mean as much to them, nothing that we can do.


OP, it seems to me that you are missing what people are getting at. Yes, SOME people are saying “pizza wont fly for sheva brachas” - I think one person said that. Everyone else just left it at no, you can not ask your brother to make one; wait for an offer.


amother [ OP ] wrote:
Quote:
(3) expectations, I would be mortified to make a simple sheva brachos and would end up stressing and spending days trying to make it impressive.


That's precisely the problem.

It's so "mortifying" to make a simple sheva brachos that it's better to make none at all.

Literally everyone on this thread thinks it's better to skip sheva brachos entirely than to have it be a simple, nice evening with family.

No, not literally everyone on this thread thinks that. Not even close. Saying that its not nice to put someone on the spot is not saying what you seem to be reading here.

amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ok, so to shift gears.

I think this whole idea of 7 nights of dinner in halls and dozens of couples is indeed over the top and ridiculous, and of course should never be expected or asked.

I think that, instead of throwing out the whole idea of sheva brachos altogether, maybe bring it back to what it was meant to be.

I participated in sheva brochos for my siblings and many nieces and nephews. We did simple things. We did potlucks. We did bagels and spreads. And it was fun and joyous to do. Usually each side of the family takes 1-2 nights and 1 night is just friends, then you have the wedding night itself and Shabbos, which for us was just a regular shabbos meal with some extra guests for dessert, and Shabbos kiddush in shul. No massive Shabbos sheva brachos in a hotel.

But because some people would turn up their noses at anything less than Shabbos in a hotel, then the entire concept of sheva brachos gets debased and devalued.

I agree with you here. In my “circles” (I hate that term), what you describe is exactly how we make sheva brachos and it is lovely. Bring back the basic standards for all, I agree with you!! But it is still not cheap for the host, even if its potluck.

It is STILL a big ask. It is a lot to ask your sister in law to do. Seeing as I don’t know her - is she the type to be ok with having people come in for dessert on shabbos? Is she the type to stress out and feel she needs to hire a cleaning crew, arrange basic decorations, arrange her room so there is enough seating for the extra gas, etc.? Or is she laid-back and easy breezy like I am and seems you are?

Now you were adding additional details. It seems that bagels and potluck is what your family does for sheva brachos. Awesome! Thats great. Is this what you’re hoping to have for your son? That changes the ask somewhat. We still do not know your sister-in-law and if this is something that she would be willing to do. You are really the only person who knows that.


Last edited by watergirl on Thu, Jan 14 2021, 7:34 am; edited 1 time in total
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cuffs




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jan 14 2021, 7:23 am
I really think it's ok to ask your brother, "are you and your wife interested in hosting a sheva brochas? No pressure, I totally understand if not"
It doesn't have to be this huge ordeal. It can be something similar to a standard shabbos meal or a dairy buffet. It's standard in my family that we all share the cooking for get togethers, anyone that comes brings along a dish or 2.
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Another mom




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jan 14 2021, 9:43 am
If it wasn't Corona and I feel comfortable w the relative, I'd do exactly as ra_mom wrote.

MAZAL TOV and good luck with the simcha! Heart
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Simcha36




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Feb 04 2021, 1:32 pm
amother [ cornflower ] wrote:
Agree with watergirl. Big expense and a lot of work. Usually close relatives who are able will offer. If they haven't offered, they probably don't feel up to it.


Agree

But still OK to ask, in a way that they dont feel pressured.
"If you would consider hosting a sheva Brachos, monday night is still open".

If you feel they cant afford, or too difficult, of course I would NOT ask.

you can tell Chosson Kalla "Monday is still open". They may have friends/ relatives asking them

Mazal Tov!
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