S/o where do you and dh sit on Shabbos/ father-in-law

amother

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 1:39 pm

When your parents or in-laws come to visit, who sits at the head of the table, your husband (as the ba'al habayis) or your father/father in law, for kibbud av.
I've seen it both ways.
As an aside, if you grew up different than DH, and your father expected to sit at the head, but DH thinks it's his place, that could be awkward...

mirelcakes

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 1:43 pm

In that situation my father of fil sits at the head of the table. My husband and I were brought up the same way. When we other guest then it's always my husband sitting at the head of the table.

amother

Ivory

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 1:53 pm

Never does my husband seat elsewhere. No one would want to sit there instead of him. That's just strange imho. It's our house. Head of household sits at table.

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 2:16 pm

We are not so formal about head of the household stuff (for the record, there are two heads of household in my house, me AND dh, and we usually sit at the two heads of the table, but it's not set in stone).

When my parents were alive, they would sit on the side of the table, they didn't sit at the head, and neither do his when they come. In fact, his parents don't even have a head of table in their home (it's a square table), so although they are super traditional, there is no fuss over this aspect.

amother

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 2:22 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

Of course DH! And I get Challah and kiddush before his parents as well.

So interesting.
DH and I were raised the same. When the parent comes, he sits at the head. My father/fatherinlaw will make kiddush and cut the challa. When I serve, I serve the elders first, then my husband, or if possible, all get served at the same time (with the help of my kids).
I remember being very surprised when I was at my friend's fa house once and saw that her father in law sat at the side, while the son led the table.

amother

Wine

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 2:27 pm

If my parents or in laws visit, my dad/fil sits at the head of the table and they get served first. Respecting the elders doesn't become null and void after marriage. I'd be embarrassed if DH would would sit at the head of the table or give me challa first if my parents and in laws are eating with us.

LovesHashem

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 2:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

A man/woman must honor their spouse before their parents. That's what I always learned.

If the queen of England came over I'd serve my husband before her.

amother

Wine

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 2:36 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

A man/woman must honor their spouse before their parents. That's what I always learned.

If the queen of England came over I'd serve my husband before her.

But if the parents are staying by you, you should WANT to honor your parent before your spouse. Respecting parents should come naturally in normal situations and a spouse shouldn't feel resentful if their spouse is respecting their parents when their parents are visiting you.

amother

Wine

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 2:38 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

A man/woman must honor their spouse before their parents. That's what I always learned.

If the queen of England came over I'd serve my husband before her.

You're only saying this because you know it's never going to happen.

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 2:45 pm

I would serve my parents first.
The truth is we don't really serve at all, everything is brought family style to the table and each person serves him/herself. But if there was something to be served (soup, dessert) I would serve parents/inlaws first, as would dh (he also often serves soup/dessert).

nchr

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 2:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Father/father in law and I give mother/mother in law my place, but they are rarely ever guests by me.

GetReal

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 2:58 pm

DH sits in the middle of the table on one side every week with me across from him. More space for the kids to sit near us while still able to talk to guests. We usually visit parents/in laws vs having them come to us so I’m not sure but I assume they could have the head no problem Smile

simcha2

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 3:05 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

My parents and in laws would be horrified if dh (or I) gave up our makom kavua for them.
They would be so embarrassed. They are very comfortable to in our home. But they recognize it is "our" home.

The would see it not as kibud, but as chasing kibud.

We are incredibly respectful to our parents. Giving them our seats would be seen as the opposite.

amother

Brunette

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 3:11 pm

My husband always sits at his place at the head of the table. When his parents come, my FIL sits at the other end, which is also a head. My husband makes kiddush and hamotzi, but we do serve my FIL and MIL first. My father was niftar when I was newly married, so I'm not sure what the arrangement would if both my father and his father would be there.

amother

Slategray

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 3:11 pm

I've hosted my father before and he just sat himself at the head. I remember being a little indignant but my husband was not bothered one bit.

He's a great Talmud chacham but in his family, they are all huge learners and very respected all over the world. The only way he sticks out is in his own home but there it's also taken over by others ...

Not sure what I'll do when Fil comes. He sits at the head when his father visits but will see, whatever my husband decides.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 3:14 pm

We always offer father or fil to sit at the head. They usually decline and are happy to listen to DH kiddish and challa.

amother

Wine

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 3:14 pm

simcha2 wrote:

We should offer them the head of the table and they can reject it if they don't feel comfortable taking your place. My father doesn't chase kavod when we offer him the head of the table, that's us respecting him.
Chasing kavod would be him demanding to sit at the head.

keym

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 3:26 pm

By husband's grandparents ate by them almost every Shabbos when they were alive. Zaidy always sat on the other end of the table, opposite FIL.
So we do the same when my in-laws come. We offer them to make Kiddush, hamotzi and he always declines.
I instruct the kids to serve their father first. Dh offers his portion to his father and then his mother. They always refuse and get after us.

LovesHashem

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 3:59 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

No. My spouse is my partner, my best friend, and the Torah teaches us a man should leave his mother and find a woman to attach himself to. Me and my spouse are one unit.

I think the first time we had my in laws as over when we were newlyweds my mother in law reprimanded DH for trying to give them Challah before me. "You ALWAYS serve your wife first".

I respect my parents and in laws. But that doesn't mean that my spouse doesn't come before them.