Son asks for divorce when he doesn't get his way

amother

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 1:20 pm

Son is 10 and has ADHD. He still has some trouble controlling his emotional reactions, while he no longer gets physical, at this point he says upsetting things when stuff doesn't go his way. His latest thing is if me or dh discipline him, he'll turn to the other parent and demand we get divorced so that he doesn't have to see the parent he's currently angry at. Dh and I have a great marriage divorce is not even a speck of a cloud of a thought on anyone's mind and there's no reason for our kids to think or hope it would be. There is a lot of divorce in my family so my kids are well aware of the concept (my parents are divorced and my father is currently going through his third divorce. My father's parents divorced when he was a teen. Both my parents have siblings who are divorced). I know he's just saying it to make a scene when he's not getting his way, but it's still very disturbing to hear. Is this something we should address directly or just treat it as any other outburst? If it wasn't this, I'm sure he'd have some other upsetting way of expressing his frustration in these situations.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 1:30 pm

Wow! I have no advice but this sounds tough!!
My feeling would be to have a talk with him at a time when he is calm, maybe take him out for ice cream or something and share with him how upsetting it is to hear him say such a thing, and that it is not appropriate at all. And maybe teach him a different way to express his frustration...

imasinger

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 2:40 pm

Yes, you could model what you'd like to hear.

"Father, could you please divorce Mother so I don't have to deal with her being so mean to me?"

"DS, I love you very much, and I also love your mother very much. If you're angry at her punishment (or whatever) and you want some sympathy, the way to say it is, "I'm so frustrated and angry about X right now, I need someone to understand!"

You could also comfortably ignore in the moment, then offer sympathy later, when he's behaving decently again. It doesn't mean anything real, and like you said, he might replace it with something worse.

amother

Copper

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 2:44 pm

Treat it as any other rediculous request. " You are asking for us to divorce because you are so upset and frustrated about xyz, except that's not an appropriate request and divorce is private between husband and wife." Let's think together of other ways to deal with this frustration where we can both be happy.

Please read the explosive child book. It changed the way I parent my adhd child,w ho used to threaten suicide if he didn't get his way. He is missing skills of communication, patience, perspective taking, problem solving, and mood regulation so he chooses his most valuable weapon- asking for divorce. And boy is that effective! It makes such a scene! Makes parents upset and vulnerable!

The book is really helpful in how to deescalate these situations and helping your child come to a better conclusion. You are just facilitating the process and the child feels very empowered in a positive way when they are successful in solving they're own problems.

How is he in school?

amother

Burlywood

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 2:59 pm

Ignore the divorce thing.

"Oh, I see you're angry at Daddy. You'd rather not see him because you're angry at him".

"Let me help you express that to him,
(mimic kid's voice) "Daddy, I'm angry you don't let me play my computer game anymore! It makes me annoyed to have to stop!"

and then your dh should talk back to you ...

amother

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 3:56 pm

Thank you. I do have The Explosive Child, that's my go-to resource. It's very helpful, but everything is a work in progress. He does fine in school, he gets services so he has plenty of support in the classroom. I appreciate the scripts some of you gave me, I will try that next time it happens.

dankbar

Sun, Jan 17 2021, 4:26 pm

There are 3 things that come to mind.
1) it's a way to rouse your emotions so don't feed into it by becoming emotional about it & taking it personally.
2) he is trying to set up a triangular relationship, pitting one against the other & making you choose sides or test on which side you are, his or the parent that's angering him at the moment. You need to show a unified front & not get scared from his tactics. It's a way of testing the uncontidional love, if you are siding with the bad one, you are against me & I am allowed to go against you.
If you show him you love him & you will be disciplining him together with othet parent, he will feel more secure, than choosing sides.
3) maybe he has some anxiety regarding divorce if he sees it around.
Maybe you can explain to him what's going on around him on his level. He might also need the reassurance that it won't happen by you. Make sure to tell him that, It's not in the plan, so he shouldn't worry about it. ( even if he misbehaves, it won't make Dad & Mom go their own sep ways