Invitations: How to address non-binary invitees

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:04 pm

BH have a simcha coming up, and a close family friend recently began to self-identify as non-binary. What is the correct way to address invitations to them? Generally we are doing Mr. and Mrs. John Smith (insert appropriate title). What is the correct way to address someone who refers to themselves as “they”? This person still uses their birth name (female - think Sally, Annabelle, etc). M. Sally Smith? Just Sally Smith? TIA

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:06 pm

I’m not well versed in pronoun etiquette but the M. sounds ok to me.

Mazal tov!

jeweled

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:08 pm

Ask them how they want to be referred to formerly. Mazel tov!

amother

Blue

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:09 pm

devo1982

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:10 pm

I would just ask - "I want to respect the fact that you now identify as non-binary, what is your preferred greeting for an invitation (if any)?"

amother

Gold

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:10 pm

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

This

estherj

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:13 pm

jeweled wrote:

Ask them how they want to be referred to formerly. Mazel tov!

I think you meant formally?
If someone thinks they are Napoleon Bonaparte and asks to be referred to as His Imperial Majesty the Emperor I would humor him. I would do the same here.I am assuming there is no halachic issue with acknowledgment of her claim.

number

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:17 pm

Either mx or the first and last name.

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:27 pm

What does mx abbreviation mean?

challahchallah

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:27 pm

Not everyone non-binary uses Mx. Just ask them what they prefer, the same way you would just reach out if you didn’t know their current address or the name of their partner.

amother

Blue

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:30 pm

estherj wrote:

I laughed out loud! Reminds me of when someone addressed a wedding invitation to us as Rabbi and Rebbetzin ____ ________ esq to be” when my husband was in law school LOL

amother

Blue

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:33 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

What does mx abbreviation mean?

It’s like Mr/Mrs/Ms, but the letters after M are x-ed out

notshanarishona

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:33 pm

Just write their name if you want to be nice. Otherwise I would still write Ms. or whatever. The torah doesn’t have a name for “I decided I am a man”.

amother

Aqua

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:36 pm

If it were me, I would just do first name, last name. I wouldn't bother asking for any preferences.

No need to enable/encourage or even acknowledge this kind of thing....

amother

Mustard

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 5:39 pm

amother [ Aqua ] wrote:

If it were me, I would just do first name, last name. I wouldn't bother asking for any preferences.

No need to enable/encourage or even acknowledge this kind of thing....

Avoiding honorifics in general has something to be said for it. Then you don’t have to deal with figuring out which women want to be Mrs vs Ms, and which people with PhDs want to go by Dr, etc etc. However, you shouldn’t single out the non-binary guest to be the only person without an honorific unless they request it. That’s just rude.