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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Teen boys sharing trashy videos with each other
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 12:54 am
amother [ Magenta ] wrote:
Unfortunately this does nothing to prevent viewing of material that op is describing. The boys will still sneak it because it's tempting and their parents obviously don't allow it.


But at least they’ll be exposed to a movie with a little kissing instead of their only exposure to relations being a rape scene.
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amother
Pink


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 2:26 am
Mom with teen here. My teen is a very open minded curious boy , I know he watches movies with friends , the beginning was very hard for me to tolerate this being nervous what he watches , how much he knows, but it made me only sick to think about these things so bh ds has a mentor and his mentor is on top of ds phone , and on top of everything. ds likes him very much which is good so he gets to respect him and hears him out . Yes , I'm living with fear every day about my teen should stay in control with this nesoien most boys have . It's hard, it's tough, but these days unfortunately boys are exposed a lot . It's always good to find a mentor, chavrusa, someone that teens respect and will hear out . Let alone the smoking that's another issue ...
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 8:00 am
In a way, watching things like that within the context of a movie is worse, because it's easy to justify "It's just part of the plot."

No. Filth is filth. Whether it's a 5 minute clip on it's own, or 5 minutes in the context of a 2 hour movie, it's still filth.

Boys need to learn to respect women as individual, valuable equals, and they need to learn while they are young. They're not going to figure it out on their wedding day, if this is the sort of zex ed they've had fed into their brains from early puberty.

Try putting things a different way. Ask DH how he would feel if the women in these movies were his sisters, cousin, or mom. Would he still feel OK about that? Why do the movie women deserve less dignity and respect?

I am not a prude. I am not "ultra orthodox". I am a full grown 55 year old woman, and I've watched stuff. I don't like it for myself, but that's a matter of having a mature sensitivity that young boys don't have. I would NEVER want an impressionable teen with full blown hormones to see anything like that.

A teenage romance movie, with genuine affection, holding hands, and some kissing - fine. Anything more than that is TMI for someone who is still forming their view of the world.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 8:39 am
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
But at least they’ll be exposed to a movie with a little kissing instead of their only exposure to relations being a rape scene.


So much goes beyond a little kissing.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 8:50 am
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
But at least they’ll be exposed to a movie with a little kissing instead of their only exposure to relations being a rape scene.


If you want to give your kids a healthy outlook on physical relationships, do it by talking openly with them. If you want to show movies too, by all means do so. But movies are far from healthy sx and relationship education. We watch movies in our home (screened by me) but I'm certainly not relying on that for my kids to be exposed to physical relationships. I'm relying on my relationship with them for that.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 8:51 am
amother [ Beige ] wrote:
This makes me think how important it is to be the one teaching our kids age appropriate s*x ed. Once they hit puberty we should talk about the p*rn and its problems. If they get educated they could use their self control. They'll also have the correct outlook on healthy normal relationships.
Btw I am chasidish and we had unfiltered internet growing up. I had a very curious mind and had to understand everything. I ended up getting to some bad places.
If our kids will be exposed regardless to s*x and p*rn why shouldn't we teach them about it on our terms??


We should, and afaik gedolim recommend the same.
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 12:15 pm
I disagree with letting your kids watch these movies cuz what if they will end up watching it anyway. If you do it you are sanctioning it and making it an ok thing, like giving your hechscher on it. What the eyes see have a very strong affect on the heart and mind. We say it every day by shma.
Just because some boys will end up using drugs or smoking, should we encourage it and explain the ones that they can use that are not so terrible? just to prevent something worse from happening? I don't think this is the derech Hatorah. Ask your lor.
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amother
Orange


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 12:34 pm
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
But at least they’ll be exposed to a movie with a little kissing instead of their only exposure to relations being a rape scene.


So boys who watch kissing won’t watch other stuff?
Guys who watch movies with their wives - it prevents them from looking at [filth]?
I don’t get the connection of prevention.
Are boys thinking - my parents let me see couples kiss so I don’t have yetzer hara to watch movies my friends are passing around?
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 12:38 pm
amother [ Orange ] wrote:
So boys who watch kissing won’t watch other stuff?
Guys who watch movies with their wives - it prevents them from looking at [filth]?
I don’t get the connection of prevention.
Are boys thinking - my parents let me see couples kiss so I don’t have yetzer hara to watch movies my friends are passing around?


I don't think anyone thinks that.
But guys who watch regular teen flicks first, and then some young adult type of movies, get a different perspective on intimacy than p@rn gives. I would never say romance films are realistic, but at least they do emphasize the importance of winning a woman's heart, going slow, making sure your female partner desires you, etc.

Women are mere objects in p@rn, used for male release. I think it's much healthier for boys to see teen romances before they are exposed to that kind of stuff.
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amother
Orange


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 12:53 pm
amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:
I don't think anyone thinks that.
But guys who watch regular teen flicks first, and then some young adult type of movies, get a different perspective on intimacy than p@rn gives. I would never say romance films are realistic, but at least they do emphasize the importance of winning a woman's heart, going slow, making sure your female partner desires you, etc.

Women are mere objects in p@rn, used for male release. I think it's much healthier for boys to see teen romances before they are exposed to that kind of stuff.


So the idea is that parents know their children will see [filth] so want to show them fake romance before to give them both perspectives?

In my opinion romance is also so fake that it sets boys with unrealistic expectations of the meaning of falling in love and what it means and what a relationship looks like in real life. If it’s not like the movies it’s not true love.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 1:16 pm
amother [ Orange ] wrote:
So the idea is that parents know their children will see [filth] so want to show them fake romance before to give them both perspectives?

In my opinion romance is also so fake that it sets boys with unrealistic expectations of the meaning of falling in love and what it means and what a relationship looks like in real life. If it’s not like the movies it’s not true love.


I don't know, I'm not from that world. I wouldn't show my kids romance films if I were from a world where it's a no-no.

I'm just saying that if a teen is going to 100% see p@rn (and I am not convinced that is so, but let's assume), then it's better if he has seen some romance and teen films first. I wouldn't call them 'fake romance'. They portray the infatuation stage, which is an important part of falling in love. They also emphasize the importance of winning a woman over.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 1:45 pm
Neither of them are the values I would want my kids learning so nope.
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estherj




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 1:50 pm
Some of the views espoused on this thread have about as much to do with authentic Orthodox chinuch as Catholicism.
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amother
Orange


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 2:50 pm
estherj wrote:
Some of the views espoused on this thread have about as much to do with authentic Orthodox chinuch as Catholicism.


Just curious. Which parts are catholic and not Jewish?
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 2:54 pm
amother [ Orange ] wrote:
Just curious. Which parts are catholic and not Jewish?

I think you misread her, she was trying to say that the comparison between this discussion and Judaism is like comparing Catholicism to Judaism. I.e. worlds apart
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estherj




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 3:05 pm
amother [ Orchid ] wrote:
I think you misread her, she was trying to say that the comparison between this discussion and Judaism is like comparing Catholicism to Judaism. I.e. worlds apart

This
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 3:06 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yeshivish family here, no internet at home. Just found out my 15-year-old son's friends have been sharing movies with each other using sd cards. They can then watch on cameras or other devices that take sd cards. The movies are trashy movies but not technically filth. They feature rape scenes and orgies but it's within the context of an actual plot and those scenes are a small percentage of the overall movie.


This is what would worry me most of all, frankly more so than him watching actual consentual zex. This is normalization of rape, abuse, and s-xual coercion of women and it is unhealthy and horrible that this is what these boys are attracted to.

However you handle this, please also counteract that message. Your son needs to know that consenting zex between two married people is normal and a gift from Hashem, and that what he saw is abnormal and wrong. Now that he's been exposed you have to talk about zex now so he will have a healthy outlook. Honestly that might be what's upsetting him.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 5:16 pm
amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:
I don't think anyone thinks that.
But guys who watch regular teen flicks first, and then some young adult type of movies, get a different perspective on intimacy than p@rn gives. I would never say romance films are realistic, but at least they do emphasize the importance of winning a woman's heart, going slow, making sure your female partner desires you, etc.

Women are mere objects in p@rn, used for male release. I think it's much healthier for boys to see teen romances before they are exposed to that kind of stuff.


Ugh really? There is so so much wrong with the values in a teen flick as well. It's possible my kids will watch some, but it's certainly not something I would make sure they view. Seriously, the values are completely opposed to ours. Why can't you actually have ongoing discussion with your kids? Since when do you rely on hollywood to impart relationship values?
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 5:24 pm
I don't think watching romantic movies are educational, but at least they aren't destructive like p*rn watching is. I don't see the value in boys watching a romantic comedy or teen flick, but there are worse things, of course.

Personally, I think allowing kids to watch movies here and there (family friendly type) is a good idea, so they have a bit of an outlet with entertainment without it being a shameful secretive activity. And knowing they do get to indulge now and then will lessen them being desperate enough to resort to furtively watching decidedly unfriendly family type stuff.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 5:54 pm
amother [ Taupe ] wrote:
I don't think watching romantic movies are educational, but at least they aren't destructive like p*rn watching is. I don't see the value in boys watching a romantic comedy or teen flick, but there are worse things, of course.

Personally, I think allowing kids to watch movies here and there (family friendly type) is a good idea, so they have a bit of an outlet with entertainment without it being a shameful secretive activity. And knowing they do get to indulge now and then will lessen them being desperate enough to resort to furtively watching decidedly unfriendly family type stuff.


I'm really not convinced there's any connection. The desire for prn is completely different from the desire to watch neutral movies. Most of my friends and I were allowed to watch movies including pg-13 once we were preteens/teens. It didn't stop anyone from sneaking movies rated R and doing internet searches for worse.
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