Who died? s/o men-women in office

amother

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 10:22 pm

In the previous thread there was discussion of whether 'you look nice today' is flirting. I'm not addressing that--one ought not to make personal remarks of any sort, complimentary or otherwise, to a member of the opposite sx in the work setting.

In some offices with a fairly casual dress code, a worker will occasionally come in dressed rather more formally than usual, meaning a suit and tie for men. Usually it means they have a job interview, a meeting with some big shots or a public appearance of some sort. The jocose reaction is "who died or got married?" since, unlike women, men can wear the same kind of clothes to a funeral, wedding or business meeting.

So, do you think asking a coworker "Who died or got married?" is flirtatious? I'm not asking if you think the person in the suit thinks it's flirtatious, I'm asking what you think.

tigerwife

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 10:26 pm

Generally, I refrain from remarking on a guy’s clothing. It’s not particularly flirtatious, but it’s a little more personal than I like to get professionally.

singleagain

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 10:27 pm

I think it's just a way of initiating a conversation about something that is different than every other day.

I personally wouldn't do it because not everyone is comfortable sharing and that question might make someone feel put on the spot.

amother

Jade

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 10:33 pm

I think it's a personal question and something one should only ask to someone they're friendly with but it isn't flirting per se. Saying you look nice today is a compliment.

trixx

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 10:40 pm

It's not flirty, but it's personal.
I once commented on my not frum coworker wearing a tichel to work. I was like ooh what's the occasion, feeling so holy, etc. Turns out her grandmother had died.

singleagain

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 11:22 pm

Just wanted to add I would not specifically question why a person is wearing a garment.

I totally would compliment a garment perhaps even ask where it was bought.

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 11:28 pm

tigerwife wrote:

Generally, I refrain from remarking on a guy’s clothing. It’s not particularly flirtatious, but it’s a little more personal than I like to get professionally.

Same, and I don't comment on general appearance (haircut, etc). I find that if I'm not commenting on their appearance they are less likely to comment on mine.

amother

Cerise

Mon, Jan 18 2021, 11:49 pm

amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:

Same, and I don't comment on general appearance (haircut, etc). I find that if I'm not commenting on their appearance they are less likely to comment on mine.

In general, I woudn't, but some things it's rude if you DON'T comment. For example, if your co-worker had a full beard and comes clean shaven - it's weird if you don't acknowledge the change. Or if he dies his black hair blond, etc.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Jan 19 2021, 12:41 am

I wouldn't ask why someone is dressed differently in case he has a job interview somewhere else or some other personal event he doesn't want to discuss. But if he wears cargo pants and a t-shirt every day, it would be weird not to acknowledge the change. "I didn't know it was picture day" or something like that, so he he can respond however he feels comfortable.

DrMom

Tue, Jan 19 2021, 12:51 am

No, that is not flirting.

If that is someone's attempt to flirt, s/he will fail miserably.

It is perfectly normal to comment if a coworker shows up in dramatically different clothing one day.

What an oppressive work environment it would be if coworkers could not talk to each other like normal human beings without being accused of using zxual overtones.

imaima

Tue, Jan 19 2021, 1:35 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No, I don't think so, but I feel it's tacky. I would hate to hear that.

SacN

Tue, Jan 19 2021, 2:01 am

I try to avoid commenting on people's appearance but sometimes it's very obvious and would be weird.

Wow, no beard!
Did you get glasses?
You're dressed up!
Etc, are within what comfortable /professional to me.

You look lovely in a suit is a little too personal. But still, can be friendly without being flirting. I love your shoes, scarf, bag, etc I try to save for women colleagues and friends.

I love the Israeli "titchadesh" because it basically says, I noticed your change - enjoy it. Without saying oooooh, look at you! A haircut!

imaima

Tue, Jan 19 2021, 3:41 am

I have a bright yellow pullover.
Whenever I wear it someone comments, whether a colleague or a client. It always "brightens up their day".
I am fine with it.

essie14

Tue, Jan 19 2021, 4:39 am

I was working in Manhattan in a completely secular, corporate office.
I had a date right after work so I dressed up a bit more. I did get a few comments, because I generally wore very simple makeup to work, but nothing inappropriate. Just "oh, you look really nice today"
Compliments are not flirting.

amother

Aubergine

Tue, Jan 19 2021, 6:43 am

Ok now I’m confused. On this thread we agree compliments aren’t flirting. But on the other thread, it seems like that is.
How do I know if I’m being appropriate at work? I’m friendly with the men I work with but none of us ever say or do anything inappropriate. We’re all married.

imaima

Tue, Jan 19 2021, 6:54 am

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

If you don't make out with them, if they don't invite you on a date, if people don't laugh behind your back or roll their eyes, if you don't notice any othee verbal or nonverbal clues, then you are probably appropriate.