Covid consciousness vs mental health

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Forum -> Issues of Concern within Frum Society -> Coronavirus/ COVID19 Health Concerns

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amother

Sat, Jan 23 2021, 9:40 pm

Please only respond if you have taken covid seriously.

Our family has been very careful throughout the pandemic. We haven't seen any family (most out of the country anyway but even those close by). Now one of us has had it and the other is fully vaccinated. My son's yeshiva seems to have no guidelines whatsoever. How can I reconcile my personal beliefs that it is incumbent on all of us to be careful with my son's mental health. He has quarantined numerous times due to exposure within the yeshiva and once when a family member had covid.

I view it as a personal responsibility to others and to society as a whole. Despite how others have acted, I keep telling myself that I need to have a clear conscience and do the right thing. Now being careful is hurting my son. His mental health is plummeting. And nobody in his yeshiva seems to care. Please share your thoughts on how to balance this delicate matter. I already fear that I have caused irrecoverable damage to my teen.

PinkFridge

Sat, Jan 23 2021, 9:58 pm

OP, socially distanced hugs!
Is there anyone IRL you know who's like-minded enough that you can discuss this with?

amother

Sat, Jan 23 2021, 10:12 pm

Thanks pinkfridge for responding. There are basically only 2 people we have trusted during this pandemic. I guess I should asking them for their advice/opinion.

amother

Linen

Sat, Jan 23 2021, 10:22 pm

I'm very conscious of covid but also of mental health issues. I don't tell teens how and what to do. They go where they want masked or unmasked and I don't say a word. I only pray. And ask them to wash their hands when they come inside.

amother

Sat, Jan 23 2021, 10:29 pm

What do you mean linen amother? Do you send your teen to school if they were exposed to someone with covid? What if the school doesn't care? Obviously, this school's covid hashkafa is not in line with ours but covid was not one the criteria we were evaluating when we chose the school.

amother

Blonde

Sat, Jan 23 2021, 10:30 pm

I think it depends on how long the exposure was for, if a sibling has corona that is different then if your son was exposed to someone for 2 hours that had corona.

amother

Honeydew

Sat, Jan 23 2021, 10:36 pm

It's so hard we where very careful in the beginning a bit more relaxed in the summer but more careful then most. When it started getting bad again where I live we got more careful again . But my kids did get together with friends from school being careful what's the difference in school or out
We didn't really get together with anyone else my kids need it for there mental health.
I am Lucky my school has very strict rules so no one looks down on those being careful and kids wear masks in each other's houses . Now my husband got covid so we are in quarantine it so fustrating he was on a list for the vaccine. It's so hard I miss getting together with my friends we always wear masks and careful what we do I guess it just cought up to us.

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Jan 24 2021, 12:45 am

As humans we must always be moving forward. You did yesterday what you believed was right now it is time to reevaluate for tomorrow. Have an honest conversation with your son. Hear him out without judgement. See what the worst parts were for him. If needed involve a professional and a doctor and let him know that going forward things will be different.

ora_43

Sun, Jan 24 2021, 1:35 am

I'd talk to the rosh yeshiva. Yeshivas that are still open are mostly working with capsules. Boys who are exposed stay "quarantined" inside the yeshiva itself. IOW they don't worry about spread between the students, but they don't let the students leave, either.

If the yeshiva is doing that, and the issue is that you've been pulling your son out to quarantine at home whenever someone else gets sick, I'd ask him if he wants to stop doing that. He should be aware that, on the one hand, he's very low-risk, but on the other hand, there might be a vaccine soon that would have even lower risks.

OTOH, if you're asking if it's ok that your son who gets exposed at yeshiva leave yeshiva and wander around the community - nope, absolutely not, no way no how. You and your husband are immune, but plenty of people still aren't. Same answer if he personally would stay in the yeshiva post-exposure, but other students wouldn't be so responsible.

(BTW if you're in Israel and your son is 16-18 years old, check to see if he's eligible for the vaccine right now.)

ora_43

Sun, Jan 24 2021, 2:47 am

So just thinking about it more, the steps I think I'd take if the yeshiva isn't being responsible (ie, if there are no 'capsules' and they aren't just letting the students get it, they're letting the students go in and out of yeshiva):

1. Talk to the rosh yeshiva.

2. Talk to other parents, see if anyone would join you in pushing back. Even if it's just to get the yeshiva to 'allow' a handful of families to be responsible, ie for their sons to create a real, sealed capsule together.

3. Check with your doctor to see how soon your kid can get vaccinated.

4. If there's no way the yeshiva will change its policy, and no way he's getting vaccinated anytime soon, I'd seriously consider switching yeshivas. If he's at all open to that.

5. In the meantime, do whatever you can to get him to stay physically active, leave the house regularly, and be in contact with friends. And keep an eye out for any serious mental health symptoms, like loss of interest in daily activities, sleeping all the time, etc.

Sorry. It's a rough situation.

amother

Apricot

Sun, Jan 24 2021, 3:28 am

We have a similar situation with our daughter. We are taking full precautions and are very careful, while her h.s. does not take it seriously, and is taking none. It’s been something of a balancing act.

We told her she can mask and sd at school, or she can mask and sd at home. She chose to not mask and sd at school (so as not to be different from everyone else), but she did mask and sd everywhere outside school (including home). The only unmasked exposure she had was at school. Per advice of pediatrician, if she was exposed at school, she quarantined - except for going to school; with the rationale that the only place she was exposed was there, and everyone else there had had the same exposure, so keeping her home so as not to expose everyone, who had already been exposed, made no sense. She did quarantine, however, except for school (including from us).

When (as was inevitable given the lack of precautions at her school) she did come down with COVID, she isolated at home, and B”H, thanks to all the precautions we had been taking (both then and since she went back to school in September) noone else caught it from her. Our daughter is aware of our attitude towards COVID and responsibility and is a bit miffed with her school for putting her (and us) in this position, but overall - although it has been difficult - she seems to be doing OK. At school (only) she is allowed to do as her friends do, but at home and in the wider community, she has to be very careful, so as not to chas v’shalom be responsible for unintentionally passing on a potentially fatal disease to anyone else . . . I think allowing her to do what her friends do - while at school, is important for a teenager and shows her we care about her feelings, while having her take precautions everywhere else teaches her responsibility and caring for others (and keeps her from harming anyone else) . . .

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jan 24 2021, 5:46 am

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

Wait, she's refusing to mask and SD at school, she gets sick, and then she gets mad at the school and you?

Did I read that right, or am I missing something?

Just my parenting two cents, even though you didn't ask: Letting your teenager do something dangerous just because her friends do it is not what I call great chinuk. Instead, she could set an example and be a positive role model, maybe even inspiring her friends to care about other people's lives, too.

You can show her you care about her feelings, without allowing risky behavior. Show her you care about her health, and the health of others, and that is more important then "feelings".

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Jan 24 2021, 5:49 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Wait, she's refusing to mask and SD at school, she gets sick, and then she gets mad at the school and you?

Did I read that right, or am I missing something?

She is ~~mad~~ miffed that the school is not taking enough precautions.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jan 24 2021, 5:54 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

She is ~~mad~~ miffed that the school is not taking enough precautions.

OK, she's miffed, but she's refusing to take her own precautions. How does she figure the logic there?

(Silly question, I know. Teens don't "do" logic very well. That's why they still need parents and rules.)

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Jan 24 2021, 5:59 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

I don't see a contradiction. Said teen made a guided choice to act as her friends were while she was with them and suffer the consequences, but she still would have preferred her friends and school to behave differently on a collective level.

My sincere apologies to apricot for answering for you. If I am reading into your post, and this isn't what you meant please correct me.

imaima

Sun, Jan 24 2021, 6:02 am

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

I don't get it
She wore a mask at home for months? Every day and on weekend? But not in school, to be like her friends?

DrMom

Sun, Jan 24 2021, 6:40 am

It is horrible that some schools are acting so irresponsibly and putting parents in the awkward position of either playing Russian roulettes every time they send their child off the school, or looking for an entirely different school in the middle of the year.

amother

Violet

Sun, Jan 24 2021, 6:47 am

We’re being very careful and have a houseful of teens. It’s been hard for all of us dealing with the majority of people in our community not being careful. We’ve done a lot of talking about the whys and hows of what we’re doing, and talking about how it can be hard to go against what the majority are doing, but we follow our daas Torah and we do the right thing. I think it’s been a good opportunity for them to see us doing the hard thing because it’s right, but also not putting down others for making different choices. We talk a lot about how people’s different life circumstances and personalities can lead them to make different choices that may be right for them, with daas Torahor without. There are people who’ve been irresponsible during the pandemic and we’ve talked about that too, how sometimes people don’t do the right thing but we can try to see things from their perspective and be dan l’kaf zchus, and especially pointing out that we don’t know what’s really going on with a person.

PinkFridge

Sun, Jan 24 2021, 8:26 am

ora_43 wrote:

This is not the reality in many places chutz l'aretz.
No 20 questions please.

amother

Apricot

Sun, Jan 24 2021, 8:59 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Exactly.

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