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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Manipulation or distress
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Feb 01 2021, 8:15 pm
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
So is the distress that is leading to the meltdown his inability to get his fix on the tablet? Or is he distressed about other things, and he wants the tablet as a healthy outlet to calm himself down?


The latter.
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amother
Puce


 

Post Mon, Feb 01 2021, 8:17 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
The latter.
So then what’s the issue? You don’t like him calming down with a tablet?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Feb 01 2021, 8:33 pm
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
So then what’s the issue? You don’t like him calming down with a tablet?


No. In general it's a treat. So he gets rewarded for having a meltdown. That's why I insist he calms down first so at least it's a partially a reward for calming down. A lot of times he will allow me to hug him or read to him to help him calm down. It's not always enough...I'm not making the problem worse? It's not the end of the world if he plays a game for 30 minutes...
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:21 am
Using the tablet as a regulating medium is going down a very unhealthy path.
I’ve found that stopping it cold turkey was the only way to go with such a type of child.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:27 am
OP, how old is your son?

It makes a big difference if he's 7, or 17.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:28 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
OP, how old is your son?

It makes a big difference if he's 7, or 17.


In between. Closer to 7.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:42 am
It sounds like it might be a good idea to read a book about the ADHD brain or about parenting ADHD children. I don't know a specific one. I think people like Dr. Amen's books.

Does anyone have a book recommendation for OP?
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 9:53 am
Thank you OP for starting this thread.
I have 9yo ds who sounds like he has same issue. He gets disregulated so quickly and he has such a low frustration level. What you said about him crying for an hour over sth you said to your other child sounds like something that could happen here too.
And he behaves the same way with the tablet too. I find everything he does all day revolves around him figuring out when he will get to have the tablet next. I find myself allowing him to have it too often because often it is the only thing that will calm him down.
He was actually doing so much better in this respect after we worked with a therapist last year. Right now schools here are all closed due to covid, and he is spiralling so quickly it is really scaring me.
I'm following all the responses here, they are helping me too.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:10 am
Random idea: could you interest him in something productive as an incentive/reward, rather than something destructive like a tablet? My 9 YO DS really enjoys simple, directed baking and it makes him feel so good about himself. For example, I'll tell him something like: after you eat lunch you can make pizza dough, after you tidy up your room you can use the waffle maker, etc. He makes Duncan Hines cake mixes too. I'm in the kitchen doing other things meanwhile, and he consults me on the steps. If applicable I would print out a simple recipe, so he has that to follow as well.

It could even work with cleaning, for example washing dishes, vacuuming. If it's something they don't usually do, it can be exciting for them. And same idea: you're around doing other stuff and you direct them or are available for consultation.

I think with these kids we have to believe in them and their capabilities and not "dumb them down", as if they're incapable of contributing and the most we can expect of them is to try to calm down and play nicely. Kids thrive on responsibility and contribution to the family. It really brings out the best in them.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 11:11 am
Amother plum does your kid have ADHD bec one of the symptoms is lack of motivation. I need to pay my kid to do any chore.
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amother
Puce


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 2:02 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Amother plum does your kid have ADHD bec one of the symptoms is lack of motivation. I need to pay my kid to do any chore.
Its all about what makes them tick, for some it will be money for some it will be other privileges.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 2:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
No. In general it's a treat. So he gets rewarded for having a meltdown. That's why I insist he calms down first so at least it's a partially a reward for calming down. A lot of times he will allow me to hug him or read to him to help him calm down. It's not always enough...I'm not making the problem worse? It's not the end of the world if he plays a game for 30 minutes...


Amother puce what do you think?
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amother
Plum


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 2:51 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Amother plum does your kid have ADHD bec one of the symptoms is lack of motivation. I need to pay my kid to do any chore.

I don't think he has full ADHD but it does run in the family and I do see some inattentive traits.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 2:53 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Amother plum does your kid have ADHD bec one of the symptoms is lack of motivation. I need to pay my kid to do any chore.

It's how you package it...for my son, making pizza dough is not a chore, it's an exciting project. And he definitely wants to eat the fresh pizza Smile
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amother
Puce


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 2:57 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Amother puce what do you think?
My concern is not so much rewarding bad behavior as much as using electronics as a means to self regulate when it is already an object of obsession. Doesn’t sound very healthy to me.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 3:10 pm
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
My concern is not so much rewarding bad behavior as much as using electronics as a means to self regulate when it is already an object of obsession. Doesn’t sound very healthy to me.


Ok Thanks for the insight. Then telling him he has to calm himself down first is a good idea, and not allowing it every time. And trying to get him into therapy fast!
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amother
Puce


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 3:16 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ok Thanks for the insight. Then telling him he has to calm himself down first is a good idea, and not allowing it every time. And trying to get him into therapy fast!
I would try to keep the tablet privileges very separate from his meltdowns. Not as punishment. Just so it doesn’t become reinforced. And obviously try to find other things that can help him learn to calm down.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 3:16 pm
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
I would try to keep the tablet privileges very separate from his meltdowns. Not as punishment. Just so it doesn’t become reinforced. And obviously try to find other things that can help him learn to calm down.


Ok. Will try.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 4:14 pm
amother [ Plum ] wrote:
Random idea: could you interest him in something productive as an incentive/reward, rather than something destructive like a tablet? My 9 YO DS really enjoys simple, directed baking and it makes him feel so good about himself. For example, I'll tell him something like: after you eat lunch you can make pizza dough, after you tidy up your room you can use the waffle maker, etc. He makes Duncan Hines cake mixes too. I'm in the kitchen doing other things meanwhile, and he consults me on the steps. If applicable I would print out a simple recipe, so he has that to follow as well.

It could even work with cleaning, for example washing dishes, vacuuming. If it's something they don't usually do, it can be exciting for them. And same idea: you're around doing other stuff and you direct them or are available for consultation.

I think with these kids we have to believe in them and their capabilities and not "dumb them down", as if they're incapable of contributing and the most we can expect of them is to try to calm down and play nicely. Kids thrive on responsibility and contribution to the family. It really brings out the best in them.


I really like what you've posted here. Especially the bolded part I used to see that so clearly with my son.
But lately even activities that he previously enjoyed he has no interest in. He has no motivation to do anything. If I finally convince him to do something, within 10 min he is in a meltdown because it's not working out perfectly. So most of the day is him crying that he's bored, fighting with siblings, or nagging for the tablet. And like op I give the tablet, but try to separate it from his behaviour. It doesn't always work though.
Charts and all that stuff doesn't work with him either, it becomes another thing for him to obsess over and then cry for hours when he doesn't achieve every tick or whatever.
So how do I motivate him to try, even if the results wont be perfect ?
(Sorry OP if I am hijacking)
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 4:18 pm
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
I would try to keep the tablet privileges very separate from his meltdowns. Not as punishment. Just so it doesn’t become reinforced. And obviously try to find other things that can help him learn to calm down.


Just something that ds came up with himself recently, so putting it out here in case it works for your son too. He told me he finds baths are very calming for him. He fills it nearly to the top, and relaxes for up to half hour. And I do see a difference in him afterwards.
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