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Forum -> Parenting our children
Please help me be a better mother when I’m exhausted
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:01 pm
Some things that worked for me. Having them do quiet activities in bed while you put the baby to sleep. Looking at books, playing with a small toy. I found my kids got more riled up from bedtime routines that lasted more than 5 minutes and they were better off just relaxing in bed alone. Also for the 4 year old maybe have her choose 2 soft, quiet toys to take to bed every night. She can play with those and is less likely to disturb her sibling.

And most of all you are normal. I want to say all but I will say majority of mothers lose it at some point. Anyone who pretends to always have things under control is lying.
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Kiwi13




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:04 pm
Another vote for staggering bedtimes. It revolutionized bedtime for my 3yo and 5yo boys who share a room.
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:06 pm
You are not the worst mother.

You are exhausted.

Must brainstorm how to make bedtime easier.

Buy a yummy candy with small pieces, like jelly beans or m & m.

Put 8 candies in a baggy with each child's name.

Tell children each time they misbehave by bedtime (come out of bed) they lose one candy.

They can have remaining candies in morning, for school snack.

Hatzlochah.

Also, maybe you can alternate with DH doing bedtime?

On nights you are off-duty, go into your bed and read a book and eat some chocolate...
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:12 pm
So many hugs!!
I was hit and abused as a child but my parents were nothing like you.
You care and are trying to find a solution and that's what is the game changer!!
You sound like a normal but overwhelmed mom.
Just a thought. Is it possible to put one of them in the babies room?
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amother
Black


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:14 pm
Ok I went through this stage recently with my 3 yo.
I posted here about it too.
Here's what helped:
For a few nights (after I put the baby to bed and my 6 yo in bedroom with music; I had Dh home with them) I took him on driving errands (target pickup or getting gas) so he fell asleep or was very tired when we got home, and just transferred him to bed.
After doing this for a week he actually began going to bed earlier.
Another idea is to put baby to bed and then take 4 yo downstairs (if you have a downstairs) to do quiet things, or listen to a story CD, or let her fall asleep in your room if that works. Then transfer her to her bed.
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:15 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you, the way you wrote this was so sensitive and caring, especially when I’m feeling so sad right now, seriously wanting to go to sleep and never wake up after what j went through tonight. So thank you again for your kind words. I may look into some audible cds. We currently use a noise machine with music but one wants it and one doesn’t so it’s always an ongoing battle with that.

You're welcome! Believe me, most of us know what it's like!

Here's a CD I would recommend: https://www.amazon.com/gp/prod.....46dc7

It's a frum relaxation CD but it does have a lady's voice doing the narration so your dh might think it's a little weird LOL depending on his personality

Lots of people are recommending putting the 4 yo to bed separately. Is that something you think could work? You could put her in your bed and then transfer her.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:22 pm
Is there anyway to get a break during the day? I would dip into savings for this if that’s a possibility. It sounds like you really need help which is normal given how much is on your plate
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:25 pm
amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:
Please stop slapping your children. They will grow to fear you and resent you. I was abused as a child and still have nightmares about it, among other issues. There are parent hotlines out there you can call when you’re frustrated. Just walk away, hide in a closet, whatever you need to do.


I’m so sorry to hear this. I do everything fir my kids and I am extremely close with them. I hate myself for losing my temper and hitting AND THERES NO EXCUSE FOR IT but I do not think they will ever fear or resent me. My kids loving being home and love being around me. In fact, they don’t give me an ounce of space to do anything because I literally serve food, help them with school work, and play with them ALL DAY which is why by 8:30/9pm I’ve usually reached my breaking point if they are still not leaving me alone to finish cleaning up the house and preparing their mitzvah notes, lunches, and snacks for the next day.
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:27 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I’m so sorry to hear this. I do everything fir my kids and I am extremely close with them. I hate myself for losing my temper and hitting AND THERES NO EXCUSE FOR IT but I do not think they will ever fear or resent me. My kids loving being home and love being around me. In fact, they don’t give me an ounce of space to do anything because I literally serve food, help them with school work, and play with them ALL DAY which is why by 8:30/9pm I’ve usually reached my breaking point if they are still not leaving me alone to finish cleaning up the house and preparing their mitzvah notes, lunches, and snacks for the next day.


Of Course your kids love being with you.

That is why bedtime is so hard. Your kids do not want the day to end, want more Mommy time.
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:28 pm
I have a 6 y.o a 4 y.o and a baby!!! My 4 year old is super challenging. Has OT issues and a lot of time has energy that hasn’t been exerted that she NEEDS to get out and it can make bedtime literally he*l. So I relate very much to everything u wrote. My 4 year old can be so triggering sometimes too so I know what u mean about the hitting etc. as much as I never want to do it sometimes if you press enough buttons it’s almost impossible to control to the point that I’ve locked myself in a room with my 3 kids with no parent just to calm down from those escalations...

My bedtime routine is bath, we come down and we have a snack and each kids picks a game. Both kids know that the game is contingent on good behavior and I’ve taken it away if the night before one kid was misbehaving. We play the game. It’s very calming usually (not always!!) and then we go upstairs, we say shma, each kid gets a book. We alternate who gets the book 1st and then we have a very strict policy about not coming out. My kids get a “prize” fri night after I light candles if they don’t come out. If they do they loose the privilege for that week.

Here are so ideas that might work for u. If ur 4 year old needs to exert energy- consider a massage before bedtime or even like an hour before let them jump on the beds so they tire themselves out (learned these tricks from the OT)
I also use melotonin when I need it. I buy it on amazon. 1 mg is enough or even half (500 micrograms)
Incentives and charts are your best friend. Think of something your kids will really enjoy. Talk to them about it over dinner when it’s calm and before things get chaotic. For reference, I put my kids to sleep at 7:30 and they have a clock in their room that turns green at 7 am and that’s when they can come out. My older one is usually up at 6:30ish. 4 year old wakes around 7-7:15
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:32 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
Of Course your kids love being with you.

That is why bedtime is so hard. Your kids do not want the day to end, want more Mommy time.


I agree. They do not want the day to end and my 4 year old does anything to stay up longer and longer.
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honeymoon




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:45 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I agree. They do not want the day to end and my 4 year old does anything to stay up longer and longer.


Do they have a routine to help them settle down and ease their mind and body into a relaxed enough mode for sleep?

Starting from an hour before bedtime, try giving your kids books or any other calming activities. limit all screens and sugar. Close some of the lights in the house and give them advance notice that bedtime will be happening in 20 minutes, then 10 minutes..

The trick is to ease their body into sleep mode so that once they hit their beds they are calm and ready to fall asleep within 10 minutes. Otherwise they spend too much time trying to fall asleep and bed becomes a boring and frustrating place, instead of a cozy, inviting one.

You are an awesome mother.

Tell it to yourself every time your kid comes out of bed. Tell it to yourself each time you are teetering at the edge of your sanity and patience. Tell it to yourself over and over, because it is the absolute truth.
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sweet




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:46 pm
Can you nurse the baby while you sit/lay with your 4 year old ?
I used to do that last year it definitely got my now 4 year old to settle down and fall asleep..

(Now that I have a 1 year old that's not always asleep at 8 -depending on his nap. I started counting to 100 with my 4 yr old and that's when I leave the room. After shma and a book..)

And then the older one can go to sleep.


Last edited by sweet on Tue, Feb 02 2021, 11:11 pm; edited 1 time in total
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perquacky




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:50 pm
9:00 seems very late to put a 4-year-old to bed. Could she be overtired and is acting up?
Maybe try putting her to bed an hour before her older sibling. If she's alone in the room, she might fall asleep faster.
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 10:50 pm
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
...
My bedtime routine is bath, we come down and we have a snack and each kids picks a game. Both kids know that the game is contingent on good behavior and I’ve taken it away if the night before one kid was misbehaving. We play the game. It’s very calming usually (not always!!) and then we go upstairs, we say shma, each kid gets a book. We alternate who gets the book 1st and then we have a very strict policy about not coming out. My kids get a “prize” fri night after I light candles if they don’t come out. If they do they loose the privilege for that week.
...


Why do some of these bedtime routines sound so long? Here's my bedtime routine for 4 yo and 2 yo:

6:45 (ideally) is bath time, then pajamas and teeth brushing. Whoever is ready first gets to pick the book.

I read ONE book, and if it's too late because they weren't cooperative I don't read at all, I tell them we don't have time for a book anymore. They used to whine for more than one book and still do occasionally, but they basically know by now that it's one book. I read them the book while they're in their beds with the light off, and a small shabbos lamp on for the night.

Then shema and a special song we made up, I put on the noise machine, kiss them goodnight, and zehu. My aimed-for bedtime is 7:30. The next kid up does not go to sleep at the same time as them, which makes it easier.

Once in awhile they do give me trouble. Usually if there's trouble I'll sit OUTSIDE their door (not in the room) to make sure they don't come out. If they're talking, I'll give them something quiet to do in their beds.

If your dd is really not tired and still wild after shema, if I were you I might sit on her bed and give her a massage until she's sleepy.

ETA I put my baby to sleep after the 2 little kids. The baby doesn't sleep through the night anyway, so the later to bed, the more sleep I myself will get.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 11:11 pm
amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:
So many hugs!!
I was hit and abused as a child but my parents were nothing like you.
You care and are trying to find a solution and that's what is the game changer!!
You sound like a normal but overwhelmed mom.
Just a thought. Is it possible to put one of them in the babies room?


So many hugs back to you too! Brings tears to my eyes to think of any child being abused in any way. So sorry to hear this happened to you:( I was hurt by the comment to “stop hitting or my kids will fear or resent me” because of course that’s my biggest fear!) But deep down I know that would never ever happen because they know how much I love them and how special they are to me. They get ample praise, encouragement, smiles, hugs, kisses, and I love you’s to over power any memory of the few nights mommy had to act scary and even potch when we weren’t listening to her even though she was telling us how important it is to get a good night sleep so we can function properly the next day.

Sometimes I feel like I have to act scary because nothing else is working and I’m exhausted. I def want to look into melatonin and will ask pediatrician if he recommends I try it. I think my 4 year old could really use help in the sleeping dept.

Also, my siblings and I are all really close to our mother, she’s seriously my best friend. And I remember a few occasions my mother lost it with us and even potched- was usually when we were fighting with each other and my father was working late and my mother had no help. My mother still tells me she regrets and feels terrible and I always tell her not to and that we deserved it and had the best childhood abd the best mother. My mother did absolutely everything for us and that’s what I remember. So I hope to find a solution and work on myself and my patience at nighttime despite my exhaustion so that my kids will only remember the good!!
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 11:26 pm
You're not the worst mother. Let's start there.
You need some new tools.
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 11:29 pm
Melatonin really did the trick for me BH. I give it to two children, a minimal amount (chapter one gummies from Amazon, cut into 8ths), and discussed it with two pediatricians, both said it's totally fine. I wouldn't mind weaning them off of it now and I skip it every so often to check. One will fall asleep without it, one still won't.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 11:41 pm
amother [ Mustard ] wrote:
Melatonin really did the trick for me BH. I give it to two children, a minimal amount (chapter one gummies from Amazon, cut into 8ths), and discussed it with two pediatricians, both said it's totally fine. I wouldn't mind weaning them off of it now and I skip it every so often to check. One will fall asleep without it, one still won't.


Is it safe to give every night?
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Feb 02 2021, 11:48 pm
Which melatonin gummies are kosher?
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