How do you handle the mornings?

nmf2010

Thu, Feb 04 2021, 11:13 am

Lately I've been having so much trouble with my DS9 with ADHD. In the last few weeks, there has been 1!!! morning that didn't end with either me in tears or him banished to his room because he was behaving in an inacceptable way (shouting at everyone, hurting his siblings etc etc).

I am constantly losing my temper with him and hating myself for my lack of control. I am filled with negative feelings for him and wish he weren't my son. And that makes me hate myself more - how can a mother not love her child???

And all of this while trying to get another 3 kids ready for school, and myself ready for work. These negative feelings and interactions keep eating at me the whole day until I just want to explode.

And then it all starts again the next morning!

I really feel like I'm doing my best to keep myself in a healthy and happy mood. I start every morning with a smile on my face. But he just comes out of his room in the morning trying to make me mad. Yesterday he said straight out "I want you to have a bad morning".

How do other women deal with this?? I can't be the only one dealing with this kind of situation and these kinds of feelings.

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Feb 04 2021, 11:32 am

Mornings are hard!!! My dh leaves at 7:40 am and I have to get 4 kids aged 7 and younger out the door and myself out to work. I do literally everything the night before besides dress and feed the kids breakfast. I do set out all kids clothing the night before. I even set everyone's coat backpack and mask on a dining room chair so its all there and easily accessible. I always say my mornings have no margin of error. Sorry no advice on bad behavior but I found the less things I do in the morning the more calm and not rushed I am so I have more patience for my kids.

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Feb 04 2021, 4:40 pm

I wake my kids early enough so they have plenty time to get ready really slow.
Another 20 min of sleep won’t help much, but it makes a huge difference in the morning rush when I wake them 20-30 min earlier.
I give my kids a full 1 and half hours to get ready.

amother

Green

Thu, Feb 04 2021, 4:49 pm

I also used to have a super difficult time in the mornings. It used to be very stressful. This is the routine that we’ve implemented the past few months, and it’s worked wonders: my kids all wake up around 6:30, and carpool comes around 8:30. They have from 6:30-7:30 to do all of their morning “chores” - get dressed, negel vasser, brush teeth, eat breakfast and most importantly - NOT FIGHT!! If they can manage that, they watch on Netflix from 7:30-8:30. This has worked wonders and really transformed my mornings. I have four boys, ages 8 and down. If they fight, they lose ten mins of watching etc. that has only happened a couple times.

amother

Blonde

Thu, Feb 04 2021, 8:35 pm

Oh they are a nightmare. My daughter is 8 and has full blown tantrums in the morning. She’s not even on stimulants anymore, she’s on strattera so there’s really no reason for it. Other than the fact that it takes her forever to fall asleep and the psychiatrist insists she doesn’t have a sleep disorder because it’s ok if she sleeps 9 hours a night.

amother

Olive

Thu, Feb 04 2021, 9:40 pm

OP that is so hard! Be kind to yourself it’s a real challenge. Please don’t eat yourself up - I know I always do that after a difficult interaction with a child and it’s Almost more painful than the original interaction.
I like the ideas some women here had; I hope they will help you.

Some other ideas - I don’t know if they will help-
Is her the type that you can problem solve with at a different calm time?
Is there an option to get a mother’s helper in the morning- either just for him, or for the other kids so you could focus on him?
What if he watches movies while getting dressed/ doing his chores?
You sound like a very good mother.

amother

Ecru

Thu, Feb 04 2021, 9:55 pm

Oh I have a child like that. Super hard and feels so deflating. I've really found the key is to rise above the yelling chutzpah, horrible stuff coming out of his mouth. Totally easier said than done. Focus on relationship. Cuddle him. Wrestle him. Do karate chops with him. give him a treat. Look for the positive..bring him a sip of your coffee special for himin the morning.

Read the explosive child. read nurtured heart approach. No easy fixes but slow and easy the main thing is your relationship- this will be the thing that can enable this child to improve. Avoid the power struggles. Hatzlacha. So hard but we can do this! Special mommas get these kids!!

amother

Cyan

Tue, Mar 02 2021, 9:46 am

OP I just came here to start such a thread. But now there’s no need to, you said it all.

I am wiped out and want to run away. I want to cry but I’m too overwhelmed to cry.

To all suggesting logical talks and solutions, I think it’s safe to say you don’t have a child with serious ADHD. They don’t follow logic. They cannot even hear you when you speak. My son B”H does pretty well in school while on meds, but he can’t take his meds before eating, and the eating just doesn’t happen in the morning! So I can’t give him his meds early in the morning since he hasn’t eaten. He acts seriously insane, verbally, physically, turning the house over.

He had therapy for a while. But it didn’t help much, if at all. Because he can’t even use his brain logically when he’s not on medication.

And no, it’s not PANDAS. He’s always been this way. Yes always. I remember mothers telling me when he was two that it’ll get better. No. It only gets worse as they get smarter and stronger.

I have no strength left. I can’t do this anymore. And it hurts me because beneath all this, he’s such a sweetheart.

Mama Bear

Tue, Mar 02 2021, 9:55 am

I'm an adult with ADHD and I have a hard time handling mornings. The rush, the deadlines, the noise, and I'm not a morning person. Once the kids go to their buses and I sit down with my coffee (and Adderall) I'm finally a mensch. It's really, really hard for your son. I don't have any advice, just giving you a bit of insight of how hard it's for him to cope with all the overwhelming sensory overstimulation, esp if he's not a morning person.

amother

Cyan

Tue, Mar 02 2021, 10:07 am

Mama Bear wrote:

Oh I know... I have ADHD as well. So I understand a lot of it. But I don’t have the physical ADHD, and he has a triple dose. It’s the physical part that’s so so hard and causes so much chaos.

Mama Bear

Tue, Mar 02 2021, 10:17 am

it must be REALLY hard. My teenage son has a bit of adhd himself, and on the rare morning he is home when I have to get my 7 yr old on the bus (like on shushan purim), it's impossible. He teases him, physically and verbally, and just makes a mess of things, when I'm half-asleep and need my coffee asap and have to get the little one out, but the big one just keeps provoking him.... aahhhh, no, I'm not proud of the things that come out of my mouth at such times. we're humans. gahhhh.

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Mar 02 2021, 10:23 am

With his psychiatrists approval I give my son his vyvanse at 7 , he wakes up, swallows it, and goes back to sleep until 8. When he gets up at 8 he's an absolute pleasure, very focused gets dressed quickly eats and gets to school. Apparently many college students and adults do that as well, its called the vyvanse nap. I'm not joking- if I didnt do it this way he wouldn't get to school until 11:30 and we'd both be in tears every single morning , his adhd is insanely intense.

amother

Cyan

Tue, Mar 02 2021, 10:34 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

Does Vyvanse not affect appetite? The reason I can’t give his Adderall before eating is because if he takes it on an empty stomach, he gets nauseous and doesn’t eat all day afterwards. But if Vyvanse doesn’t do that, I may consider switching.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Mar 02 2021, 10:42 am

You need to get him his meds ASAP in the morning with something to eat and then let it kick in before you have him get dressed/etc....
Maybe try some type of reward system until this becomes habit.

amother

Cyan

Tue, Mar 02 2021, 11:04 am

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

You need to get him his meds ASAP in the morning with something to eat and then let it kick in before you have him get dressed/etc....
Maybe try some type of reward system until this becomes habit.

That’s part of the problem. Before his meds kick in, he cannot even focus on eating. Which means he cannot take his meds yet, which in turn makes it difficult for him to focus on eating. It’s a vicious cycle that I wish I knew how to solve.

amother

Oak

Tue, Mar 02 2021, 11:53 am

Because of DC7 with ADHD, we have a very repetitive morning routine, combined with a token economy. One of the target behaviors the token economy rewards is getting dressed and ready in the morning.

That being said, DC7 shares a room with DC5, and they do sometimes fight during the mornings. Also, sometimes they distract each other and play or goof around when they should be getting dressed. DH and I do sometimes have to prod them along (verbally, not physically). So it's far from perfect. But we get out the door on time consistently with a lot less parental involvement than before.