DH gets physical when he's angry

amother

Tan

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 12:46 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I choose my children over him every time. And now he tells me that I don't respect him.

I think you should reach out to a professional or a Rav for guidance and advice.

amother

Aqua

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 12:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I choose my children over him every time. And now he tells me that I don't respect him.

We begged my mom to leave him. We begged her. Standing in the line of fire and yelling back does not protect your children. We begged her.

There was always a different excuse.
He'll come after us and I'm scared.
I'm the earner, and I can't leave him without any money.
It will ruin your shidduchim.
Etc.

Until finally I realized that mom is caught up in her own drama, and simply didn't want to leave, consciously or unconsciously. Instead of taking care of us the way she needed to, instead of leaving him and protecting us, she chose to stay with him, and keep us there too, because she couldn't face the consequences of doing otherwise.

That's an undeniable fact. And I hold her responsible for her actions.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 12:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The best I can think of is that I make sure that I am always around when he's home so that I can diffuse the tension before he reacts. Is that what protecting the children would mean?

This says it all. You are not comfortable leaving your husband alone with your kids. Saying it's not ok in front of the kids and then having him repeat the same behavior shows your kids weakness and an inability to protect them. This is very harmful to their image of you and him as parents. If you want to stop it, you need to be serious. Go to counseling, talk to a Rav, call the police, but don't tell him not to do it in front of the kids and then have him touch them again, proving that your word is powerless.

Rappel

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 12:53 pm

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

The mother let it happen. Askanim and CPS were involved and all kids are living with foster families.
If you don't want this to happen to your family, take action now.

This is an important factor. If the nonabusive spouse stays with the abuser, then neither of them retain custody when things come out. If the nonabusive spouse is separated from the abuser, then s/he keeps the kids.

amother

Seashell

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 12:53 pm

I would go together with him to a therapist who deals with this. You can tell him it’s because you want to prioritize him in a way that is safe and works for strengthening your marriage and your whole family.
Hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Seashell

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 12:57 pm

A therapist can help you all reframe in a healthy way- you are not choosing your children over him when he gets violent rsther you are not allowing any violence in your home and protecting children who are too young to do so themselves.
When you stop his violence you are also protecting him as well.
Please get professional help for your family.

amother

Olive

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 1:02 pm

My father was violent and my mother did nothing about it. Said she was too stunned by hs behavior to react. Wrong answer.

None of my siblings have normal relationships, neither do I. Because of this.

Staying under the same roof as someone who hurts your children is child abuse in itself. You clearly know this, why you asked us for advice. Find help, make a plan, end this before it destroys everything.

Rappel

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 1:03 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If we would divorce, he would still have custody. I am not speaking about severe violence that would disqualify him as a parent.

Can you give an example of what he did/would do?

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 1:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If we would divorce, he would still have custody. I am not speaking about severe violence that would disqualify him as a parent.

But OP, dont make light of this all. Its obviously severe enough that you posted about it Sad

amother

Tan

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 1:07 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If we would divorce, he would still have custody. I am not speaking about severe violence that would disqualify him as a parent.

There are options other than divorce. If you don't want divorce to be an option, you need to get proper help now. If you have a calm discussion when he's calm and fine and you tell him that if he doesn't get help you'll leave with the kids, how does he react? Can you have a normal discussion with him when he's not angry?
If he's hurting your kids to the point of you contemplating divorce, he may lose custody or only have supervised visitation.
Does he hurt you as well?

amother

Brown

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 1:18 pm

You cannot always be available

He can change. He needs to learn to take a 10 second break when the kids are acting like bliss. Even disrespectful kids don’t deserve impulsive punishments.

Impulse punishment is bad parenting.

Buy him CD or however he listens to things in his car on parenting from rabbeim.
Tell him Rav Elyah Lopian would wait 3 days to discipline his kids because punishment should never come from anger.
Get him the book “are your hands full” it’s a great parenting book.
Read it with him. Doing it together may encourage him to actually change.

Kids should not be fearful on their parents in this way. They won’t open up to him when they’re older.

amother

Olive

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 1:21 pm

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

They won’t open up to him when they’re older.

That's the least thing that happens when parents are abusive.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 1:49 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

exactly this. I posted above that my FIL was this way. My husband is not able to emotionally regulate and our marriage suffers greatly because of this. And each of his siblings have very not normal relationships as well. And none of them can emotionally regulate either.
It effects them completely.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 1:53 pm

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

Huh? What does this have to do with anything? My husband's father is / was abusive. He never opened up to his father back then and surely not now. Its not something one connects with an abusive parent.

imasinger

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 1:58 pm

You have stated that you don't feel right about leaving your kids with him. Even if he's not breaking arms, an adult screaming and hitting in anger can traumatize children. They won't feel safe. It sounds like you are aware that this is a real problem.

There is absolutely no way for you to keep the kids safe without something significant changing. You can't be there to intervene every time. Someday, you might be in the bathroom. Or giving birth. Or taking a kid to the doctor.

Start with counseling for yourself, to gain strength and learn how and what is within your power to change. It's important that you seek a counselor who knows about men with anger issues. Can you call Shalom Task Force and get a referral?

amother

Babypink

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 2:13 pm

My father was abusive.

My mother was a pathetic loser who was so wrapped up in her own drama and behaved like the selfish blank that she is. She never protected us and didn't leave him until I was in my 20s.

I'll never forgive either of them. I hate him and I semi hate her.

I don't speak to my father and while I speak to my mother, I have zero respect for her and I view her with so much scorn and disgust.

Pretend I am one of your kids. This is what they will be saying about you in 15 years.

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 2:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I choose my children over him every time. And now he tells me that I don't respect him.

That's a problem. You really need good advice and do this very smartly. If you turn it into a power struggle he could hurt them worse and it could ruin your marriage. You really need to get good advice.