DH gets physical when he's angry

amother

Brown

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 5:38 pm

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

Huh? What does this have to do with anything? My husband's father is / was abusive. He never opened up to his father back then and surely not now. Its not something one connects with an abusive parent.

Maybe he doesn’t realize he won’t have a relationship with his kids and I say when they’re older cuz idk how old her kids are 2 to 4 year olds can still open up where as by probably 6 they start shutting down.

Maybe he wants a relationship and doesn’t realize this behavior will end possibility

FranticFrummie

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 6:54 pm

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

Calling the police in front of the kids can be extremely traumatic for them. You need to protect your kids, but smartly.

How can police officers, trained in domestic violence, speaking calmly with dad - be any more traumatic than all the things they've gone through with their own father?

These officers are acutely aware of any kids in the room, and they are trained in de-escalation. The idea of having a police intervention isn't to cause more drama, it's to reduce it as much as humanly possible.

If yelling starts, I'll bet you 100 bucks that it's the dad who starts getting all bent out of shape and angry. HE will be the one to traumatize the kids (just like he's always done), not the police.

WhatFor

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 8:06 pm

Your children can develop CPTSD by being around him. If you're scared to leave them alone with him then it's reasonable to assume that they're scared to be around him. They know what he's capable of and their brain has to be on high alert all the time to protect them from him and try to predict when he's going to react. This state of constant unease and subtle fear will change the way their brain develops and could cause long term mental health issues. And that's not even addressing what happens when he's actually violent.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it isn't easy but it's your job to make sure your children are in a safe place without ANY threat of physical abuse.

WhatFor

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 8:09 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

Calling police in front of kids is traumatic- only as a last resort when truly necessary

She certainly doesn't have to wait until he hurts them again to call the police or child protective services.

amother

Olive

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 8:09 pm

WhatFor wrote:

This reminds me of something I read the other day: "Childhood trauma is the gateway drug"

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 8:33 pm

OP I didn’t read all the replies on the thread so sorry if someone replied like I will already.

I had the same situation with my husband. I begged him after years of marriage to go for help. He Bh went for help. Started meds (no I don’t look down at him for it, I’m honestly amazed how he is so strong to do what he needs to be a great father) Bh Bh Bh a million times over he’s a GREAT husband and the BEST father now! Pls have your husband go for help. My entire family is benefiting tremendously from having a stable calm father!

amother

Tan

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 8:38 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I still think calling the police should be a last resort. They're traumatized enough, no need to add unnecessary trauma especially if the father might be create a scene or get arrested in front of the kids.

amother

Olive

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 9:01 pm

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

You really don’t grasp how serious this is.

amother

Tan

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 9:06 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

You really don’t grasp how serious this is.

I do. But OP didn't do anything at all about the situation yet. I don't think she can go from doing nothing to calling the police. That's pretty drastic if she hasn't done anything about the situation yet.
OP didn't say what exactly her husband does to the kids.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 9:22 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

You really don’t grasp how serious this is.

Neither do you. Nobody does. We have no idea what he actually does to the kids. If he just screams and yells and slaps them on their arm every once in a while, that’s bad parenting but calling the police is not warranted. If he’s constantly threatening them, pushing them, hitting them with objects, choking them, then she should call the police and get a restraining order. But we have no idea. It’s not smart to give advice when you have no idea.

amother

Mint

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 10:08 pm

OP this is so hard!

I think the first step could be to call Shalom Task Force.

I also frequently see an ad in hamodia- I thinks it’s metropolitan Jewish council. They have a domestic violence number.

I just looked it up. It’s met council family violence program. Free and confidential.
Text: 917 540 0225
Phone: 212 453 9618
Sunday-Thursday 8am-midnight.
Friday 9-3
From the ad it seems more about spousal abuse but it does say family violence program. So I think it could be a good idea to call.

amother

Azure

Thu, Feb 11 2021, 12:19 pm

When he goes after the kids, even "just" yelling in their little faces or frightening them in any way, just think to yourself:
Do I want my children to parent my grandchildren in this way?
Picture your children as adults doing the same to their children. Maybe this will give you the jolt of reality that you need to take some kind of action.
Your children have absolutely no one in this world at all to advocate for them but you. You have yourself and they have no one but you.

If you need to think about this lasting damage any further, I encourage you to look at the writings of the extraordinary pedagogue Janusz Korczak, who died al kiddish Hashem at the hands of the Nazis yemach shemo with his pupils, as young as 2 and into their teens.

On wielding power over a child:
"The sense of his powerlessness creates a respect for power. Anyone older and stronger, not necessarily an adult, may brutally express his displeasure, back up demand with force, exact obedience, injure with impunity. By our own example, we teach disdain for the weaker. Bad training, a bad sign."

http://www.januszkorczak.ca/le.....s.pdf

amother

Red

Thu, Feb 11 2021, 1:13 pm

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

OP, Ive seen what happens to kids who have one parent who hits from anger and the other parent did not protect them.
My husband was hit by hit father. His father was and still is, a very angry man. That alone has left a lasting impression on my husband.
But more than that, his mother never stopped my father in law. She just let it happen. And I know that my husband resents that.

OP, my husband is a good example of someone who also has a lot of anger in him, but he tries very hard, and works on it daily, to control it. It is possible for anyone to control their anger. But if he does not want to deal with it, you have a situation on your hand. You as a parent should always be protecting your child. Nothing is more important. And if your husband will not seek treatment for his issue, and it is a major issue, you have to find ways of protecting your children. You dont want them, years from now, to resent you for not protecting them.

your husband was never in a woman's shoes who is married to a raging man.
Rage is terrifying. (she surely had a bitter life)
Blaming your mother in law is dumb and evil - sorry, he has a touch of his father- lack of empathy.

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Feb 11 2021, 4:46 pm

WhatFor wrote:

This, so many times this. My husband (who I already wrote about above) has cptsd and depression and anger issues as well. And it is all from his childhood that was filled with an angry father who abused. Its awful. And affects every aspect of his life and our lives and our marriage and how he parents. Its not good at all. And he is on mediation and goes to theerapy, but he will never be a whole person or a fully happy person because of all of the anger and abuse.