Leaving baby at stranger to go on vacation

Teomima

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 5:53 pm

I didn't respond to the poll nor have I read through all the comments. This is response to the first post only.

OP I think you're tajing a very black-and-white approach to all this. If it works for your sil, why do you have to call her selfish? And if you prefer not to, why does she have to think you're crazy? Everyone has to do what they feel is best for their family. No one owes anyone else any explanation.

Just agree to disagree, end of story.

amother

Gray

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 6:23 pm

Are you asking about is it ok for your sister tp talk like that? (no)
Or is it ok to leave your baby?(yes)

When you say stranger, I find it hard to beleive ppl leave their babies with a complete stranger. As in call up a random babysitter and just go with the first one that says yes?

I would obvs speak to them first, either get references or take my child to meet them a couple of times before the date. As soon as that happens they arent considered a stranger.

southernbubby

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 7:24 pm

honey36 wrote:

I actually have family who would be willing to watch the kids while we go on vacation, but I feel really uncomfortable asking them. We did it once for 1 night (married 8 years) And that's only cuz my husband arranged it with my in laws. I felt bad about it.

And my mother is a very involved and loving grandmother, we have a great relationship with her, my kids love her, but I still wouldn't ask her to do it even though she'd for sure say yes. I just don't like asking favors from anyone.

If I really needed a vacation, I would be more comfortable paying someone to watch my kids than asking a favor from family. Obviously I would ask for references and have kids meet her before in the afternoon or something at least once or twice so she wouldn't be a total stranger.

Unfortunately I've never heard of anyone where I live even offering such a service. But I don't think it's such a big deal to leave the baby with a sitter overnight as long as they meet her at least a few times before.

Is there really such a difference from the child's perspective when the mother leaves him at the babysitter while she goes to work for 9 hours or overnight? Wouldn't they also feel abandoned if they were left for 9 hours straight?

I think that the issue is the length of the trip. A night won't traumatize the baby but a week might.

southernbubby

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 7:32 pm

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

Not everyone is lucky enough that there are grandparents or family members willing to take them. (I feel lucky that I am!) I don't nurse, but I have left one of my kids twice by their sitters overnight. If I trust the sitter every day while I go to work, why wouldn't I trust her when I go away overnight? And the child kind of knows them because it's their caregiver many hours of the day.

I think that the two issues here is the relationship that the OP's child has to the sitter, which is currently none, and the length of separation from the parents.
Some playgroup teachers do keep kids for vacation but the kids at least know them. I would imagine though, that if the child is closer to age 2, he will never again trust that his mother will pick him up after playgroup.

southernbubby

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 7:40 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

When DD was 18 months old, a friend offered me an all expense paid trip to Israel, because she doesn't like traveling alone. It was the opportunity of a lifetime.

I was gone for 2 weeks. I left DD with her dad, in her own home, her own bed, and according to him everything went smoothly.

When they came to pick me up at the airport she seemed happy to see me for a second, and then this look crossed her face like "Wait a minute, you LEFT ME!" and she burst into tears.

She cried all the way home. She refused to even make eye contact with me for a week. It took her a while to be comfortable around me again.

Don't tell me babies don't have feelings, and don't notice when you've been gone.

Of course she doesn't remember anything, and she's not scarred for life, and we're still very attached. Still, a good mother doesn't put her kids through unhappiness when there's no reason for it.

I don't regret the trip, but if I had known that DD was going to react so strongly I would have definitely given it a lot more thought instead of just jumping on the idea.

When my youngest was born, I spent 8 days in the hospital with a series of complications and thought that I was having hot flashes but would still be going home. I was then told that the hot flashes were a fever, due to an infection and I needed to stay 2 weeks longer. I explained that I had a 2 year old at home and couldn't stay any longer and to give me oral antibiotics. That luckily worked because my poor 2 year old was having a hard time without me.

Tof Umachol

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 7:42 pm

No one can decide that for you.
I don't have babies anymore (I wish I did).
When my kids were young, as long as they were nursing, I took them along when I went away.
When a baby was no longer nursing, we did occasionally go on vacation without the kids, but the only place we left them was with my parents.
Baruch Hashem we had that option.
I know not everyone does.
It was wonderful all around (sometimes the kids seemed like we came back too soon for them ...), and I am so grateful that my parents wanted to do that for us.

amother

Honeydew

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 7:45 pm

Zehava wrote:

So cool that so many of you have family to leave your babies at. It isn’t an option for me so yes, I have left my toddlers with babysitters that they don’t know.

I don't have family in my town. The first time my husband and I went away without our kids was last year, when they were 18, 16 and 14 and their older cousins drove in from another state to stay with them.

amother

Honeydew

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 7:50 pm

hodeez wrote:

Maybe it's just because I'm in a bad mood but some people are just too stupid to be parents.

I agree. We need to pass all sorts of tests for lots of things in life like driving a car or becoming a teacher or even working at a cash register, but for some reason anyone and everyone has the right to become a parent, no license needed, not even one class is required.

amother

Cobalt

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 7:51 pm

I left my 9 month old with my mother. I thought it was fine. He knows her. She loves him. Everything is fine.

Well its something I regret until today. I will always feel guilty.

He went from being a happy chilled baby to an anxious clingy baby and it took months for him to forget.

I never left a child without a parent after that.

amother

Blush

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 7:55 pm

I wouldn’t leave my baby with a stranger, but I would consider leaving them with someone I/they knew well and trusted, depending on the circumstances.

That being said, let your sis do her thing. Stand strong in your conviction that it’s not your thing, and be satisfied with that. To each their own.

amother

Indigo

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 7:57 pm

Zehava wrote:

So cool that so many of you have family to leave your babies at. It isn’t an option for me so yes, I have left my toddlers with babysitters that they don’t know.

It isn't an option for me either which is why I taken them along or stay home.

I would only leave a child who's excited to stay at a friend.

amother

Goldenrod

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 8:04 pm

amother [ Slategray ] wrote:

Personally I find younger is easier to leave. Of course they have feelings, but they understand much less. I'm not talking of a nursing baby.

Older babies can be homesick and much much harder to calm down and make happy, even you can't talk to them.

Younger is easier for YOU to leave because they can't express the upset so less guilt and at some point they give in and just sleep eat or play.

Older kids who are verbal might make it harder on the parents but there is less threat to the attachment because they can express themselves and ve reassured even if they don't act reassured.

I don't leave kids who aren't verbal, and I mean fully verbal where they can understand the days of the week and when I would leave and be back. I also only leave with close family and in absence of that option I just don't go away. I haven't for many years at a time if there was ever a non verbal kid in the mix. It's not a tragedy.

When I chose to have children I chose to put their emotional well being before my own.

Op, tell your sister in law to stop having babies if she can't commit to staying with them in their infanthood. That may shut her up for a bit.

amother

Amethyst

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 9:06 pm

First time I went away without my children was the summer they were all away in sleep away camp, and I went when they were away.

My children have had sleepovers by my parents/In-laws and friends. But it was rarely all at the same time and were were always home to get them if need be.

We don’t vacation. We family trip.

amother

Black

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 9:31 pm

If
a. You think it’s the wrong thing to do, and
b. You do not do it,

What’s the problem? It shouldn’t make a difference to you what she does. You can’t control how she parents her children.

Now as far as the issue of her shaming you, just smile and don’t respond. Rinse and repeat.
I’m assuming you are not baiting her with words like “I am so tired, I wish I can go on vacation but I don’t have anyone to leave my kids with” or “you’re so lucky you’re going away, I wish I can go too” since those would put her on the defense, and, to be harsh, if you know her views you are sort of asking for it. I’m not saying she is doing the right thing, but you should just be satisfied with the feeling that you are doing what you feel is right instead of getting worked up.