Childhood experiences

English3

Fri, Feb 19 2021, 6:14 am

I had an interesting discussion with my brother the other day, I was telling him how I would parent differently to my father. The only disciplining method was giving a potch etc. He also has a lot of tendencies that I would not follow, he never respected my mom for a lot of different stuff. He always felt that he ran the house which is totally not true. And my brother was shocked to hear this he feels my father is his hero he admires my father in every way. He also believes that my mom never ran the house like an efficient eishes chayil. It made me so sad to hear it BC he was never home, so where does he base these assumptions from? How can it be that two siblings have such different feelings to their parents? Will my kids feel like that to?

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Feb 19 2021, 6:24 am

People can go through the same experience and experience it completely different than the others.
I sometimes think I had a different childhood with different parents when I talk to my siblings Smile

Its very possible.

amother

Beige

Fri, Feb 19 2021, 2:08 pm

I would also never parent like my parents did, but my siblings (older brother specifically) looks up to my father for his amazing chinuch. Truthfully, he hated the way he was treated growing up, but says he grew into a “mentch ” because of the way my father parented. Sometimes people know what’s right or wrong but choose to do the wrong thing with the excuse that it will bring about something good.

amother

Papaya

Fri, Feb 19 2021, 2:14 pm

English3 wrote:

Kids in the same household do experience family life differently for a multitude of reasons.

As I always say, I wish I had my brother's parents.

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Feb 19 2021, 2:21 pm

It sounds like you are each defensive of the parent of your gender. I noticed that with my kids ...if I remotely hint to being negative towards my husband, my sons get upset. If my daughters feel I am in any way slighted they get very nervous. I think it's very easy for kids to feel enmeshed and project themselves onto the parent of their own gender. Surely both your parents were imperfect, and surely they both did some things well. But your brother needs to see your father as perfect and your mother as imperfect to protect his own sense of self. And for you it's visa versa. The problem is really the extremes - neither parent was perfect or imperfect. Just flawed and probably well meaning like the rest of us.

zaq

Fri, Feb 19 2021, 3:03 pm

Does anyone, ever, intend to parent as his or her parents did? Don't we all at one time or another say to ourselves, "When I'm a parent I'm NEVER going to _______ like Mom and Dad"? (And then one day, oh the horror, we hear ourselves say _______ just like Mom and Dad. )

amother

Magenta

Fri, Feb 19 2021, 3:07 pm

If you're talking about being potched 20 times in your childhood, yes many people view that differently. When it's a daily occurrence it's hard to have different opinions.

amother

Blonde

Fri, Feb 19 2021, 3:11 pm

Mg parents were not in tune with my emotional health and I suffered (and spent a lot of my saving on getting help) because of that. My siblings all feel the same way but everyone had different effects from it. Some of my siblings were barely affected at all and others were pretty badly affected. It depends a lot on children’s perspectives and personalities as well.

amother

Aubergine

Fri, Feb 19 2021, 3:26 pm

A child's most influential example is the same gendered parent.
Unfortunately it seems like your brother was influenced by your father's comments.
I hope he doesn't take it into his marriage.

Elfrida

Sat, Feb 20 2021, 3:32 pm

When my youngest sister was speaking at the shloshim for my mother, I felt like she was speaking about someone I never met. The difference between the oldest and youngest child, and two different personalities.