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S/o abuse vs dysfunction
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Fri, Feb 26 2021, 6:35 am
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:
We have this need to fit things in a box, to try "define" our lives. Theres no clear line between normal family struggles/ dysfunction/ neglect/
/abuse. They can blend one into the other like paint.

All normal families are probably dysfunctional sometimes.

And what one person calls ideal parenting, another person may call abuse. (I.e. spanking, putting a picky eater to bed hungry.)

And abuse is definitely not always malicious.


If all normal families are dysfunctional sometimes, then they’re not dysfunctional.
Spanking and putting a picky eater to bed hungry ARE abuse, doesn’t matter if you call it “ideal parenting”. Calling it ideal parenting and saying it’s best for the kid makes it worse.
Technically, abuse is malicious, but neglect and dysfunction are considered abuse even if it wasn’t out of malice.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Fri, Feb 26 2021, 8:18 am
amother [ Ruby ] wrote:
I hate to say it but growing up dinner was always late and we didn’t have bedtime. And I don’t clean my toilets or change my likened often at all (kids aren’t toilet trained yet). But I don’t consider any of it dysfunction...
Unless I should.
But I guess it’s a package deal and it depends on the person


Not cleaning toilets and x changing linen is dysfunction it’s gross!!
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Fri, Feb 26 2021, 9:12 am
The way I see it, in simple terms, abuse is activity, vs dysfunction is inactivity. Though they sometimes overlap.
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Chavas




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 26 2021, 3:27 pm
amother [ Ruby ] wrote:
I hate to say it but growing up dinner was always late and we didn’t have bedtime. And I don’t clean my toilets or change my likened often at all (kids aren’t toilet trained yet). But I don’t consider any of it dysfunction...
Unless I should.
But I guess it’s a package deal and it depends on the person


Sorry, but this is very dysfunctional. I'm sorry you don't realize. Please get help.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Fri, Feb 26 2021, 5:04 pm
amother [ Ruby ] wrote:
I hate to say it but growing up dinner was always late and we didn’t have bedtime. And I don’t clean my toilets or change my likened often at all (kids aren’t toilet trained yet). But I don’t consider any of it dysfunction...
Unless I should.
But I guess it’s a package deal and it depends on the person


Good thing you are aware now
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itsmeima




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 26 2021, 5:42 pm
amother [ Khaki ] wrote:
Not cleaning toilets and x changing linen is dysfunction it’s gross!!


Gross does not equal dysfunctional.

It's a lot deeper than that. Why wasn't the house cleaned?

If, for example, your parents worked full time, had no cleaning help, had a large family etc. it's understandable. The WHY is extremely important
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 1:41 pm
These threads are getting me really nervous.

I work full time + am in school for 10+ hours a week and have a bunch of little kids. I am doing my absolute best but these threads about dysfunction make me feel inadequate or like my kids are going to grow up talking about their dysfunctional home. Our main room and kitchen are cleaned every day (not wiping down cabinets or drawers but basic - dishes done, counters cleaned, swept). The floors and toilets are done once a week. My kids generally make their beds. Supper is at the same time e/ night and it is very simple but usually homemade. There is a bedtime that is usually stuck to within 1/2 an hour.

But, linen is only changed on an as needed basis, my kids rooms are cleaned only once every few weeks, the playroom does not get cleaned every day (usually once a week). If a sheet comes off a bed to get washed, it doesn't always make it back on the bed for the next few days. Sometimes things spill and don't get cleaned up right away. There is plenty of junk food around. If a kid gets dirty from food in the middle of the day, I don't change them and they'll totally walk around barefoot all day at home.

My husband helps with laundry but we don't have a dryer so e/o's laundry gets hung to dry in their room and doesn't always end up back on their shelves, and if it does, it's not folded. Right now, the bedrooms are disasters and I'm not cleaning them because in the next couple weeks they have to be Pesach cleaned and will get done then.

One of my kids teachers calls e/ few weeks because DC is missing stuff but that child is seriously disorganized and its hard for me to be on top of them. I made fancy MM for the teachers but didn't have time to put them in a gift or right nice letters.

I only have a limited amount of time and energy and I try to use it to focus on my kids - being the one to take them/pick them up from school, greet them with a smile, read them a book (which might not get put away for a few days), be on top of where they are going and when they'll be home.

Will they grow up like a bunch of posters here saying their home was dysfunctional because linen was only changed once in a couple months, there's stuff on the floor, and there's dust in the corners but their mother tried to sit by their bed when they went to sleep?
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amother
Green


 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 7:08 pm
amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:
These threads are getting me really nervous.

I work full time + am in school for 10+ hours a week and have a bunch of little kids. I am doing my absolute best but these threads about dysfunction make me feel inadequate or like my kids are going to grow up talking about their dysfunctional home. Our main room and kitchen are cleaned every day (not wiping down cabinets or drawers but basic - dishes done, counters cleaned, swept). The floors and toilets are done once a week. My kids generally make their beds. Supper is at the same time e/ night and it is very simple but usually homemade. There is a bedtime that is usually stuck to within 1/2 an hour.

But, linen is only changed on an as needed basis, my kids rooms are cleaned only once every few weeks, the playroom does not get cleaned every day (usually once a week). If a sheet comes off a bed to get washed, it doesn't always make it back on the bed for the next few days. Sometimes things spill and don't get cleaned up right away. There is plenty of junk food around. If a kid gets dirty from food in the middle of the day, I don't change them and they'll totally walk around barefoot all day at home.

My husband helps with laundry but we don't have a dryer so e/o's laundry gets hung to dry in their room and doesn't always end up back on their shelves, and if it does, it's not folded. Right now, the bedrooms are disasters and I'm not cleaning them because in the next couple weeks they have to be Pesach cleaned and will get done then.

One of my kids teachers calls e/ few weeks because DC is missing stuff but that child is seriously disorganized and its hard for me to be on top of them. I made fancy MM for the teachers but didn't have time to put them in a gift or right nice letters.

I only have a limited amount of time and energy and I try to use it to focus on my kids - being the one to take them/pick them up from school, greet them with a smile, read them a book (which might not get put away for a few days), be on top of where they are going and when they'll be home.

Will they grow up like a bunch of posters here saying their home was dysfunctional because linen was only changed once in a couple months, there's stuff on the floor, and there's dust in the corners but their mother tried to sit by their bed when they went to sleep?


It's always a full picture...
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