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I just need to tune out while I work... bad for my kids?

 
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bigsis144




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:23 am
I, like many people, hate doing chores. Washing dishes, picking up around the house, laundry, etc. And pesach cleaning is coming up too...

And I just want to put on earphones and listen to a podcast or music while I work. It makes a tedious chore less burdensome, helps me focus... I just wanna tune the world out and clean for 45 minutes so I can make progress on the chaos that is my house! That’s all I ask.

But seeing me productive with earphones in my ears seems to drive my children insane. They demand to watch videos on my phone, complain it’s not fair that I get to “watch things” (my phone is in my pocket, how am I “watching”??)...

I try to set them up with their own music or activities, and I’m never so tuned out that I can’t help them with a snack or if they need my attention.

Do my kids really feel neglected and ignored? Is it “bad chinuch” for me to be “using my phone” in front of them like this? Are they jealous of my attention being elsewhere?

My ADHD self just needs to get stuff done, aaaaagh.

ETA: I can’t only clean when my kids are at school/asleep. Some have 100% virtual school all the time, and we’ve had three snow days in the past week... kids range from 2-11


Last edited by bigsis144 on Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:46 am; edited 3 times in total
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singleagain




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:26 am
I don't think it would be bad chiuch. But if you explained the why's and what's
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amother




Peach
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:40 am
I also like to do this and that is why I am mostly unproductive while my children are awake. Anything that needs to get done well happens before they wake up or after they go to sleep. Anything that happens while they're around is "half done"
I guess what I'm saying is no, I would not tune out my kids as you call it. Either do the job not as well while they're around or wait until later
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:45 am
Kids need to learn to respect that parents have needs too. They don't really see you as "people", they see you more as servants.

It won't kill them for you to say "no" and set them up with a project before you start your chores. It really won't hurt them if you say "I need you to not bother me until I finish with the laundry." Set the timer on the kitchen stove, and tell them that when the timer beeps, then they can come talk to you.

If your kids are old enough, put them to work! Even a toddler can put the Lego back in the box.

If your kids say they are bored, tell them to tidy up the play room (or their bedrooms) so you can do the floors later. I promise you, given the choice, they will find something to do FAST in order to get out of cleaning. Just make sure that you don't waver, and only give them two choices. Clean up, or go amuse yourselves.
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Rappel




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:51 am
I put it on speakers because the headphones are the problem here. If they really want to hear a turn of the century mystery fiction audiobook, whom am I to stop them?
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amother




Wine
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:53 am
I think FranticFrummie has good advice. It’s okay to set boundaries with your kids. “I need 15 minutes to finish this.” “No I’m not sharing my phone with you right now”. “You have 2 choices, go play nicely, read... etc or I will find chores for you too.”

My kids usually stop bugging me when I tell them I’ll find them chores to do too. LOL
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amother




Bronze
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:55 am
Same here! I can only clean with a good podcast! I HATE CLEANING!

My kids know, when I’m wearing headphones, I'm not available!
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Frumme




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:58 am
No solution, but I feel you.

Sometimes I set up a video on my phone with subtitles while washing dishes. Then they don't notice I'm having screen time LOL

Otherwise I just get things done very slowly. My toddler will knock over folded laundry if I'm not quick about putting it away, so sometimes I end up refolding. Or if I have her help me fold, it takes 3x as long. It's very tough (and tiring!)
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amother




Khaki
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:59 am
I just want to say that I could have written your post...I have inattentive type ADD and I cannot complete the housework with the kids' distracting chatter all around me, it is everything I have just to push myself to do the chores. I also need music or podcast to help me stimulate my brain and focus to complete tasks. And it is definitely ok to explain your needs to your kids and do what you need to do. Good luck, friend!
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bigsis144




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:59 am
Rappel wrote:
I put it on speakers because the headphones are the problem here. If they really want to hear a turn of the century mystery fiction audiobook, whom am I to stop them?


Then they scream cuz they hate my music, or I have to make sure what I’m listening to is 100% child friendly (even shiurim can be too mature sometimes).

Or at least one of them should currently be in class/doing homework and I don’t want to distract them with loud ambient audio.

Or I have my screen set up next to the sink to watch while I wash dishes and I end up with three kids fighting next to my elbows to see what’s on the tiny little phone screen... it’s like a magnet for them!

I have offered to give them similar “screen time” if they do a chore at the same time, just like Ema, but none of them have ever taken me up on it. They are incapable of helping around the house. I’ve had a kid yelling at me to wash a mug for him since he woke up and found no clean mugs in the cabinet. I’ve been busy. WASH YOURSELF A MUG. You’re eleven!!
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amother




Sapphire
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 8:20 am
OMG this is me! I constantly have to switch it off and get annoyed at them. Sometimes I tell them to go bother their father, if he's home.
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amother




Natural
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 8:45 am
khaki-yes! inattentative adhd and have a hard time working with my kids chatter Sad
how do you explain that podcast is fine but kids chatter isn't. I try to explain that I can't have stuff I need to process and respond to....
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amother




Mustard
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 9:14 am
bigsis144 wrote:
Then they scream cuz they hate my music, or I have to make sure what I’m listening to is 100% child friendly (even shiurim can be too mature sometimes).

Or at least one of them should currently be in class/doing homework and I don’t want to distract them with loud ambient audio.

Or I have my screen set up next to the sink to watch while I wash dishes and I end up with three kids fighting next to my elbows to see what’s on the tiny little phone screen... it’s like a magnet for them!

I have offered to give them similar “screen time” if they do a chore at the same time, just like Ema, but none of them have ever taken me up on it. They are incapable of helping around the house. I’ve had a kid yelling at me to wash a mug for him since he woke up and found no clean mugs in the cabinet. I’ve been busy. WASH YOURSELF A MUG. You’re eleven!!

It's not bad for them, it's good for them. It's a way to teach them boundaries. Of course they are resisting.
I would start with 5 min. Then increase each time by a few min. And since they particularly have a hard time with this, I would reward them well.
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amother




Khaki
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 6:04 pm
amother [ Natural ] wrote:
khaki-yes! inattentative adhd and have a hard time working with my kids chatter Sad
how do you explain that podcast is fine but kids chatter isn't. I try to explain that I can't have stuff I need to process and respond to....


Exactly, it's the PROCESSING that I can't do while simultaneously focusing on accomplishing a task, and I have to process when people speak and interact with me. But a podcast or music stimulated the sluggish part of my brain and gives me a little more juju to get stuff done...
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amother




Natural
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 6:44 pm
khaki, curious how you manage life without feeling like you are constantly telling your kids to be quiet so that you can focus. I so wish I could do tasks and listen to them at the same time Sad
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amother




Black
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:09 pm
Omg - I am add too and I have processing issues.
I can’t even wash a pot well if someone is talking to me. I feel bad but I am constantly having to tell them to pause for a minute.
And that’s only the basics - most of my work I just accept that I have to do later.
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amother




Natural
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:12 pm
black and khaki, may I ask how many kids you have. I have 3 kh and they aren't even close in age yet I have a hard time with the chatter...
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amother




Khaki
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:34 pm
amother [ Natural ] wrote:
khaki, curious how you manage life without feeling like you are constantly telling your kids to be quiet so that you can focus. I so wish I could do tasks and listen to them at the same time Sad


I absolutely do have to tell them that. I say it sweetly of course, or gently remind them to go find something to do on their own now so Mommy can focus. They have grown up like that, so they don't feel hurt.

When I was in your stage of life, 3 kids, all young and needier for constant attention, I did not get as much done in the house and it was hard for me, as my ADD needs alot of order and cleanliness to feel centered. I tried to remember that they need attention and that's most important, but the dull ache of overwhelm in my brain was uncomfortable.

When my family grew it was easier to have older kids old enough to be helpful with cleaning up and playing with siblings. Now everyone is old enough for a balance of playing on their own and needing my attention,and I have blocks of time for housework,which is very, very healing for my brain! Sometimes I consider taking some stimulant medication to help me not feel that brain ache that focusing on raising a family entails, but I didn't have the greatest experience with meds as a child, so I have held off...
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