Dear guest: It’s time to leave

naturalmom5

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 5:18 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don’t think this should be classified as Ruach Hakodesh. I’m doing her a favor and letting her stay here because she has a simcha. She should be clarifying with me not vice versa. It’s self understood that this is a favor and you can’t just stay for another night without saying anything.

Take it from tons and tons of life experience

Save yourself lots of agmas nefesh and Sholom Bayis problems

DONT ASSUME ANYTHING

If something is important to you spell it out clearly...

amother

Orchid

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 5:18 pm

You said you have no idea why she is staying and you assumed that she knocked on your door several times to annoy you. Maybe she was knocking urgently and that's why she knocked several times which might have included her reason for staying. Maybe she meant to leave yesterday but things got messy and she didn't want to disturb you very late.

naturalmom5

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 5:20 pm

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

Whatever you do please don't go down there bang on the door and say you're not a hotel service.

I still think about my Shabbos Sheva Brachos when we stayed in someones guest suite. We are both from oot so maybe there was a culture clash about when to leave (as it seems from this thread...). Our Sunday sheva Brachos was in another city and we had no home base.

We woke up Sunday morning to the hostess banging on the door yelling that she is not a hotel service and that she needs the room. We were mortified and ran out as quickly as we could. If you can't do a mitzva with good middos I'm not sure its worth doing. I would have rather stayed in a dump on the same floor as the family than be treated like that.

THANK YOU......

I was thinking the exact same thing

amother

Cyan

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 5:42 pm

amother [ White ] wrote:

Yeah. Did the OP think that the guest thought to herself, “how can I most annoy my host? I know!! I’ll knock on the door at a reasonable hour in the morning for absolutely no reason!! Ha ha serves her right!”

Since she knocked on shabbos several times for stupid things, op has reason to think she's socially off.

flowerpower

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 5:43 pm

Only in the frum world do people give out part of their house to people they don’t know and never met for free!!! At least be a mentch about it and show some appreciation too. To those berating the op- shame on you! If it’s normal to leave on Motzei Shabbos then at least communicate normally and tell your host before shabbos or after shabbos when you plan to leave. Really now!!!

amother

Orchid

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 6:00 pm

flowerpower wrote:

OF COURSE it is nice. I doubt anybody thinks it's not. She has a suite dedicated for hachnasos archim which is a super nice thing to do. If she was venting to her husband and I overheard I wouldn't stick my nose in but...this is a web page and the question was directed at us. You mention how amazing the frum world is. Can you imagine if all the comments were directed at speaking meanly towards the lady living downstairs instead of some of the daan lkaf zchus examples that were suggested. Sure, some comments weren't so nice but again, this is the internet whereanyone could answer so tou have to know that when asking.

Kiwi13

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 6:04 pm

OP, if you just want to vent here about the inconvenience, that’s fine, but you probably ought to specify that. Otherwise people have offered some fair Dan lekaf zechus ways of looking at it, and some good pointers on dealing with it. I’m sure it’s not fun to feel taken advantage of, and Hashem sees your agmas nefesh to do this mitzvah. I hope you are able to use your hachnasas orchim suite for many happy healthy years to come.

amother

Green

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 6:05 pm

flowerpower wrote:

Not everyone is aware what is considered normal to another person. Where I come from, it is also normal to stay Motzei Shabbos.

flowerpower

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 6:11 pm

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

I’ve made a psa a few times on Ima that behind every post is a human being. People ought to remember that. Instead of telling op dumb stuff just say “really sweet of you to host, perhaps you can knock in to see if all is ok” or “ maybe you can ask the baal simcha if she knows what her plan is”? No need to be mean. It’s not nice!

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 6:13 pm

OP,
CI would call the baal simcha to speak about this. Perhaps they didn't realize the guest needed to stay longer, and have room in t heir home. I had this once. Now I'm clear that motzei shabbos is out. We sometimes are asked if the guest can stay until Sunday. The expectation then is guedt is out by 11am, like a hotel, for cleaning and setup.

flowerpower

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 6:14 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

Not everyone is aware what is considered normal to another person. Where I come from, it is also normal to stay Motzei Shabbos.

If the guest came from oot then it’s normal to leave on Sunday. If they came for a simcha and they live an hour away then they usually leave on motzei.
I had guest from the midwest staying by me. The baal simcha let me know that they will be leaving on Monday. That’s calling being a mentch.

Last edited by flowerpower on Sun, Feb 21 2021, 6:24 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

White

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 6:15 pm

flowerpower wrote:

You’re right. Deleting my posts.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 6:24 pm

Op you sound like me in that I hate people ringing on my doorbell and don't enjoy hosting. The difference is: I don't.

I'm a photographer professionally and I offer free photoshoots to chai lifeline families or donate photoshoots to auctions and this I do with a full heart because I love doing it.
I don't think of it as doing people a favour - if anything it makes me feel so fulfilled to be able to help out in this way.

If you don't enjoy hosting, there are plenty of other people who do and will do so happily. The woman staying in your basement right now is not a charity case - if she knew how you felt, she would choose to stay elsewhere. If you view it as doing her a favour, don't do it. Find another mitzvah that you will do with open hands and let the people who enjoy hosting do the hosting.

That's my humble opinion for today.

SuperWify

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 6:33 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

Honestly op never said she don’t like hosting. She’s just doesn’t like people taking advantage!

amother

Lilac

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 6:47 pm

SuperWify wrote:

Honestly op never said she don’t like hosting. She’s just doesn’t like people taking advantage!

I don't think that people who stay longer are necessarily taking advantage. There is probably a reason she stayed longer than "typical". Personally, when I stay at someone's house as a guest, I get out of there as soon as physically possible! We really don't know what this lady's story is and neither does OP.

amother

Cerise

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 6:48 pm

SuperWify wrote:

Honestly op never said she don’t like hosting. She’s just doesn’t like people taking advantage!

When having an hachnasos orchim suite, we always have to know that there are ALL types of people in the world and you will be taken advantage of at some point. OP is lucky that this hasn't happened in 10 years, most people that have hachnasos orchim have plenty of stories to tell.
This is why it's a good idea to let guests know the terms and rules of taking the apartment so you don't run into too many misunderstandings.

doodlesmom

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:20 pm

I just want to say that it’s okay to vent!
I’m sure that when the OP is going to talk to her guest she will be very courteous.
Let her give out her frustration here.

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:20 pm

Oot we have hosted many people for many reasons over many years- if someone wanted to stay beyond m”ah they always asked
Also in a confusing situation kike oo describes we would contact whoever asked us/ the host/hostess to clarify when guest is leaving etc
Also guests come in for a simcha etc and can contact their Baal simcha if they need help or anything.

naturalmom5

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:21 pm

Let me quote a gem from a big Rosh Yeshiva who was niftar a few minths back from covid as a zcus for his neshoma

Everyone say I dont want to be a friya ( taken advantage of )

Mori v rabosai Avrohom avinu was the biggest friya who ever lived ..