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Dear guest: It’s time to leave
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:22 pm
Hachnosas orchim is a big mitzvah and when possible a privilege to be able to offer

Op I would contact the Baal simcha and have them run interference as is done in our circles.
Tizki l mitzvos
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doodlesmom




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:23 pm
I remember once I arranged for a relative to host my sil a girl, and her friends for a couple days in my City.
She asked the hostess for a blow dryer/hair iron, and had the audacity to take it with her on a weekend trip that she went to right from there without permission.

I was livid and gave it in to her big time. Taking advantage of these Hachnasas Orchim hosts is terrible.
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amother




Jetblack
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 7:35 pm
I live “in town” and it’s not unusual for people to stay over motzei shabbos. Asking for a room for shabbos can sometimes include motzei shabbos, especially when guests have traveled far. Staying till Sunday isn’t called taking advantage but of course hosts should be asked/notified in advance.
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amother




Cerise
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 8:08 pm
OP, did they leave?
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Simple1




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 8:44 pm
naturalmom5 wrote:
Let me quote a gem from a big Rosh Yeshiva who was niftar a few minths back from covid as a zcus for his neshoma

Everyone say I dont want to be a friya ( taken advantage of )

Mori v rabosai Avrohom avinu was the biggest friya who ever lived ..


Thank you!. I don't have a guest suite, but lately been feeling ambivalent about certain time consuming favors I've been asked to do. Will keep this in mind! Someone else told me about a speaker who said whether or not they are taking advantage, that's their issue. It's still a mitzvah. We need to work on our self esteem for this.

I am trying to figure out why it would be inconvenient to stay another night if it's a private entrance. The room is set up already - the same work for one night as for two nights. Unless it's your only day to clean up (for example, due to cleaning lady schedule) which wasn't mentioned in the OP. Or if it's because someone else is using it, just tell them you need it by a certain time.
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mizle10




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 8:48 pm
Simple1 wrote:
Thank you!. I don't have a guest suite, but lately been feeling ambivalent about certain time consuming favors I've been asked to do. Will keep this in mind! Someone else told me about a speaker who said whether or not they are taking advantage, that's their issue. It's still a mitzvah. We need to work on our self esteem for this.

I am trying to figure out why it would be inconvenient to stay another night if it's a private entrance. The room is set up already - the same work for one night as for two nights. Unless it's your only day to clean up (for example, due to cleaning lady schedule) which wasn't mentioned in the OP. Or if it's because someone else is using it, just tell them you need it by a certain time.


I have a guest suite with a private entrance. It’s right off my play room, when I have guests there I don’t let my kids play downstairs. I feel like it’s a lack of privacy and quiet for the guests.
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 9:15 pm
flowerpower wrote:
I’ve made a psa a few times on Ima that behind every post is a human being. People ought to remember that. Instead of telling op dumb stuff just say “really sweet of you to host, perhaps you can knock in to see if all is ok” or “ maybe you can ask the baal simcha if she knows what her plan is”? No need to be mean. It’s not nice!


That's true.But there are also human beings behind the posters defending the guests. Maybe they were once those guests and are now feeling embarrassed that their hosts think they were rude.
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justforfun87




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Feb 21 2021, 9:15 pm
I am just plain old modern Baltimore Jewish with a small family but if I shlepped to NY for a simcha I would deff be expecting to stay until Sunday morning.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 12:29 am
Woh. I’m not exactly sure why I’m still surprised at some replies here. I should’ve known better from my experience here on imamother.

I’m gonna try to remember everything I want to reply to.
I love doing this mitzvah. I have guest almost every single week. People love staying here. And I’m very fit for this mitzvah (thank you amother for that nice comment) It’s a very comfortable suite. I have booking for this suite already until December. I prepare the suite in the most comfortable way possible. And it’s the best feeling ever knowing that my guests are comfortable. I would never bang at the door and ask her to leave. I never made her feel I welcomed. It’s extremely annoying when people take advantage though. This weeks guest lives about an hour and 15 minutes away from my house. Had it been a long drive that would be a different story. I’ve had such guests several times. Guests that come from a 5-6 hour drive for a simcha and end up staying g here for a week. It’s my pleasure to make their stay enjoyable and comfortable. But having guest that simply don’t realize that I’m entitled to know their plans is extremely annoying. No, having them over another night is not a bother. But why doesn’t she feel that it would be nice to tell me that she’s planning to stay? She may have wanted to tell that to me at 9 am on Sunday? I was unable to open the door. How about knocking in and hour later again? She bothered me several times this shabbos for dumb things which was btw very obvious that she’s socially off- (like “can I borrow a brush and a comb because I left mine at home) can’t she knock again to explain?

And here’s an update:
Yes, she is still here. She knocked it at about 3 pm. I wasn’t home and my 16 year old went to the door. She asked if it’s ok that she stay another night because she has a bar mitzvah tonight in the neighborhood. Did she not know about this bar mitzvah last week? Or did she not think that she would stay and seeing how nice I accommodating the place was she decided to stay? Which is fine. But I need to be notified about that. When my guests leave I go in there. Shut the lights, lock the door, unplug percolator, bring the unused food back upstairs. Why do I have to feel like an intruder in my own house, I tried going in there last night at 1 am and as I opened the door I noticed that her stuff is still there. I felt so uncomfortable.

That’s it for now although there’s more but it won’t make any difference.
Vent over.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 12:33 am
amother [ Orchid ] wrote:
You said you have no idea why she is staying and you assumed that she knocked on your door several times to annoy you. Maybe she was knocking urgently and that's why she knocked several times which might have included her reason for staying. Maybe she meant to leave yesterday but things got messy and she didn't want to disturb you very late.


You misunderstood.
She knocked on my door throughout shabbos several times. I went to the door every time and was very nice and friendly to her. She knocked for dumb stupid things. Only once on Sunday morning did I not answer the door. And not because I assumed she wants something dumb. I was still wearing my pajamas and couldn’t go to the door.
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amother




Green
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 12:35 am
OP, the additional information you provided makes it pretty clear that this is a guest with some social issues, not a simple misunderstanding. I'm sorry you are being taken advantage of here. I hope that you won't let it turn you off of hosting in the future, as the world needs more people like you providing Hachnosas Orchim in a dignified and beautiful way!
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Kiwi13




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 12:35 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Woh. I’m not exactly sure why I’m still surprised at some replies here. I should’ve known better from my experience here on imamother.

I’m gonna try to remember everything I want to reply to.
I love doing this mitzvah. I have guest almost every single week. People love staying here. And I’m very fit for this mitzvah (thank you amother for that nice comment) It’s a very comfortable suite. I have booking for this suite already until December. I prepare the suite in the most comfortable way possible. And it’s the best feeling ever knowing that my guests are comfortable. I would never bang at the door and ask her to leave. I never made her feel I welcomed. It’s extremely annoying when people take advantage though. This weeks guest lives about an hour and 15 minutes away from my house. Had it been a long drive that would be a different story. I’ve had such guests several times. Guests that come from a 5-6 hour drive for a simcha and end up staying g here for a week. It’s my pleasure to make their stay enjoyable and comfortable. But having guest that simply don’t realize that I’m entitled to know their plans is extremely annoying. No, having them over another night is not a bother. But why doesn’t she feel that it would be nice to tell me that she’s planning to stay? She may have wanted to tell that to me at 9 am on Sunday? I was unable to open the door. How about knocking in and hour later again? She bothered me several times this shabbos for dumb things which was btw very obvious that she’s socially off- (like “can I borrow a brush and a comb because I left mine at home) can’t she knock again to explain?

And here’s an update:
Yes, she is still here. She knocked it at about 3 pm. I wasn’t home and my 16 year old went to the door. She asked if it’s ok that she stay another night because she has a bar mitzvah tonight in the neighborhood. Did she not know about this bar mitzvah last week? Or did she not think that she would stay and seeing how nice I accommodating the place was she decided to stay? Which is fine. But I need to be notified about that. When my guests leave I go in there. Shut the lights, lock the door, unplug percolator, bring the unused food back upstairs. Why do I have to feel like an intruder in my own house, I tried going in there last night at 1 am and as I opened the door I noticed that her stuff is still there. I felt so uncomfortable.

That’s it for now although there’s more but it won’t make any difference.
Vent over.


OP, I'm sorry if my posts caused you pain. I was only trying to help, and I think most other people were too. It's really hard to gauge what's really going on from the few details given in a thread (any thread - not just this one). It's hard when people are socially off and taking advantage without realizing it. Sometimes that's harder than when they DO realize it, because you can't even say anything to them without having to walk them through what the problem is and risking hurting their feelings by accident. I still hold that it's a big mitzvah that you put up with it, and if your venting on here made that possible, then it was productive. Again, I apologize if I made it harder for you. It wasn't my intention.
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amother




Puce
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 1:48 am
People are not allowed to forget things at home?

Maybe she was in a rush, or tends to forget things BY ACCIDENT.
Just because someone knocks on the door to ask for “stupid stuff” doesn’t mean they’re socially off.

The only thing that sits wrong to me is that she overstayed without telling you about her plans.
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amother




Ivory
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 2:23 am
Op, you are correct.
It’s not even that she should tell you her plans, the host should have asked before the guest showed up. And the guest should stick to it. How does she know that you haven’t offered the room to someone else for Sunday night?
She sound like she presents as entitled as opposed to graciously and appreciative.
A person can forget a comb at home. There is a difference between knocking on the door and saying “ I’m so sorry to bother you. I’m really embarrassed, but I packed in a rush while trying to take care of 6 different things at the same time, and I forgot my brush. Is there any chance that you have a spare comb that I can borrow? I will of course wash it after Shabbos before I return it to you.” And “Hi, I need a comb. Can I use yours?”

It is showing curtesy and appreciation for having her rather than her acting entitled to be in your home.

(In case you can’t tell, I’ve been there many times).
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amother




White
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 2:30 am
Op, I really understand. I have a guest suite too, and complete strangers call me asking to stay there for weeks on vacation. Not even simchas. Most of the time it brings me joy to host, sometimes we have crazy stories. Oh, the stories!

I was harsh to you and that was unfair. But your initial posts sounded kind of mean and now you explained yourself better.

I used to complain about these types of guests until I was fortunate enough to complain to someone who lives in a tiny apartment and she said “I ask Hashem all the time for your nisayon! There’s nothing more I love to do than host!” And it makes me realize how much more I should do. And how lucky I am.

I was also once given mussar from someone who told me that Hashem sends you tougher guests to see if you really love the Mitzvah or just the status symbol of the mitzvah. That really clicked with me. Not every guest is going to be easy, and it’s my job to treat them like family. My husband is amazing at this and when I get super frustrated he reminds me that Gemara would have me give them the only pillow in the house if there was just one. And to remember these are Hashem’s children.

Try not to see it as someone taking advantage of you. That just makes you feel helpless and angry. Instead see it that Hashem gave you this nisayon because He knew you were ready for the next step.

And in the zchus of taking care of Hashems children, He should always take care of you!
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 8:01 am
I've hosted people numerous times although I didn't have a separate guest suite. Usually, it's on the Baal Simcha to ask if the guests can stay past Motzaei Shabbos. I've never had anyone stay later without asking first.
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amother




Cerise
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 8:23 am
OP, you are really special for patiently putting up with your guest. If she's socially off, then this explains her behavior.
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amother




Bronze
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 10:04 am
She’s definitely socially off. Op I hope the clueless responses here don’t get to you. We need people like you to do this mitzvah. And yes there are socially off individuals on this site. Shocker I know. Doesn’t mean you need to let people know that they’re not invited to live there long term and that you don’t share your hair brush (gross). She should have gone to the baal simcha if she didn’t pack properly.

Def let the baalas simcha know about her guest because if she hosts this individual again she will need to be really clear about expectations.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 10:17 am
amother [ Bronze ] wrote:
She’s definitely socially off. Op I hope the clueless responses here don’t get to you. We need people like you to do this mitzvah. And yes there are socially off individuals on this site. Shocker I know. Doesn’t mean you need to let people know that they’re not invited to live there long term and that you don’t share your hair brush (gross). She should have gone to the baal simcha if she didn’t pack properly.

Def let the baalas simcha know about her guest because if she hosts this individual again she will need to be really clear about expectations.


Thank you. And thank you all!
I would never hurt anyone and tell the bal simcha about this.
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amother




Cerulean
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 10:35 am
Op, that sounds frustrating. I would say with socially off people, you have to be super clear with a specific deadline.("yes, you may stay for the even on Monday night but you need to be out by 9 am Tuesday morning as I need the room then"), even if it's ridiculous that she's just realizing now she has another event to stay for and obviously taking advantage.

We live OOT (Detroit) and it's taken for granted that most people leave on Sunday, but that said, I've had one extremely socially off guest that made me stop hosting for awhile. We're back into it now, but I have learned to be very specific, even though most people don't need that level of instruction. Such as letting them know the entire 1500 square foot basement is not for them only (just the en-suite bedroom), and I will be coming and going to other parts of the basement in general to access my laundry room and freezer, so please don't lock us out of the entire basement and deny me access to the laundry room and my freezer. Stuff that should be self-understood, but apparently was not. You only need to learn that lesson once.
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