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UPDATE Telling new/prospective boss abt pregnancy
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amother




Smokey
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 11:16 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks all for your responses, I was so unsure abt what to do but it looks like the general consensus and what’s appreciated is the heads up before. I think I will mention something and I’ll update you all as to the result...
I guess if he ends up refusing than maybe it’ll be Hashem’s sign that it’s not the right place for me...
Any good tips of how to say? Just hint it out or say it as I as? I find it so awkward telling a guy abt my personal life but he does have a wife and kids so hopefully will be understanding


"I want to let you know that I'll be on maternity leave around -- time. In the past though, I took __ amount of time off and I hope to do ___ this time as well."
In other words, make your plans about time off clear as well, and if you can prove that it worked for you in the past, that is reassuring for the boss to hear.
If you will be available by phone or to fill in a bit from home, make that clear as well.
Of course this depends on the type of job you have. Don't show that you're willing to go nuts and be involved when you're on leave, but do show you won't disappear off the planet.
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challahchallah




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 11:31 am
amother [ Oak ] wrote:
Does it make a difference if you're really really early? Like I'm starting a job iyH, but I'm like 6 weeks along ... that doesn't count right? Sorry if it's a stupid question


At that point you definitely don’t have to disclose if you don’t want to, but it’s still your opportunity to negotiate if you want better maternity leave. A good friend of mine just had this where she got a job offer while 7 or 8 weeks pregnant and she managed to get them to increase their paid leave from 6 weeks to 4 months!!
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amother




Magenta
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 4:13 pm
So something similar happened to me, years ago. I had just landed my first real job after law school. Two weeks after I started, I found out I was pregnant. This was 5 years after I had my daughter so it was something of a shock. My firm had a 3 month probationary period so I was freaking out that if I said anything, my employers would find an unrelated reason to let me go before the end of the period. I kept it on DL and 3 months after I was hired, finally breathed myself into maternity clothes (as opposed to the loose fitting outfits I was rocking till then). It was lovely. At the end, no one cared that I was pregnant but still. The stress was there and I didn't know what to do. I am glad, however, that I kept silent as I've seen women treated abominably in the workforce (bh, not at this firm but at others.) If you are already 5 months preggo, I would probably not say anything but ask for a zoom interview or an in person meeting to discuss the position. Wear a fitted shirt. Let them make assumptions. I would never explicitly offer up that information to a potential employer but that's me. I feel it's not their business. We have laws that prevent an employer from asking about your reproductive status and I appreciate the protection that it provides. Just an aside, I didn't have a maternity leave. I worked up until I gave birth and then remotely, just days after, for 6 weeks until I could physically return to the office.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Mar 10 2021, 10:44 pm
Hi all, here’s an update on this whole story.
After getting all this great advice, in my email where I accepted the offer and we ironed out some details I added a short line “I would just like you to know that I will need to take maternity leave in July, obviously legally I don’t need to tell you this but I feel like it’s only right to start out on the right foot....”
All night long I was waiting with baited breath, praying that I didn’t make a major mistake and then reassuring myself that whatever the outcome it will be bashert.
The next day he responds to me, sure it won’t make a difference, thank you for the heads up, are you ready to start Monday and I will need you to come in for 2 hours this week as well.
So I make all my arrangements, find a babysitter for those 2 hours and then he pushes me off that he’d rather wait until after shabbos.
Ok, I figured he was too busy(it was the day before Purim) and continued searching frantically for a babysitter.
After a nice amount of work I bh found somebody great but she needed a commitment from me that I would send until the end of the summer. I committed to her and paid her in full for the month as she requested.
Come Monday I follow up with this boss and he keeps on ignoring my calls. I email him, left him messages and he responds that he’ll get back to me.
Finally on Wednesday he sends me an email, “for now this position is unavailable, I will let you know if anything changes”
I was really upset about him stringing me along like that, so I ended up sending him an email just to clarify how he messed me up and so he should hopefully learn for next time(not that he will if that’s his nature)
I was very upset because of his terrible communication, my committing to a babysitter on the other end of town and just all together the way I was treated.
So he replies to me that he’s really sorry and will reimburse me for the costs
Honestly that wasn’t the point of me email and I feel stupid to take money from him, I just wanted to express my frustration. Also it’s not like I’m not using the babysitter, I’m just annoyed that I had to commit to her and her location is really not ideal for me.
What would you do in my situation, I think I should just let it go even though he wants to offer money, no?
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amother




Vermilion
 

Post Wed, Mar 10 2021, 10:51 pm
Sorry to hear that OP. Very unprofessional of him. I don't think you'd be wrong either way, whether you accept his reimbursement or not.
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allthingsblue




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Mar 10 2021, 10:53 pm
Actually I would probably take the money!
And I would also try to back out of my commitment by finding a replacement if possible, just to make life easier.
I'm sorry that happened. Something similar happened to me too, where I told them I was pregnant and suddenly was let go. Hugs!
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Mar 10 2021, 10:58 pm
allthingsblue wrote:
Actually I would probably take the money!
And I would also try to back out of my commitment by finding a replacement if possible, just to make life easier.
I'm sorry that happened. Something similar happened to me too, where I told them I was pregnant and suddenly was let go. Hugs!

Yes but how do I figure out how much to ask for? And as I said I AM sending my son there so it’s not like money going to waste...that’s why I feel a little stupid
And yes I prob will look for a replacement if the shlep becomes to much for me, for now I’m happy there even though she is a 20min walk from my house
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challahchallah




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Mar 10 2021, 11:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yes but how do I figure out how much to ask for? And as I said I AM sending my son there so it’s not like money going to waste...that’s why I feel a little stupid
And yes I prob will look for a replacement if the shlep becomes to much for me, for now I’m happy there even though she is a 20min walk from my house


I’d ask him to reimburse you the amount you committed to pay the babysitter. It’s an expense you would not have incurred if he had not offered you the job, even though you’re still deriving some value from it.

Think of this alternate example: imagine you accepted a job interview for a job in Florida, and you bought the ticket with the understanding he’d reimburse you. If he canceled the interview, he should still pay for the ticket even if you decide to use it to go on vacation since it’s not something you would have done anyway.

You can also think of it as payment for agreeing not to report him for illegal discrimination. And I’m sorry, this is obviously not a good outcome. I hope that you can think of it as dodging a bullet (good that you didn’t end up working for someone who would treat you poorly based on pregnancy), and hopefully you find the right fit soon.
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allthingsblue




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Mar 10 2021, 11:05 pm
I misunderstood. If you are sending I wouldn't ask for reimbursement except for that first day when you were supposed to go in but didn't. (Or unless you can't afford to pay the sitter if you're not working, and since you thought you had the job you committed.)
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post Thu, Mar 11 2021, 12:16 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Hi all, here’s an update on this whole story.
After getting all this great advice, in my email where I accepted the offer and we ironed out some details I added a short line “I would just like you to know that I will need to take maternity leave in July, obviously legally I don’t need to tell you this but I feel like it’s only right to start out on the right foot....”
All night long I was waiting with baited breath, praying that I didn’t make a major mistake and then reassuring myself that whatever the outcome it will be bashert.
The next day he responds to me, sure it won’t make a difference, thank you for the heads up, are you ready to start Monday and I will need you to come in for 2 hours this week as well.
So I make all my arrangements, find a babysitter for those 2 hours and then he pushes me off that he’d rather wait until after shabbos.
Ok, I figured he was too busy(it was the day before Purim) and continued searching frantically for a babysitter.
After a nice amount of work I bh found somebody great but she needed a commitment from me that I would send until the end of the summer. I committed to her and paid her in full for the month as she requested.
Come Monday I follow up with this boss and he keeps on ignoring my calls. I email him, left him messages and he responds that he’ll get back to me.
Finally on Wednesday he sends me an email, “for now this position is unavailable, I will let you know if anything changes”
I was really upset about him stringing me along like that, so I ended up sending him an email just to clarify how he messed me up and so he should hopefully learn for next time(not that he will if that’s his nature)
I was very upset because of his terrible communication, my committing to a babysitter on the other end of town and just all together the way I was treated.
So he replies to me that he’s really sorry and will reimburse me for the costs
Honestly that wasn’t the point of me email and I feel stupid to take money from him, I just wanted to express my frustration. Also it’s not like I’m not using the babysitter, I’m just annoyed that I had to commit to her and her location is really not ideal for me.
What would you do in my situation, I think I should just let it go even though he wants to offer money, no?

You probably have due cause for a lawsuit
https://www.miklasemploymentla.....80%9D
https://www.shrm.org/resources......aspx
https://www.hrdive.com/news/jo.....6121/
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challahchallah




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Mar 11 2021, 1:29 am
amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:
You probably have due cause for a lawsuit
https://www.miklasemploymentla.....80%9D
https://www.shrm.org/resources......aspx
https://www.hrdive.com/news/jo.....6121/


I agree. You can also file a complaint with the EEOC if you don’t want the hassle of filing a lawsuit on your own. It depends what you want to do, if anything, but it’s well within your rights.
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amother




Beige
 

Post Thu, Mar 11 2021, 1:47 am
I was in exactly your predicament. I'm sorry I didn't get my response in before the rest of your story unfolded but I doubt it would have changed anything.
I told my boss at the end of our last interview, complete with offer and salary.
I was also 5 months pregnant.
He immediately lowered my salary by about 33% and told me that after 6 months if everything goes well he will give a raise of 50% of the deducted amount and 6 months later the other 50%.
I was floored. And so upset.
Anyway, I worked diligently, gave birth. Took 9 weeks off after my c even though I was legally entitled to 12 weeks. They pressured me relentlessly.
I had to fight tooth and nail for my raise. Not counting the time I was out it took my about a year to get the first raise. He kept pushing it off, claiming it was based on some new, random assignment he would give me.
Then I began pushing for the 2nd raise. I don't think I ever got it completely.
This was just a sample of the horrid behavior the boss exhibited and I ended up quitting after about 3 years.
Sorry this did not go well for you.
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ally




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Mar 11 2021, 7:25 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Hi all, here’s an update on this whole story.
After getting all this great advice, in my email where I accepted the offer and we ironed out some details I added a short line “I would just like you to know that I will need to take maternity leave in July, obviously legally I don’t need to tell you this but I feel like it’s only right to start out on the right foot....”
All night long I was waiting with baited breath, praying that I didn’t make a major mistake and then reassuring myself that whatever the outcome it will be bashert.
The next day he responds to me, sure it won’t make a difference, thank you for the heads up, are you ready to start Monday and I will need you to come in for 2 hours this week as well.
So I make all my arrangements, find a babysitter for those 2 hours and then he pushes me off that he’d rather wait until after shabbos.
Ok, I figured he was too busy(it was the day before Purim) and continued searching frantically for a babysitter.
After a nice amount of work I bh found somebody great but she needed a commitment from me that I would send until the end of the summer. I committed to her and paid her in full for the month as she requested.
Come Monday I follow up with this boss and he keeps on ignoring my calls. I email him, left him messages and he responds that he’ll get back to me.
Finally on Wednesday he sends me an email, “for now this position is unavailable, I will let you know if anything changes”
I was really upset about him stringing me along like that, so I ended up sending him an email just to clarify how he messed me up and so he should hopefully learn for next time(not that he will if that’s his nature)
I was very upset because of his terrible communication, my committing to a babysitter on the other end of town and just all together the way I was treated.
So he replies to me that he’s really sorry and will reimburse me for the costs
Honestly that wasn’t the point of me email and I feel stupid to take money from him, I just wanted to express my frustration. Also it’s not like I’m not using the babysitter, I’m just annoyed that I had to commit to her and her location is really not ideal for me.
What would you do in my situation, I think I should just let it go even though he wants to offer money, no?


You were right to wait to tell him after accepting the offer. Once he withdrew the offer after you notified him of your pregnancy you have very strong grounds for a discrimination suit. I would speak to a lawyer or the EEOC. Not just for yourself ( you will likely be eligible for more than babysitting money) but because we as women need to fight this behavior.
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STovah




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Mar 11 2021, 9:06 am
ally wrote:
You were right to wait to tell him after accepting the offer. Once he withdrew the offer after you notified him of your pregnancy you have very strong grounds for a discrimination suit. I would speak to a lawyer or the EEOC. Not just for yourself ( you will likely be eligible for more than babysitting money) but because we as women need to fight this behavior.


This 100%.
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