I'm so so overwhelmed

amother

Sun, Feb 21 2021, 9:35 pm

My sweetie , goody good child , turned into a very misbehavior child. He knocks down his younger brother constantly. Answers me back most of the day. I question him , and listen to him and explain to him that this behavior cannot go on any longer . He bothers me and my younger son. I wish I know what is bothering him as it looks like he going through a painful stage but I don't know what. I just know that when things are out of hand with this child and nothing stops him behave the way he does, then I can start to yell on a very high tone from losing it after so many times prompting him to stop doing things that's not acceptable, or disturbing. Like he keeps threatening his younger brother, keeps giving me comments like "Funny mom" or whatever I do he makes fun of ... but also he can be very needy , like I should come to his bed before he goes to sleep, he loves when I play games with him which I do . He wanted to bake today and I special made a dough for him to keep him busy. while he was busy playing with the dough, he was busy making fun and lowering his younger brother. Then he was being chutzpah to me . It was like an ongoing cycle.
It was in plan to take them out to shop today , so I said if he wants me to take him out shopping, I need an apology before. Though, I did find a sorry on my bed . When we came home the same thing repeated. Threatening brother and bothering me . I feel my wits end . I give him attention, I give him what he needs ... I can't figure out why he has the need to keep lowering my other son and only talking negative towards him (he is 6 years younger , younger brother) and older son is 11 so I'm thinking maybe because he is almost reaching his teen age year does it make sense that he is Changing? Can someone help me be clear why such behavior happens suddenly? He was my sweet , calm, good kid when he was young but since a certain age he is only becoming worse. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in this case. Whatever I say he says the opposite, not agreeing to anything that is said to him , always different than what I bring to the table. Can someone tell me of a way to deal with this and how I can change him continue this troubling behavior??? I know in cheider he is good. But at home he is giving a very hard time . He acts out in a way like something deep is going on . Maybe he is heartbroken about something, or something is bothering very much . I think he is going around with emotional pain . Not sure what. How can this be diagnosed? I'm at lost and really wanna take action and do something about it . I can't let this go on as it looks if I will just ignore it , it will only get worse and worse. I know that he gets traumatized from my screaming at him , but this happens only after I repeat myself a couple of times he should stop his behavior, and after a lot of talking nicely, and calmly to him and he still continues with his acting out I just yell very loud , and he hates It when I scream like that. That's after really feeling I have no other way how to deal with this.

ora_43

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 1:49 am

So the kid misbehaving is 11?

11 is old enough that I'd start by talking to the kid directly. Pick a quiet, relaxed time when you're both in a good mood. Going for a walk might help, sometimes it's easier for kids to open up when they don't have to look straight at you. And then tell him what you said here - you love him, you're worried about his behavior, is everything okay? And what does he suggest you do when he does things that you simply can't tolerate, like bullying his younger brother?

Also, check with his teachers, tutors, your dh if you're married, other relatives... Not, like, a full-on investigation, but just try to get a sense of whether other people are seeing changes in him too, or if there's something going on at school (bullying? academic trouble? fighting with friends?) that could explain some of his frustration at home.

And yeah, it's very normal for preteens to suddenly have a whole bunch of new behavioral issues. Like you describe, they're trapped between wanting independence and wanting their mommies.

There's a book on parenting teens called "Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall" - I've never read it, but I've always thought that's the perfect title.

imasinger

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 3:37 am

It's a good book, though maybe not as directly applicable here.

I like the idea of asking teachers if they've noticed anything.

It sometimes also works, particularly with boys, to approach sensitive topics indirectly. For example, rather than, "is anyone being mean to you or bothering you", maybe, "yesterday, in a store, I saw a group of boys, and they were all saying horrible things in a joking voice to each other, I couldn't tell if they were friends, or what. What do you think?"

Bedtime can be good for encouraging deeper talk. I sit with my teen DS in his dark room for a short time at nights, and that's when he's more willing to talk. See what works for you.

It's also important to teach him how to disagree with adults respectfully. I knew a fifth grade rebbe who encouraged kids to express themselves, but insisted they always preface a disagreement with a parent or teacher with "Is it possible that...". When DS is contradictory to you, you can help him rephrase in a way that works. This is an important life skill.

It's probably also important to teach YDS how to speak up for himself, and say, "that was mean.". Talk to him privately, and try not to fight his battles for him. Your own social history with siblings or peers can impact how easy or hard this is for you to do.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, it is vital to "catch them being good", particularly in an area of relative weakness. Look for and praise the times that ODS is kind to YDS, and talk about how lucky they are to have each other as brothers. Treat the hard times as an aberration, so that ODS knows that you still see him as a caring and responsible person.