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Am I being mean to do this?

Forum -> Working Women

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

OP

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 9:26 am

I always had a certain passion and hobby towards something I always wanted do as building a business or working for someone , I just never got to doing it . In the mean time my sister started doing exactly what I always had in mind. just for some reason, and my hectic life, I never got to it. Now I'm really getting serious in taking the course and going fully into it. The only thing that is holding me back is being intimidated from my sister . I'm not sharing with her that I'm about to start it, because I know 100 percent that she will discourage me from doing it . I feel that it's a kind of work that is demanding all over . She has her people, I have mine , she has her neighbors , and friends that use her while I have mine . I don't feel like it should take away too much of her since it's always a need and not always does it come out that she is available or I, I can work for someone else , while she works for a different person. I'm here to ask if anyone would hold back from doing something you'd love doing and dreamed of just because your sister already does it ? I can't put down in words what the actual work is for confidentiality. But it's not a kind of work that could take away her business or work. Its so much my passion, always dreamed doing it. Now I finally am able to . It's not my fault that my sister went in earlier in this . Its like I know 2 sisters that are big sheitel machers. Actually I know of a few. Is it such a bad thing to do the same field as your sister?? I really still wanna do the right thing and be fair . Wonder what others think . I am struggling financially, and I feel that I do have this in me, and I do see potential, and a future working with this. Thinking if I should just jump into it , or hesitate just because of my sister ??? What would you have done??

5

1

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 9:35 am

It sounds like you have a frenemy relationship with your sister if she is the type to discourage you.
You should be able to go into whatever line you want as long as you don't approach her client base.
It can really be a nice thing.
Sometimes sisters even send each others clients.

12

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 9:39 am

I would speak to my sister about it. Otherwise it appears to be sneaky and not ok, in my opinion.
Maybe she’d be willing to do a partnership with you and you both bring each other clients.
But I don’t think it’s nice to go behind her back. She would just think you are a sneaky copy cat and it would feel like competition to her if you did it that way.

18

sequoia

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 9:40 am

Copycat?

What is this, first grade?

6

amother

Bronze

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 9:45 am

Sometimes people follow whatever others around them are doing and it can be VERY annoying. If you don't copy her all the time in other areas of her life, it won't be too annoying.

If you have had this passion for a while, have you not shared this with her?

7

Elfrida

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 9:50 am

I'm a nurse, and my sister is a nurse. We took different paths into nursing, and she actually qualified first despite being some years younger. I started in a different field, and had a few considerations before going in to nursing, but the fact that my sister worked in the field wasn't a factor one way or the other.

It's not the same, because you seem to be talking a possiblility of being in direct comptition with each other, which was never an issue for us, but I didn't let her accomplishments hold me back.

6

amother

Amber

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 9:50 am

I think it depends on how near you live to your sister, the exact type of business, the size of the potential customer base, etc. if it’s a specific product that caters to a specific population, you may be impinging on her livelihood.

8

yo'ma

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 9:52 am

What about joining forces, if possible and if you would want to?

3

amother

Orchid

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 9:59 am

sounds like you are going to do it
and you are within your rights to do it

so I would shift from the focus of "mean" and be proactive and solution oriented

I would make a time to let my sister know this is my plan, my passion, lay it out, and let her know you do not plan to go into direct competition with her and hope she understands and supports you in going after your dream as you do for her

whatever her reaction you will know you have done your part

hugs and hatzlocha

5

Stars

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 10:05 am

Communication is key. If she discourages you it’s probably because it’s a hard business to be in, not because she doesn’t want you following your passion.

3

amother

Mauve

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 10:10 am

Do you live in a big community? If it's very large, there may be room for you to both do the same thing without cramping each other's style. I live in a smaller, but not tiny, community, and feel that there's definitely tension in the air between a few of our local providers of similar things. And those people aren't even related to each other.

I think it would be very strange for her to find out about your venture for the first time from social media or a random neighbor. I would try to avoid that. Give her a courtesy heads up at least before you go public.

7

amother

Lemon

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 10:41 am

It's great that you want to start working and pursue your passion with a healthy outlet! Do hishtadlus the right and proper way, and you will be blessed with true success.

3

amother

Plum

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 12:29 pm

I was in a similar situation. Most of our family members are great in the kitchen. We enjoy baking, cooking and “patchkening” around in the kitchen. I was toying with the idea for a while about opening up a home business selling homemade baked goods . (Was leaning towards mainly dairy goodies).
Meanwhile, one day my sister started her own home business of selling different types of mini babka buns (pareve and dairy).
I was and am still very happy with her success. However I did not feel it would be right to start doing something too similar to what’s she’s doing.
After months of deliberating, I started selling homemade dinners, meals, shabbos packages etc...
It’s still something I very much enjoy , and can bring in some parnassa, without stepping on my sisters toes. We have a great relationship and I’m happy that we can both do what we enjoy without hurting each other (even just a bit)

8

ora_43

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 1:15 pm

I like amother-plum's compromise.

Whatever it is, there's got to be some way to take it in a slightly different direction. If she does graphic design for small businesses, you could start by looking for an in-house position, or maybe by focusing on work for private individuals. If she does caters gluten-free events, you could offer a gluten-free daily meal delivery service, or dairy-free brunch catering. If she's a Yiddish-to-Swahili translator who mostly works with authors, you can be a Yiddish-to-Swahili translator who mostly works with academics.

Whatever the dream is, there's got to be something very similar that's not quite what she's doing, yeah?

Even if it's a job with very little room for variety - say, doing electrolysis - you can market to a different community.

And then when you talk to her - which you should, don't just surprise her with it - I'd play up that aspect. "I realize now that I never told you, but I've actually been dreaming about Yiddish-to-Swahili translation for a while. When you started doing it, I was inspired by you and realized that I should just go for it. I'm not going to do exactly what you're doing, though, I'll be focusing more on... "

I do think you should go for it no matter what her reaction is. Two reasons: because sacrificing your career for her would be too much to ask for (and probably, too much for the relationship to take). And because whatever the job is, there's room for more than one person to do it. I mean, don't open a second kosher cupcake bakery right next to your sister's kosher cupcake bakery. Especially not if you live in, say, North Dakota. But if it's almost anything else, there are plenty of people doing it already. You're just one more.

But do emphasize that you won't be competing with her. And then do your best to actually not compete with her.

4

ora_43

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 1:19 pm

In general I think it's very common for siblings to go into the same or similar fields. Passions can run in the family. I definitely see it in my family, my dad and sister and I all have very similar dual degrees (and it's not a remotely common combination).

(We have/had very different jobs, in the end, ftr. Zero competition.)

And then, some people just have so many siblings that it gets hard not to have some overlap. Wink

Wink

I mean, if the oldest kid is a teacher, is teaching ruled out for kids #2-#11?

1

zaq

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 1:22 pm

Check with a rav about hassagat gvul. If you're starting a business that will compete with an existing, similar business in the same area, there may or may not be an issue, depending on whether the market can bear two such businesses in the same area.

If your rav gives you the green light, go for it. But as a PP said, before you open your business, you must tell your sister that you're doing so. A few days ahead would be fine IMO, not now while you're just studying. You don't want to tell her far enough in advance for her to discourage you, but you don't want her to find out through someone else.

If you have your heart set on doing this, I don't see why you can't just tune your sister out. She has no authority over you.

3

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 1:32 pm

I dont see why you cant do your hobby and personalize it like for example if youre doing photogoraphy you can do newborn photography, lifestyle photography, product photography, food photography, couple photography, Event photography...
You dont have to do it exactly the same way ur sister is

1

amother

Magenta

Mon, Feb 22 2021, 2:33 pm

I would be very hurt if my sister didn’t tell me until the last minute!!

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